holding my heart above my head

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My mind is turning, turning turning, always turning...wide open invitation for new concepts and ideas to be born into my life. There is a general eagerness to create more LIFE in my little realm of the world. I have been reading...flipping pages and scrolling down blogs...reading about an array of topics and filling up my mind with more information than it can realistically hold. I have been doodling words like "purpose" and "action" and "habit". It seems there is a constant inner pull towards evolving myself into more than what exists at the moment. There have been some all together AMAZING little pieces of connection tying up the individual fabrics of my life...sewing together a complete pictures, one stroke at a time. Some of them very personal and dear to my heart at the moment. Still, I drift in and out of contentment. Some days it feels like I have too much, other days it feels as if there is not enough in my heart. I speak in terms of experience, not material "things". Rather, the height and depth of my little occupation on this planet. I think about the truth that money and travel and fame would never change the human condition of always wanting something else. More of this or less of that. Somehow the connective experiences have left me aching for more and at the same time acutely at ease with what "is". I am not sure if that makes sense. It doesn't always make sense to me. The other day I lay on our bed with Josh and Asher and we were having a tickle torture session. The laughter that filled up the room did so as well in my whole being...but it was accompanied by this grief...a truth that drifting into each story of happiness is also one of sadness. This might sound morbid or depressing but it truly is what IS...and I have come to know that without one, we can not know the other. And so, somehow, I am beginning to understand it all in a way where the constant duality doesn't distract from the complete experience of one or the other. As long as I allow myself to laugh when I am tickled and to cry when I am hurt...I can make room for what each has to offer. Sometimes though, when I am in a moment of bliss with my children...I do notice that I feel piercingly ALIVE to a point where it aches...and then I hold myself back. Is that because of the fear in feeling loss? I'm not sure...but I do know that it moves me to want to appreciate what I do have and also to WORK towards what it is that speaks to my own growth. I want to understand the complete picture. With the light that surrounds that perspective, I have seen habits that I want to change and I have seen habits that I am doing well and wish to maintain and grow. I'm committing myself to new goals...all the while continuously bringing myself back to the present and to what is available to me if I just accept what is around me. It is a delicate balance, I am discovering...to be available to the moment while reaching for my own stars. The key component in that balance has something to do with bringing the idea of my dreams into the reality of my NOW...aka...taking steps. Some of these commitments have to do with my own discipline and how I use my time...ie, getting up earlier to go somewhere and write each morning...setting aside one night each week to practice learning guitar, etc... And, a LOT of it has to do with altering patterns of living. Namely, really shifting my ecological footprint to a lighter, more gentle step. I recently stumbled upon the story of No Impact Man (I seem to be perpetually late with these things)...and became immediately enticed by his effort and cause. He is an all or nothing kind of human, and I can totally relate to that. I really dig the experiment and it has stirred me to construct my own "minimal impact" goals of living. For one, I find that when I come to realizations of the sort that the human experience is always inhabited by an array of juxtaposing sensation and "feeling"...I have an urge to bridge the gab from duality into connection and "oneness". For this, it means bridging the gap existing between my values and my state of living until they are indeed ONE. On a whole different level...it means I am working towards the realization that we truly are all in this together, and I happen to be someone who is tired of not contributing in the ways I wish to contribute.
After reading this post from No Impact Man...I certainly walked away with enough conviction to start acting on the things that I know NEED to be acted upon in my life. There is always something calling me...moving me beyond what IS into the realm of what can be...all the while gently encouraging me to make friends with my reality.
I am schlepping my way through a list of commitments I am making towards myself for the next year. I tend to love to be hard core about things, and I am trying to also make my goals plausible...without losing any effectiveness. I will be sharing my intentions very soon!


saturday's sweetness

Pretty grub, don't you think? Our co-op pickup day just recently got switched to Saturday mornings and I can't really think of a better way to start a Saturday morning than receiving a bountiful basket of vegetables.
I receive these baskets with what might be considered abnormal excitement. I think part of it might be that they spur creative thinking. There are surely hundreds of things I could do with these to make them into meals. And each basket is a bit different, so when I set my eyes on what treasures await me...the brainstorming immediately begins!

And what is a Saturday without a trip to Michael's to pick up some new art tools and some terra cotta pots? Asher has been asking me for a garden the past several weeks, off and on, and I think he may be willing to settle for some herbs in pots for the time being. Although I have my own visions of the ultimate vegetable garden...with renting this home and the unknown of how long we will be living here...I'm thinking we should stick to more portable efforts. Lest we should grow very attached to our garden and then have to leave it.

