when i grow up

A while back, the incredibly amazing daisies tagged me for a meme. I was encouraged to think of 5 things that I dream of becoming. 5 things that my heart yearns for despite circumstance, money, location, or any planetary thing that could possibly post a hurdle in the midst of my longing. To quote what she did from the original tagger of this meme: “5 things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things that maybe you have forgotten about in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday, but that never really leave your soul. What you would do if anything at all at all was possible. Spend some time day dreaming…and then post them on your blog, passing the idea along to 5 others..because sometimes we need to pause and remember our dreams, hey? Maybe just saying it out loud will help you discover even little ways you can make them happen. You can write about that, too.”
Oh the wonder. So...I think that I have been subconsciously avoiding this meme, because, well...it is really difficult for me to narrow things down. 5 things? That is all I can write about? My thoughts have been floating to this little meme every so often for the past few weeks and when they do, I seem to just push them all away. I mean, it would require me making decisions and eliminating some of my other dreams in order to describe just 5. You are talking with a gal who refused to declare a major in college...until it was creeping up on my four year mark and there was a little bit more pressure to figure something out. Even then, I just kind of created my own major with a Bachelor of Arts in Liberal Studies. I got to pick an emphasis (women's studies) and a focus (cultural anthropology)...and both of those were based merely off of what I had the most credits of...what I most enjoyed learning about. It worked out wonderfully.
So, here I am tonight. Stretching myself in a way that isn't quite comfortable, but knowing that it is a desperately good thing for me to do. Dream. What could be better for someone who constantly feels the pull of "to do" and responsibility and the every day mundane that whispers in my ear to show up. I must show up. It takes effort to create. It takes effort to dream...because there is so much calling to me at every waking moment. I visited daisies page today, and once again, her words sang out to me like a familiar song...bringing forth wells of emotion and empathy that came together to form a deep, heavy sigh. I have big dreams... and I don't have time for it all...and I don't have the resources to bring it all to fruition...and I can't possibly be everything that I want to be or everything that dwells within me all at once. But in a genuine effort to bring about some positive "can do" energy in this day...I bring you my 5 things. Forgive me if I go on and on. It is Friday...my babies are sleeping, Josh is gone...and I am dreaming. That is a cocktail for rambling if I ever knew of one.
1. When I grow up, I want to be a musician. The kind of musician that grabs her guitar after a Friday night dinner with her family, puts on a scarf and heads out the door to her local coffee shop...where there are beautiful souls waiting to hear her word and sing along to her melody. The kind of musician that sings from her heart...often with tears and always with the truth of her soul shining through her lyrics. oh yes...I want to be a coffee shop singer. I think it would be a lovely thing to share myself in such a melodic and vulnerable way with strangers who turn out not to be strangers at all.
2. When I grow up I want to be a photojournalist. I want to weave stories through picture and prose. I have noticed lately how I am continuously viewing the world. I snap pictures in my mind when I pass something that needs to be forever in scripted on my heart. I see landscape in frame and mentally place objects as focal points that dance and shift about...forming the "perfect" picture that speaks of a moment so true and right. I think in lines of words that move meaning and magic together...sometimes not making sense to anyone but myself...but never the less...changing the way I think to what inspires rhythm and cadence to my thoughts. Words have always meant so much to me. How we speak, what we say, how we convey our truth and experience. It is a dream of mine to pair these habits to form companionship that is full of heart and meaning and longing and truth. One step further? I would use this dream as my political/environmental platform and my words would be my voice and I would wear my heart on my sleeve in the most deliberate way.
3. When I grow up I want to be a doula. I want to be that woman in a small town who all of the pregnant women call to be with them during their pregnancies and births. I am a sucker for a good birth story...ANY birth story, really. And, with the experience of both of my births, with how very different and extraordinary they both were...it only makes me want to be a part of any kind of experience where a human enters the world in his/her lifetime. Incredible. I have had the magical opportunity to witness two of my sisters giving birth to their beauties...and oh! the power of birth. It moves me and touches me in a way that calls to me...you MUST be a part of this. You must do what you can to empower women through this experience. Oh yes...a doula I must be.
4. When I grow up, I want to be an artist. The kind of artist that creates when she needs to create. The kind of artist that works from home...that dabbles in different mediums and methods and tools and materials. The kind of artist that has a small, quaint studio set up in her home...with an inspiration board to bring her sunlight and the perfect music playing on her stereo and enough room to dance and move and love and create and play. I want one day a week where all I do is make. Make whatever it is I am interested in making. I am brave enough to experiment with many different expressions. I make jewelry and paint pictures and sketch pictures and dream up stories and snap photos and sew clothing and get really good and messy. I know the truth that "our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move towards them, we move towards the divine." -The Artist's Way...and I am so NOT afraid to open myself up to greater creativity. I relish in it, I live in it, I grow through it. I am an artist.
5. When I grow up, I want to be a dancer. I dance on stage and my body moves without me having to tell it what to do. I make music through movement. I am the kind of dancer that joins groups like STOMP...where my mind and heart move my body to make something out of the everything that I see on a day to day basis. I move about and hear beats and song in the planes that pierce the sky and the feet that stomp the cement. I grab utensils at restaurants and create a pulse that seeps into my bones and instigates bending and slapping and tapping and clapping and stomping and kicking and joyfully moving. I am the kind of dancer that needs this electrical current that moves me into shapes and construction that I never knew existed. I love to dance...I am the kind of dancer who honors that love.
Shall I keep going? Should I release my desires to be a healer and an animal conservationist...you know, the kind of primal desire that makes you want to live with apes in refuge and make effort for species on the verge of extinction. Should I talk about my longing to own some kind of shop...one that sells fresh flowers or coffee so that I know way too many wacky things about flowers or coffee. Perhaps I should talk about my wish to dive deep in the sea and explore worlds completely unknown to me....to put myself out on the edge where I am unsure of what world is real and where I belong. I could probably keep searching in this abyss of desires...but it is one post...and one lifetime...and this is more than enough for now.
What I really want is more of this...more of this safety in exploring...more of this interaction with those that encourage this kind of dreaming...more of this taking itty bitty steps to bring about more magic in my life. Thanks for the tag beautiful you...I now spread the love to anyone who likes to dream...especially my mom and sisters, because I know you'd dig this kind of fun...and to those of you who feel moved to tell me your own beautiful 5 things in the comments below! Here's to dreaming...and the possibility that lies in "growing up". HAVE FUN!


