there are many days where i feel like i need so much more. i need to travel. i need to be OUT in the world instead of here in my home. i need to live somewhere different. i need to have it all figured out...how to best raise these children...what to feed them, how to clothe them, what toys are safe for them, should they have a tv or not, what kind of play i should engage them in, etc. i need to figure out how to make more time for me...for my own dreams, for my ambitions, for my ideals. i need to make money somehow so that i am financially independent and so that i contribute to my family in that way. i need to maintain my values and bring them into my interaction with these children. i need to teach them that we are all equal...that we are all connected...that we are all valued. i need to plant a garden and grow my own vegetables and ride my bike more. i need to be more conscious with what i buy and be more aware of what we really need.
i ask myself questions, like what would i be doing if i weren't a mom or if money wasn't an issue or if i could be anything i wanted to be. what would i fill up my days with? how can i bring some of this dreaming into my life right now...into my reality right now...how can i take steps?
i start to look at how i depend on different people for encouragement and support and understanding. i think about how i need to cultivate more self love in my life...how i need to look for like mindedness and then reach out for friendships. i need to figure it all out, ya know. that is usually what gear i am in...and it most certainly gets tiring, because, well...i just can't figure it all out.
i start to get discouraged that i am so unorganized...that my gypsy soul wanders about into realms of what cannot be...that i don't know how to put a label on myself...that my heart beckons for more than suburban living and schedules. the things that i like most about myself...my free spirit and randomness...my love for sponteneity and trips to unkown places...my capacity to take risks and explore new ideas...my need for contact and change...my desire to question the status quo...to go against the grain...to think my own thoughts and live my own life. it all sits inside of me quietly...waiting for recognition, for a chance to be unleashed...for some kind of oppurtunity to come forth and say "LOOK...we're still here...these pieces of you that mean so much".
there are days when i feel like i need so much more. i need to have myself figured out. i need to learn how to PLAN things...to weigh the options instead of jumping into something because my instinct tells me to. i need to learn how to navigate this course instead of flying on bits of a breeze and trusting where it takes me. i need to learn how to be more scheduled and precise and accurate. i need to be on time and bring all of the right things and wear clothes that make me look put together. and good grief, i need to figure out a genre for this blog...i am all over the place!
there are days when i feel like i need so much more. but the truth is...i don't. i don't need any more than what i already have. i don't need to have it all figured out. i don't need to be put together and organized. yes...it might make my reality flow a bit more smoothly...it might make our path a bit less windy and a bit more straight. but that just isn't me, i guess. i don't have a category. i don't fit in a box. i weep and i laugh. i dance and i sing. i mess up. i do good. i fall down. i get up. i look within and i look outside of myself. i get confused and then i find answers. i make up my own definition of what a mama is. and really the times where i understand myself most...and am most comfortable with my life... is in the moments that hold love. simple, really. big, beautiful, messy, hopeful love. and the great thing about my life at this moment? love is pretty hard to escape with these two babes around.
it takes me past the hurt and dissapointment...into the realms of my sweet dreams.
i'm doing my best to hang on to those moments. the ones that slip past too quickly and keep me longing for more...the ones that bring a little bit of calm into the madness...a little bit of certainty in who i am and what i am meant for. oh...those moments!
bring 'em on!