moving forward, holding stillness, crashing down and then receding
continuous cycle of life
I started writing something yesterday because there was wonderful momentum taking place in my existence. Things were rolling and I felt this explosive energy of MOTION and ACTION and wonderful confidence in taking steps. It was powerful and I wanted to capture what it was that I was experiencing. I had a particularly fantastic conversation with one of my sisters on the phone about parenting. The repercussions of our exchange left me comfortable with my journey and with where I am at because it not only was applied to my evolution in parenting, but rather my evolution in life. We were discussing the nature of living, and how the only way we can live is to learn along the way. We may have these ideas of how we would like things to be, but the only way we are really ever going to get there is to be alive with this moment and start now...to say yes to where it is I am wanting to go. I thought about how much I have come into my own understanding of how I want to live this life I have and how so many times I have a fairly good understanding of my path and then somehow I get lost. I have continuously been found in this position of blazing trails. Unfortunately, I start blazing and then somewhere along the way my fire dwindles and it becomes more of a glimmer than a blaze. I let other people's words or my interpretation of those words to stop me in my tracks and I begin to second guess my travel plans. I begin to wonder if I should just take an easier path...one a little more well known, one that carries the weary traveler along in the current of the majority. But I am always, and I mean always, brought back to the truth that this indeed is my path no matter how tiresome it can be.
Ultimately, I get energy from learning different ways of doing things. I seem to gravitate towards what will grow my soul. Sometimes I resist, sometimes I hold it all in and don't properly bring it into my life. And then, in perfect accord, I see some one's writing and this whole new language opens up to me like my native tongue. All of that sparks life in me, then I look around and don't see the manifestation of that life and I get bombarded with the "I wish"es and the "if only"s. That doesn't serve me well in moving anywhere. But if I hold a bit of stillness with that...I can understand what it is that I am experiencing. I gain motivation and energy to be a bit more bold because I see that life really happens when we act on those creative urges. Living takes place when we are true to our path and when we aren't afraid to mess up, change our minds, own up to our faults and mistakes, love deeper, laugh harder, let go and take the plunges we are being led to take. We return to life when we don't give a hoot about looking ridiculous or not being understood.
I'm a bit tired of holding most of my "life" inside and half heartedly blazing my trail. It is usually fear of someone or some group of people not accepting me or rather because I haven't had the confidence to really back up my convictions if perhaps they are challenged. I don't have it figured out. I may not have the perfect words to explain why I am taking the steps that I am but all I know is that it is imperative to my existence to step. They are all in one way or another bringing me closer to what feels like home.
Yesterday I came into this realization that HEY, I'm a big girl...it's time to hold myself accountable to this life to do the things MYSELF that I may be looking for others to do for me. There was new energy...some "all is well" energy, some "truth cannot be messed up" energy. It was something that took me from stagnation into movement. It was clear, rushing, roaring movement...like the build up of a wave with the water churning underneath and creating a catharsis of beauty. And later last night, I crashed.
I ended up having an entirely different conversation that took on the life of the ocean in it's entirety. There was movement, buildup of emotion, a breaking point and a momentous crash that forced recession to follow. I was moved back. I was holding onto whatever I thought would keep me afloat...anger, fear, escape...and then a bit of stillness set in and I decided to move forward again...try, try again. I was asked WHY did I think it was ok to just decide NOW to be positive and encouraging. And my response was..."what better time is there?".
Today...the writing I had brewing about momentum doesn't seem to fit...but this is life, yes? Frustration arises when I don't allow for the natural evolution of moving and building and breaking and crashing and then receding again. It arises when I don't realize that each moment I am alive and present, I am being taken to a new place of experience. Nothing is permanent...everything is just what it is and at the same time it is leading to something else.
What I sit with this morning is not a disappointment in the recession...but a confidence in knowing that letting myself get tossed in the wave is a part of the journey. It may seem a bit dangerous but it is where I am finding life...as long as I don't try to cling to anything that looks like it might keep me floating.