Debbie said...

Amazing words Jess. You are a truly inspiring woman. I love how you view life; you love the life you have lived, cherish the moments you are currently living, and strive and yern for what the future holds. I learn new things about you each time I read your blog. I can see you doing all these things, and more in your future. I also hope for you that you never officially "grow up". Thanks for opening yourself up so much to us.

ceanandjen said...

You did a beautiful job with this. I too, was tagged long ago and I still have done written mine out...primarily because I can't seem to bring it all together...and are my "things" literal or are they emotional? Etc. :-)

Dreaming is such a healthy little vacation for our minds, hearts and souls. We deal with the day to day responsibilities of life and we sometimes manage to drown in that. Allowing little exercises like this to permeate our being suddenly opens the world up and makes us believe in the many possiblities out there. That is what I see in your post.

And that is lovely.

Happy Saturday to you.xoxoxoxo

Auntie Vee said...

Well, Jessie, There is one thing I know for sure about you....you are definitely not boring!! Keep on dreaming girl. A lot of it is not beyond fruition!

Jme said...

I just officially learned that we are so NOT different. :)WOW...flowers, coffee, quirky, dancing, creating, singing, loving, laughing...your words speak to my soul.

daisies said...

oh ... i am sooo happy you did this :) i love your dreams, your many big beautiful passionate dreams!! so many wonderful possibilities :) xox