A few other bits of sweetness that are lingering within me today?

~finding the most magical neighborhood of all neighborhoods and feeling a deep enchantment driving up and down the street. up and down...feeling deeply enchanted by it's whimsy and color. this thought beaming into my mind "if you must live in this place...you MUST live here".

~doing my first load of laundry in the "not so new" washer that we found off of craig's list. I never thought one (especially this "one") could be so thrilled with the opportunity to do laundry! yikes.

~digging a wee bit through the garage of good fortune...the ever so present spring cleaner within has most certainly been nagging me for months...and the pile to donate grows with each day.

the sweetness will surely continue on into the night with a possible trip to a fabric store, a Blue Moon in hand...and the movie "Lars and the Real Girl" spinning scene in my living room.

Hoping your weekend shares in the sweetness!

Oh yes...and I fell in serious like when I stumbled upon the worsted witch. Check out her blog...she bedazzles you with her array of delcious resources. I think I could stay there all day.



yada yada yada

It's been pretty dang warm here. I say warm but I really mean it is HOT. We wake up in the morning and get UNdressed for the day (well...I keep my clothes on)...but that is the kind of weather I am talking about. It's called "warm" around these parts though...for those of us who know what is in store. So...with that in mind, I have been walking around in a lazed out state of mind, because warm weather somehow churns laziness in my body. I want to sit outside and soak up every last minute of this tolerable sunshiny-ness. We've done a thorough job in that, I think. Taking walks around the block in our galoshes just so we can feel like we know the natural rhythm of what spring SHOULD feel like is one of our most recent favorite things to do. We enjoy blankets on the grass with books and fruit. We also like sitting on the outside table with our play dough and making nature prints in it until it starts to represent some kind of blob with growths much like the whales of the sea...only not as pretty. Speaking of which...if you are ever in the mood to make some play dough, kids or not, here is a really great recipe. I think I got this from Josh's mom...and I have been really happy with the results every time.
1 and 1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup salt
1 package of Kool-Aid
1 and 1/2 tablespoon oil
1 cup BOILING water
Stir and knead
It is fun because not only does the kool aid make fun colors without using food dye but it kind of smells good too!
But the most popular activities of all is stripping down and playing in the backyard with the hose. We fill up a lot of buckets and jars, we play in the wading pool, we spray the dog because he LOVES it, we spray each other because we don't love it, and most importantly...we make MUD. Oh yes. This is the "most favorite EVER" thing to do. Asher's most safe and sacred spot is under the tree where the mud is the best for building castles for the bugs. Lucky bugs.
The past few days have been really low key and beautiful with just me and my babes. We are incorporating more cadence in our days which is a fun and loose way of saying we are adding some routine! But...the fun kind of routines like jumping on the bed and doing wheelbarrow races. Stuff like that!
One particularly lovely view into the fact that Asher has probably stopped napping is that we have this really beautiful quiet hour where we read individual books and turn on some really slow, calming music while Journey takes her afternoon nap. I love it for many reasons. One being that I can sit in whispers with my boy who loves to be loud and watch as he studies large board books and encyclopedia all about animals. Another being that I can read my own books that consistently taunt and whistle at me all day long. I finished up with The Creative Family, I think the same evening that I got it...and now am similarly making my way through Bend the Rules Sewing, which has finally graced my hands. And then there are THE books...the ones that I go over and over with my highlighter until almost every word is jumping out at me. Books that speak straight into life and guide me back. I love those books. There are several of them and since it is warm outside, I am too lazy to list them right now.
There is also a lot of list making, journaling, minimizing, and watching movies going on this week. I finally watched Juno...and I loved it to pieces.
My mind, true to it's nature, of course is still filling itself up with thought. Thoughts of the future, of what is to come, thoughts of the past, of where did it go? Thoughts of where I am now and how I am walking.
We watched the movie "Lions for Lambs" this evening...and I thought it was pretty provoking. There was a monologue by Robert Redford's character in the middle of it where he talked about how we walk into adulthood and don't really realize we are there until several steps into it. He was speaking about what we can do with that and what our courage is to make change in the face of adversity and bull crud. I liked the message and the complexity of the challenge. For some reason it touched on things I was already pondering throughout the day.
And then, noticing that I was getting a little wrapped up in my longings and a little too uncomfortable with my shortcomings and a little too dissapointed in the reception to my efforts of making conversation about it all...I decided to think about when I was most alive today...meaning...when were my sense most aware, when did I feel a connection to what was all around me, almost to the point where there was no distinction of separation.
Well...of course, it was outside...with the hose, the mud and the beauty of laughter.
Of course.


