awakening.

It has been a while, yes? I have been rather busy lately. With life. With photo sessions and editing. With kids and homeschooling. I haven't felt very present. It feels much more like I am on a bit of a swift ride, just barely managing to remember all the bits and pieces of what it takes to journey from here to there. I am stopping in these spaces that are full of questions. With photography, it goes something like this. "Is this for real?" "Do you think you are good enough to be getting paid for this, really?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your pictures and sessions?" With my children and homeschooling, it goes something like this. "Are you SURE you are cut out for this?" "Do you really think that you are smart, patient, kind enough to be their mother?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your children and teaching them?" In life coaching, we call those nagging, negative, self defeating questions, those voices... "the gremlins". These voices don't do much in serving growth. Unless of course you account for the courage and mindful discipline it takes to keep on doing what you believe in even when the gremlins are loud and obnoxious. I think it is just all a part of that endless journey of fully occupying my own. It is all a part of finding, hearing and using my own voice. Trusting, truly trusting that inner guidance and permission to be exactly who I am. Sometimes, that inner knowing might lead us on paths that look a bit different to others. We might not get that external validation that we, as human kind, often seek and yearn for. And better yet, we might never get to THAT place that we have in our minds of where we "ought" to be. For a while now, I feel as if I have been waking up to the realizations that these are untruths. These questions that infer that there is one right way to do things or one perfect example of what to BE. That the end result is perfection and completion. I am beginning to understand deeply about what it means to really JOURNEY through life and to be comfortable with the imperfections...to, in fact, embrace them. The imperfections become less of something to "overcome" and more of something to travel through. They are our teachers on a path of full existence. I guess what I am better understanding is that the gentleness is key. Honoring my inner wisdom is my compass. Taking all the small steps is how I will move. All of it this coming to mind and is compounded when I think of transforming my hair into dreads. I've decided to get them done professionally and my appointment is set! I think I am in preparation mode for the change. It is funny because, like I was telling a dear friend of mine, on one hand this change is so very fun and light. True to myself, I am a girl who loves change. I like to try new things. I am fairly comfortable with being outside the box. I crave experiences that are a bit different than what I am used to. I am drawn to creativity and expression. So, in many ways, this is just another way in which I can explore. I think it is fun and creative. It is something I have never experienced. It is also just one of those "things" that is on my life list. We all want to cross stuff of the life list, right? On the other hand, it is symbolic. I think it is a bit of an expression of a deeper transformation and unleashing, perhaps a small part of a greater journey in unveiling my own voice. Regardless of what hand I look at though, some people in my life do not understand this desire of mine. They might have some difficulty in accepting it. They might judge it, dislike it, even go to the extent of being hurtful about it. And that is ok. It is just hair. It isn't a permanent state of existence. It is an expedition, just like any other adventure. Like any journey, there will most likely be some bumps along the way and, in all honesty, I don't know what to expect! So with this, as with many things in my life lately, I take an attitude of genuine curiosity and say... "we'll just see how it goes!". I did see this collage on a blog several months back and now I can't remember where I got it from. At the time, I saved it to my computer and I have been looking over it the past couple of weeks. I think she gathered different images from the web and put some of her favorites together. I am loving the dreads of the girl with the Nikon in the upper right. Yum! ;)

I also have been reading this small excerpt from a poem featured in a book I am reading. "oh woman remember who you are woman woman it is the whole earth" ~Joy Harjo

on meeting inspiration*

I have been meeting some old wounds in the past week. I have been listening to their truth and seeing their pain. I have also been met with some soft, magical comfort. I am held. I am loved. I am heard. This is inspiration to me right now. This truth that, no matter what I may be coming up against, there is space held for me to process through it.

