I'm sitting with a lot of awareness after going to the Mother's Plunge. I think it is because I practiced paying attention all day long. I came back to my breath, to my life, to the moment and remembered that there is nothing but love there waiting for me. Maezen herself would say that there was nothing she talked about that we each didn't already know. Truth works like that, constant and patient for us to return. I was reminded of the life that is front of me. I was reminded of the work that is mine. I was reminded to sit, to walk, to listen. To be. Part of me is fighting this urge to hold onto every nugget of wisdom she carried with her that day. I want to encourage my mind to remember the details of what she said. I want to write them down so that I can revisit them and remember the way I felt when I heard them. The truth is, they are written down. Not in my mind, but in the center of my universe. They are here, with me, always. I know that what I need from our day together will always be here for me. I know that the faint remembrance of her voice, of her laughter, of her words will filter into my consciousness exactly when they are supposed to. I trust, without knowing how or why, that I gained everything I could possibly have gained just by allowing myself to step into the field beyond right or wrong. I am excited for my practice. For my life. For coming home.
I come here with a myriad of thoughts hoping to escape. Each of them tugging at me for attention, hungry for release. My mind is both full and empty. My heart, the same. This is the first time in quite a while where I have answered the call to write. I know little of what to actually create here in this moment, but I am here none the less and believe that in doing so, I am doing something. I had a session yesterday with my life coach in which I was able to spend some time in that gracious space of communing with my higher self...with that inner wise woman and endless source of love. After my session, I was thinking a lot about ways in which I have been denying myself release. Writing...this beautiful medium of expression, has certainly been one of those things. I am not acknowledging this in a hurtful or blaming way. I am gentle with myself in knowing that the past little while in my life has been full of twists and turns and unexpected curves. I have been traveling with heavy hurts and have spent a great majority of my time in survival mode...trying to keep afloat. But I also know that this expression for me...this is something that heals me. It always has. It takes me into deeper processing and also allows me to spend time with my inner space in a way I am not always taking time for. Last year, for the New Year of 2009...instead of making resolutions I chose to hold in my consciousness a single word. One word that would guide my thoughts and actions into the new year and beyond. My word last year was "integrity". It was a year of really stepping into my own power and owning my thoughts and actions to fully represent my life vision. For 2010, my word is "action". One of the key truths that was uncovered in my session yesterday was this: I am the ONLY person responsible for my own happiness. My authentic self is not dependent on my relationships or circumstances. Pretty profound, huh? ;) But really...truly... it actually is when this truth settles into the depth of my being. It is deeply profound. For me, this means that I can always be the person that I want to be. In every moment of the day...if I so choose. I can take action to create my reality into a living representation of my inner truth. I can learn to love myself more deeply...and in doing so, learn to extend myself to my relationships, community and the world in an even more intense and beautiful way. There are so many small actions that come to mind when I think of how I can be deliberate with this truth. And so, I am committing to make this a year of action. I am taking *action* in order to live 100% fully alive and in deep integrity. Really, I have nothing to lose. So, one of my intentions is to start writing again. Writing about this journey. Writing with greater trust and courage. Writing just to write, to take action on what it is I know I am being encouraged to do by that inner wisdom. To share myself in the raw. I have an on-line writing space waiting for me. I envision it to be a place where my heart spills open, freely. I am working on it now...trying to create it in a way that feels inviting and good to my soul. I will be signing off in this space within the month...but until the new one is ready for residency, I'm hoping to occupy this place much more frequently than I have the past several months! I have so many longings that need to be offered a voice. Sometimes I shut them off for fear of just adding to my list of things that I have started and never quite get around to finishing. But I am no longer believing that story I tell about myself. I no longer think that I am not enough or that I fail if something doesn't quite reach some imagined end result of completion. Instead, I believe I am a woman of wander and wonder...making her way through life the best she can and learning to love wholly along the way. Truly and deliberately becoming the change she wishes to see all around her. I wanted to share a couple of links here. These are just a few of the beauties who are currently (and continuously) inspiring and encouraging me on my life path. Dancing Mermie and her creative assignment every day Beautiful Boho and her courage in cleansing Maggie Ann and the courageous way in which she shares her evolution and transition into motherhood...and how deeply she experiences life MB and her utter, absolute magic ~ lasting peace to each of you~