on friendship

"And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay".
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
~Kahlil Gibran
I found a book of Kahlil Gibran's at my parents' house the other day, and as I flipped through his pages I became entranced by his depth. I asked to borrow the copy and since then have been reading and re-reading his work with a deep seated love in my heart.
I was reminded by my mom that today, in honor of national poetry month, is a day to keep a poem close to your heart and mind.
And this one has been particularly close to me the past week.
I have been thinking of closeness...of friendship...of how friendships form and how they thrive. I have been thinking of who I make friends with and across different spectrums of meeting, how I come to "know" them.
Sometimes, even with my dearest friends, with whom I can laugh, and sigh, and be somewhat inappropriatte with...I fall short of this example of friendship. And I notice that whenever I feel that limitations are put on me through a bond...it may likely come from the very limitations that I place on them myself.
I can plunge into that thought if I let myself...but instead, I will just say thank you. Thank you to my friends near and far. To my friends I have come to know in this space. To my family of friends that, through expansion and contraction, circle around and always offer support.
With hours to live...


here's to life

All day long, I have had words dancing in my mind about reaching out. Keep reaching, they say. Connect, they say. Open further, they say. It is enough to make me stretch my arms to the dreamy day sky and want to collapse into the state of the earth...always facing the wide open abyss of freedom. There has been such a pull to write, almost as if that very freedom needs to somehow be contained...like the force of gravity that constantly pulls us down into connection. I have been craving connection, and naturally, have received it in some extremely delightful ways. Even if it just means me putting more of my heart, my story, my pulse out "there"...into the world...into the hands of those who hear it and see it and know it to be real...it is happening.
In the spirit of being brave, I have began to let things go. I have taken notice of what brings me to life. I have decided to choose. I have been utterly inspired. I have sang out loud and made promises to myself. I have started to understand. I have been, moment by moment, moving my arms a bit further around myself...daily.
In the spirit of being brave, I am saying this now. I want to take more pictures. I want to get practice with my camera. I want to see as many emotions and expressions as I possibly can. I want to try my best to capture the entirety of the human condition. I think this would be a beautiful thing. Asher, when he is trying and falling short of whatever he is trying to do, will often force his hands down to his side while exclaiming "I've got to keep practicing!!!!". It is what has been driving my own efforts lately as well. I know I need to keep practicing on so many different levels...but this one, this one I am going to ask for help with.
Can I take pictures for you?
It is in the spirit of braveness that I ask that...because I know my skill level. I do. I know that I am not great at this photography stuff...but I also know that I want to be better. I know that. I also know that in the off chance I DO capture a moment so raw and real...something bubbles up inside of me and spreads across my soul like sunshine on my shoulders. I know that it feels good...and I like feeling good. I'm comprehending that when something feels a bit achy and tense...that maybe I am not ready...but maybe I am and I just don't know it. And it is true that perhaps I won't know which is which until I just try.
So, friends and family...if you are local to me and I am local to you and you are interested in me taking some pictures for you...will you let me know?
You can shoot me an e-mail or leave me a note here on this little posty.
I feel as though I am coming into bloom , opening by opening, and sensing that this tiny bit of reaching out might just allow for another petal to expose itself to the sky...breathing in the freedom of being alive. And, while I notice that the blooms on my birthday plant come to a close when night falls, and that when it does fall I will find life in the closing...right now it feels like wide open dreamy day. And so, I open further.



When i was a freshman in college, I remember being introduced to this thought of having a sense of place...a "place" where we feel most alive and well. I suppose it wasn't when I was introduced to the thought, but rather to the labeling of that experience because I had certainly understood that there were spaces and places where I felt most free and connected to spirit. There are places that encourage us to strip down to the essence of living, to shining, to sinking down into the comfort of our selves.
This is one of those spaces for me. Inside the blending and joining of voices is where I find warmth. Most specifically, the collaborative vibration of my mom and dad's voices...working together to create euphoric sound. It is inside the memory of my home being filled up with this sound and in knowing that "home" is where I experience that softness.
Last night we had a celebration dinner with my family...in part to acknowledge my birthday together...in part to be with each other while my sister who lives further away than the rest of us is here for a visit....but the wholeness of it came forward in the fulfillment of my birthday wish...that my parents' bring out the guitar that has brought me so much comfort through my growing up and that they fill up this home with their music.
I find sense of place in this. I find myself within the way each of our voices contribute to the wave of the music and how that creates a moment where we are all closely knit into the presence of being home.
Where is your sense of place or places? What makes you rise up into the height of each moment? Where do you feel most alive and free?
I am curious to see where we all come together in our different places of being.