For the past several weeks inspiration has taken the form of various little gifts. A date with a treasured girlfriend to go see Julie and Julia. A surprise gift (consisting of last month's Artful Blogging magazine along with some fresh baked, homemade bread) on my doorstep from said friend after watching the film. A sweet bloggy date with the beautiful and talented Georgia with whom I have already dreamed up many a dates to create and play.

sweet Georgia on our lunch date

The gentleness of nature when you meet her for a visit. The sweet sound of someone telling you that they feel a soul connection with you...and you feeling the exact same way. An invitation from someone you deeply care for and admire, extending warmth and dreams...soul and truth. The motivation to keep on creating what you want, even when things aren't "just right". Writing anyway. And the realization that "failure is part of the process" (an excerpt from the book "Be the Hero"). Inspiration is necessary. It is quiet whispers of confirmation. You are on the path, you are seeking, living, searching for kindness. You are coming into the truth of knowing it for yourself in a way so deep and powerful, your life will only grow from here.

coming together.

in so many incredible ways, it feels like we are reaching a very tasty place in this home. my children are really growing and stretching their worlds. asher is venturing into this new developmental stage of being so hungry for knowledge and experience. he is constantly asking me to read his dinosaur books to him over and over again, telling me with each turn of the page how he wants to go back in time and get every single one of the dinosaurs on the page. he aches to KNOW, to experience, to be fully submerged in his passion. it is quite contagious to see that fire and i want to do everything i can to help fan the flames. with this child, it could turn into an all out BLAZE, i do believe. they are also entering a very tender point in their relationship that i have not yet witnessed. there seem to be more moments of peace in their interaction, where they are reaching to one another for understanding and support. they are discovering that they have a true friend in the other. the quarrelling hasn't stopped, of course. the competitive spirits they exhibit at times still leave me flustered and confused...but there are these moments. the very true and soft moments of it all coming together. i try to rest in each one as it appears, but they are usually too quickly gone. even in their passing, there is peace left in the quake of togetherness. and i think that is summing up the shifts happening within myself. i feel as though i am taking the necessary steps of bringing it all together~ my perspective is being shaped by the deliberate actions of aligning my world with the things that are important, right now. i am learning to embrace the fact that in order to be who i know i am~ i must create the time in which to allow her to live. this means that i flexibly sew threads of my essence into the tapestry of my days through a pattern. for us, it means some type of schedule. and, as much as my free spirit coils from that word...i know that in doing so~ it will inevitably free me from those feelings of utter emptiness because of the hunger i feel for feeding such varied parts of my heart. i have spent quite a bit of time learning about what makes me feel FULL, of what encourages my higher self into active participation, and it is time to incorporate those very things i have explored into a natural rhythm within my life. i haven't always trusted that things unfold exactly as they should. i have spent several long periods of my life wishing that there was some other way or some other place. my power is lost in that because i am the ONLY one in my life who can create my own happiness, away and apart from the circumstances. so, waking up to a slow feeling of trust that it is never the end of the story~although it implies work~it is a high flying sense of togetherness. It all comes together, even if just for a few moments. It is in those moments that i am choosing to believe.

lazy summer days...

they drive me crazy!

living in this desert feels a bit unnatural at times. the months upon months when the temps reach well into the 100's send us all into the coolness of our air conditioned living rooms. or indoor play centers. or in water...ANYWHERE there is water. and so it has been for us. we get a bit stir crazy this time of year. cabin fever, if you will. it always feels to be the very reversal of what most peeps are experiencing this time of year. and come december...i will be so very thrilled about the fact that i live in this valley. but for now. i am struggling a wee bit. i am one who feels most comfortable when my children are in an environment of wide open space. where they can run and gallop and roar with plenty of room to roam. there is a tad bit of anxiety anytime i am taking them some where with the intention to "play"...where they are expected to stay within close proximity of at least a dozen other children. it just isn't a prescription for ease. but. we are managing just fine. and the beauty of having children is that they surprise you around every corner. so, we have actually had some very pleasant and enjoyable experiences within the confinement of indoor play centers! waddya know!?!? the bliss of our existence this summer has centered around water, as it does every summer here. both of my chilis are showing so much independence in the water. they float and they submerge and they kick and they hold breath and they are so very happy within this element. it is one way to stretch our bodies and move about to delight and please the sense of activity when it feels so very impossible to run around through fields of fresh air. for whatever reasons, the 115 degree air of a city just doesn't summon the word "fresh".