brave hearts

I've been holding this challenge in my consciousness lately. Doing something brave every day. Jumping through those moments where parts of me may be pleading to back away, maneuver around or completely ignore what it is that is causing my heart to race a little bit faster...pump a bit more excitedly at the thought of being brave. I think of it all in the very ordinary sense of a brave act. The things that present themselves to us on a daily basis. Things like reaching out to someone who we don't understand and searching for common ground. Being brave may look big or small, loud or quiet. It may be going to that event without knowing anyone who may be there. It may be making that phone call to the people who have hurt you and opening yourself up further. It may be signing up for a community service project or inviting someone over for coffee and chat. It might look something like jumping off the swing set after pumping yourself as high as you can go. It might be saying a goal out loud for someone or NO ONE to hear. It most certainly is making it up in your mind...whether within a long self-debate or a hot moment of high decision...to take the risk and to tread a bit closer to that place that looks scary. Sometimes I can't even let myself go to those places. They seem a bit too spooky. They require me letting go. They ask me to grow up...to wake up...to live. We all have our places. We all have ways of avoiding those places. I have plenty of them and I certainly can construct my life around avoiding those places at all costs. But sometimes, I do take the plunge. I double dog dare myself to go somewhere that scares me and once I am there...I convince myself to keep on going. It might be walking, it might be jumping, it might be skipping or taking itty bitty baby steps...but if I can manage to gently encourage myself to get through it, I come out of that place a different person. I gain a little more clarity, I make friends with the darkness, I sit inside of that darkness and notice that it isn't all that bad. It isn't all that scary. There is a certain amount of inescapable living that coincides with getting through. Whether that be a greater sense of self-love, a wider taste of freedom, or a deeper breath of peace...all of it somehow feels more alive and juicy than doing what comes easy. To me, lately it seems like when something starts to make me feel uneasy and unsettled...I know that there is some kind of teacher inside all of it. Not to say that I am always willing to be available for the lesson...but I am beginning to understand this simple thought: When we choose to be brave and approach what it is that makes us scared in an open, curious way...we usually come out of the experience gaining something that we never knew we needed (or something just as delicious anyway)! Let us be brave.



"It occurs to me that you don't often get to witness growth and change. I respect the instincts of a molting lobster, hiding out while it is raw and vulnerable until it becomes tough and resilient once again."
~Joan Anderson, A Year by the Sea
she opens one eye at a time to limit the amount of sunlight rushing into her vision
it could be quite blinding and she has acclimated to the shadows
not wanting to see too much, for fear of overwhelm and piercing loss
she has been hibernating
building up walls that promise protection
in order for her to take a breath
but someone, somewhere, has always been trying to pull her out
with guilt and threat and misunderstanding
putting a timeline on healing, on shedding, on changing
she knows now that enough time has passed
and sometimes time is not what heals
sometimes it takes courage to wake up to the sun
even if it is only one tiny glance at a time
she moves out into each bright moment
touching on the thoughts that say
"wait...you aren't ready, it's too fast, it's too bright"
she wants to hunker down in the dark again
that is where stillness lingers long enough for her to taste mystery and divinity
she doesn't know if she can carry that with her into life in the open
she wonders if she really knows herself
and if she can carry on without having her walls, her protection, her shadows of safety
only in answering the invitation will she know the answers
and so she moves to where she knows she must go
and she does so with courage in her heart...on her sleeve...out in the wide open air
she breathes