and so, instead. we flounder around in the water. pretending to be plesiosaurs. and the like. and we attempt to cool off our melting bodies in the refreshment of water.

life. joy. water.

dreadies and love.

if you know me, or have been visiting this little space for a while now...perhaps you remember reading this post from over a year ago. in it i made the declaration that i was FINALLY going to start dreads after years of pining over and coveting them from others. well... as you can see, i don't have dreads in my hair. after or during the time when that post was created, i did a lot of researching and looking and thinking. i had loads of conversations with people. some very, beautiful, inspiring on-line women with dreads (like this one...and this one) shared e-mails of encouragement, some bits of advice on getting started, and support with me as I reached out to them concerning this new beginning. i joined this amazing and lovely flickr group. and would begin dread centered conversations with anyone that i came across in the real world who had dreads that i thought were beautiful and funky. i held it in my mind that i would begin just as soon as i felt my hair was long enough not to shrink up too much when the actual "locking" began. so...my hair grew longer, life began to take my mind away from my hair... and the dreads have yet to be put in. but it is near time. and it will be done. because it is one of those things on my life list. one of those things that i want to at least try, so that i am not old and longing and full of "oh i should have's!". the time is near! it has been a loooooooong time coming. it has been a desire of mine for years to have them and i have been admiring them since my early teen years. that crush hasn't gone away by now, so it speaks to me of destiny. hee hee! the wonderful thing about timing and the unfolding of the whens and hows of the way things work is that while i visited boho in early may...we both randomly and passionately recited our love for dreads to one another in unison after seeing a beautiful dread head walk past us. and we whispered our shared dream of wearing our own some day. shortly after that, we exchanged encouragement towards the making of that dream coming true. and so, as perfectly as the universe offers... i got to buy the dread kit that she no longer needed after making the decision to get her locks done professionally! how utterly serendipitous is that? i love. i see it as some fun bits of beauty added to my journey as i begin to walk into the land of dreadlocks. i still have not decided on the exact "when" but i trust that it will be within the month or two. and i envision it to be a combined effort of the loved women in my life gathering around me and locking my hair as we celebrate the beauty of transformation and the following of ones own bliss. there is so much more that goes into this. it is only the beginning, but i thought i would re-introduce my intention in this space...as it serves to be one chosen method of manifesting my hopes and dreams. i will come here to chart the journey in the only way i best know how...with courage and honesty and with my heart leading the way.

she's crafty!

I have been meaning to share about the first sewing date I held for the Little Dresses for Africa project that I wrote about here. Last month I had several women over for a few hours of starting on our pillow case dresses. We cut, chatted, pinned, sewed, ironed, cut some more and finished the two hours with a lot done, but a lot more to go!

Since then, I have had a portable table set up in our reading room. It is the resting place for all materials involved in the making of these sweet little dresses. And it taunts me every day!

So, I plan to host another date. This time in the evening, without as many children among the bunch. Perhaps with some dessert and maybe some wine? Oh, and wider bias tape. Yes, I'll have that too!

If you are interested in joining in, let me know! It will be a yummy evening of sweets and drinks and the creative collaboration of fabulous women practicing a bit of craftivism. Just the kind of thing that makes this world a better place to be in.

pixie*

just wanted to pop in this space for a visit. the words haven't been coming to me lately. not that there isn't a lot going on, because life has been full of lessons and processes and learning. some of which has been utterly challenging and has left me with some exhaustion. there has been some sickness and some healing. some bending and breaking. and among it all change. change of all forms. journey, for example...decided that she wanted her hair short, like daddy's. i was not one to object, since getting her to allow me near her tresses with a brush is no easy task. so, off we went!

it was our first time in a real "salon" and she handled it like a veteran client. she was so serious through the whole process. brother didn't want to even get near a barber shop...so his locks are still long and lovely. and this little pixie cut suits journey so well. she rocks it.

i love this little fairy.

exactly.

exactly from mccabe russell on Vimeo.

a little something beautiful that i am taking time to watch each morning, before i start my day~ from the magical dancing mermaid music by amy steinburg Enjoy!

tenderness*

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "Awww!”