Yesterday was my 27th Birthday. I've been walking along for 27 years now (well, I suppose maybe for 26 and 3/4 of it I was actually WALKING). I've been thinking a lot about that journey. I was thinking about it when I woke up yesterday morning...thinking of when I woke up to life and said yes to moving into this realm of existence by fervently trying to come butt first. It was "backwards", it was "wrong", it wasn't the easiest way for me to be born. And so, I was pulled out from my mama's womb from the incision they made in her skin...it must have been hard for both of us. My mom called yesterday, wanting to tell me how happy she is that I was born to her, to this family. And I thanked her for birthing me, for giving me life and I pondered that no matter how we are born...the most important thing is that we took the plunge and gave it a try...and that our journey here is what we needed it to be. I've been thinking about where I have walked and how I find myself in this place. This place with two little ones who have gifted me with a dodge convertible hot wheel that they picked out at the grocery store on their voyage to find me flowers and coffee and breakfast. This place where a card with a tree frog on the front giving it's readers the "high five" delights me just as much as it did my little boy...because we connect like that. I realize what makes him happy is what he deeply believes will make me happy...and he is so right on about that. He gets it. This place where taking a shower is a beautiful gift of time, where sleeping in until 8:30 sends my body into a confusing response of hungover illusion, a place where I make my way with big effort, deep contemplation and a mix of opening up and holding on. I went with my sister Cory to see Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) speak to an audience on Friday night. It was so cozy, so personable, so delightful to be in her company. She was brilliantly funny and held subtle wisdom in her expressions. She was connective and there were several strong moments of her words reaching into my soul, urging me along, convincing me of my power and love and for the NEED to open up to that creative force that keeps beckoning me and whispering in my ear. Sometimes it isn't so much a whisper but something a bit more forceful and loud...something I have been trying to shut out of my life for quite a while now. I am processing a few of her words that really hung around afterwards in my heart...the ones that made me look around and say "here i am...this is me...this really is lovely and real and and and...i just as well better surrender". I love that energy. I love that accepting kind of force less process where I come into understanding and where my life begins to feel like my own again. I don't know how it got to a point where it HASN'T felt like it was my own...but that isn't the important part. The important part is knowing what I know and not knowing what I don't know. That is important. It's all a process. My life, this 27 year old life, has been a process and will continue to be one until the last breath...and I find so much comfort in realizing that there is no real destination...only further growing and loving and living and letting go. There is a whole lot of beautiful space in that. So much.
Yesterday, I spent some time in thought about where I've been and where I am going...but most of my time has just been spent looking around at what is and observing all the life around me. I've been spending time in genuine gratitude for the reminders that I am loved...for the phone calls and e-mails and actions that say "we know you, we hear you, we see you". I've spent time watching...really watching. And can I tell you a story about what I have seen? I have seen my son chasing after another young boy at the park, calling him "brother" and feeling so happy that he has a new friend. And the really amazing part of it all has to do with a few things...one being that the two children simply sat next to one another on the swing set and that this was enough to make them the best of friends for the moment. Another is that these two children each spoke a different language...one was dreaming fantasy in English and the other in Spanish...but neither was intimidated by the thought of not being able to understand one another. The only language really present was the universal language of kindness...of reaching out and sharing smiles and forming connection...of acknowledging that we are all each other's "brothers" and sisters...and that we need not be afraid. I'm living today and yesterday in much happiness, really. I am delighting in sunshine and the shading of trees, in nine grain bread filled with almond tuna and sprouts, in having a camera in my hand, in taking a lone trek to the nearest savers to find some thrifted baskets for our home, in a "date" with my husband to watch this beautiful movie...in how that movie reached in and grabbed a hold of my heart and left me crying well after it ended. I am delighting in naps and home cooked meals and the beginning of my journey reading this book that my mom let me borrow. I am entranced by her story...one eerily familiar to my soul. It is a story that provokes grief, stillness, acceptance, knowing and reaching in my being and I am moving through the first three chapters with tears in my eyes because I too closely understand. Today I feel very tender. I can really feel myself softening and I am painfully aware of the challenge to live with hardness...with practicality being held to the highest standard...I am being shown that it is necessary to create my own standards of living. I seem to be reaching a place where I have more support within myself, a place where I can find the right words and where I don't believe that who I am and what I feel is dismissed. I am discovering the place where I keep my power...and I am slowly, cautiously inhabiting that area...one moment at a time. I am a bit teary and yet I am more comfortable with my story than I have been in quite some time...realizing that all of it, every bit, is necessary. Lists of what I want this year to be about just don't hold the importance to me that they did just yesterday. A certain composition of words has been floating through my head the past few days and it just can't come out and yet I know that it will, because I am coming back to my whole self...and writing it is part of what is helping me say goodbye to this need to hold on...writing it is part of what is helping me to say hello to this new place of living. Lists of who I am and what I am about just don't touch on my journey...the moments that have filled it up with life or the moments that will be lived. I can't capture the sound of my children's voices trying to form "happy birthday mama" in words. The intensity of that just doesn't fit into that small of space. So today, for now, this will be enough... happy birthday jessamyn...welcome back.


love thursday

a rose from my mama's garden
this love thursday is spent in LOVE with my family...for the softness they have reminded me of when the world feels particularly hard and for the ways my children help me fall in love over and over again with the natural world. i'm particularly fond of their permanent nakedness on these warm spring days.
happy, lovely love thursday to you.
edited to add:
read these love words from my beautiful soul friend...you'll feel inspired, i promise!

can you hear that?

the sounds of living
moving forward, holding stillness, crashing down and then receding
continuous cycle of life
I started writing something yesterday because there was wonderful momentum taking place in my existence. Things were rolling and I felt this explosive energy of MOTION and ACTION and wonderful confidence in taking steps. It was powerful and I wanted to capture what it was that I was experiencing. I had a particularly fantastic conversation with one of my sisters on the phone about parenting. The repercussions of our exchange left me comfortable with my journey and with where I am at because it not only was applied to my evolution in parenting, but rather my evolution in life. We were discussing the nature of living, and how the only way we can live is to learn along the way. We may have these ideas of how we would like things to be, but the only way we are really ever going to get there is to be alive with this moment and start now...to say yes to where it is I am wanting to go. I thought about how much I have come into my own understanding of how I want to live this life I have and how so many times I have a fairly good understanding of my path and then somehow I get lost. I have continuously been found in this position of blazing trails. Unfortunately, I start blazing and then somewhere along the way my fire dwindles and it becomes more of a glimmer than a blaze. I let other people's words or my interpretation of those words to stop me in my tracks and I begin to second guess my travel plans. I begin to wonder if I should just take an easier path...one a little more well known, one that carries the weary traveler along in the current of the majority. But I am always, and I mean always, brought back to the truth that this indeed is my path no matter how tiresome it can be.
Ultimately, I get energy from learning different ways of doing things. I seem to gravitate towards what will grow my soul. Sometimes I resist, sometimes I hold it all in and don't properly bring it into my life. And then, in perfect accord, I see some one's writing and this whole new language opens up to me like my native tongue. All of that sparks life in me, then I look around and don't see the manifestation of that life and I get bombarded with the "I wish"es and the "if only"s. That doesn't serve me well in moving anywhere. But if I hold a bit of stillness with that...I can understand what it is that I am experiencing. I gain motivation and energy to be a bit more bold because I see that life really happens when we act on those creative urges. Living takes place when we are true to our path and when we aren't afraid to mess up, change our minds, own up to our faults and mistakes, love deeper, laugh harder, let go and take the plunges we are being led to take. We return to life when we don't give a hoot about looking ridiculous or not being understood.
I'm a bit tired of holding most of my "life" inside and half heartedly blazing my trail. It is usually fear of someone or some group of people not accepting me or rather because I haven't had the confidence to really back up my convictions if perhaps they are challenged. I don't have it figured out. I may not have the perfect words to explain why I am taking the steps that I am but all I know is that it is imperative to my existence to step. They are all in one way or another bringing me closer to what feels like home.
Yesterday I came into this realization that HEY, I'm a big girl...it's time to hold myself accountable to this life to do the things MYSELF that I may be looking for others to do for me. There was new energy...some "all is well" energy, some "truth cannot be messed up" energy. It was something that took me from stagnation into movement. It was clear, rushing, roaring movement...like the build up of a wave with the water churning underneath and creating a catharsis of beauty. And later last night, I crashed.
I ended up having an entirely different conversation that took on the life of the ocean in it's entirety. There was movement, buildup of emotion, a breaking point and a momentous crash that forced recession to follow. I was moved back. I was holding onto whatever I thought would keep me afloat...anger, fear, escape...and then a bit of stillness set in and I decided to move forward again...try, try again. I was asked WHY did I think it was ok to just decide NOW to be positive and encouraging. And my response was..."what better time is there?".
Today...the writing I had brewing about momentum doesn't seem to fit...but this is life, yes? Frustration arises when I don't allow for the natural evolution of moving and building and breaking and crashing and then receding again. It arises when I don't realize that each moment I am alive and present, I am being taken to a new place of experience. Nothing is permanent...everything is just what it is and at the same time it is leading to something else.
What I sit with this morning is not a disappointment in the recession...but a confidence in knowing that letting myself get tossed in the wave is a part of the journey. It may seem a bit dangerous but it is where I am finding life...as long as I don't try to cling to anything that looks like it might keep me floating.


look up and laugh with your mouth wide open

dearest jessamyn,
lighten up.
things aren't as big as they seem and somehow it all gets worked out.
pinch poke,
the universe
(can I tell you how friggin excited I am to have this book in my hands this morning. So very, very excited. You can read bits of her lovliness over here !!!)