~Jack Kerouac

as the moon begins to wane, i am left with a wake of processing. it seems that a lot has begun to fill my heart, and honestly, sifting through it seems like no small task at the moment. so, instead, i breathe in and out, and sit with it all. there is no great effort in uncovering what life is speaking to me at the moment. i am just living it, and trusting the unfolding of all things. some of what sits inside is the cut of sadness over the loss of an american pop icon whose music i grew up dancing to as the lyrics spun round and round. it touches on this nostalgic place of realizing that he was my first iconic crush and that his music made this little 4 year old girl spin around in her living room...doing nothing else but living that moment. i remember how i grew, and he changed, but the memory of how i felt about him when i was so small is what kept me believing in him as a person...it is what kept me dancing to his songs. because somehow, in some distant way, his talent snuck into my life and sung to me of magic in human form. something otherworldly, something brilliant. something that didn't quite fit in this world in so many ways. and now, in his passing. i think of things like compassion and movement and being the change. i think of how we each have our own journeys, and that really what we need to focus on while we are walking (or dancing) is how we can offer compassion on the road. we each wrestle with our own restlessness. we each strive for our own star. we each sometimes wish, that our path might look a little different. when we come across weary travelers, when we become one ourselves... may we remember that we know nothing of what the terrain was like before this crossing. we know little of what type of storms have been endured. and we most likely can't see the inner landscape that is being traveled at the same time. we only see what is shown. but with compassion... with a little bit of tenderness, everything changes. we might get a peek into the truth that we are all human. and we are all walking (or dancing), and we are all doing the best with what we have. and... with that, i believe... the world can heal, because WE heal. i've been taking that sadness and looking into it for what the message is. does it have to do with encouragement to keep up with the compassion? is it telling me to dig deeper into my purpose? is it reminding me of how fragile we all are...and how quickly this life can pass? is it reminding me to live my life with everything i have? i'm not entirely sure. but i do know that i am being spoken to about starting where i am, again...even if it is the 1ooth reminder. and loving who i am, exactly WHERE i am. and reaching out to the world around me, in great compassion and love.

overdue.

our library books are overdue. as is that one movie from the movie store that i keep forgetting to take back. it seems i'm conducting a sort of theme for life these days. i feel a bit overdue in many regards. e-mails, phone calls, shower taking, and the general bits and pieces of life that seem to be hanging up to dry for a while. mostly, it can be chalked up to celebration. we have been doing lots of that these days. june usually knocks the wind out of me with celebration. and this month, it just keeps on comin'! all that to say. i am quite overdue (nearly two weeks, to be exact) in honoring my boy's 5th birthday in this space. 5 years old? really? why, yes! and he wears it proud.

we had a couple of events in celebration of such a beautiful achievement. one on his actual birthday with his home school group, spending time doing something he loves more than most things...swimming! it was a really fun party and he was showered with love and celebration...just as a 5 year old should be. up next was a weekend camping trip to the woods for a family celebration... to romp, explore, observe and get good and dirty with mama earth. this is where asher feels most comfortable, i am convinced. right smack dab in the middle of nature...literally soaking her up in every pore of his body. several family members were able to join us and escape the heat of the valley for a day or two...and it was such a treat for this little boy to be surrounded by that endless circle of support. he is loved. truly and deeply.

opportunities are endless when it comes to what you can do with trees as far as you can see, a river of water running right alongside your camp site, bugs and birds all around, and a spirit as big as asher's. he amazed me the moment he was placed on my chest after birthing him. he brought out this primal courage in me that i had never yet experienced or embraced. and there he was, this tiny little human, staring up at me with a soul much bigger than the room we were in. and it has been that way ever since. there isn't a single person who has changed me the way that this person has. there isn't a day that goes by where i am not reminded of how beautiful and brilliant he really is. there is not a moment in time where i don't understand how very blessed i am to be touched by his life. five years old... and already he is changing the world.

and this mama got a few sweet escapes where she could rest in the breast of the earth with that very knowledge...and give thanks for the life around and within.

for a few more eye goodies of our trip~ check here!