happy solstice!

love.love.love

my sweet sisters Jamie and Cory

I keep looking over this picture and just smiling because of the way it tells a story and captures a silly moment. I also am loving it because it speaks to us of what we capture through film and how much power that holds. I keep thinking about the pictures I take now, and what they might come to mean to the people who will find them years from now. It all kind of helps me feel connected. I have been wandering down that little avenue of connectedness and family... of those who have come before and those who have yet to come...of death and new life.

We have been reading a lot about the different winter customs around the world. We have been learning about the winter solstice and how, for thousands of years, people have been celebrating the return of the light. A theme that runs throughout many of the world's winter traditions is the theme of light.

So, I have been holding that in my heart, and thinking on what it means to me...and making intention to bring consciousness into this home on the blessings of light and the promises of new beginnings. I'm really enjoying finding meaning and creating tradition and exploring ideas during this specific season...it all kind of settles into me like a sweet song.

And...it seems to give me this glint of hopeful energy on these days where my babies are sick with the flu...on these days where it can sometimes be hard to remember the whole picture in the cycle of life. It all comes together through shared moments of light and love.

the light around and among us

i can't seem to find my voice lately...days come and go and it takes all of my energy just to make it through to the end with enough of the day being spent playing and making and enjoying the light as it shines for shorter and shorter periods of time. my energy is being pulled in lots of different directions...all of them right here in my own little world...but it doesn't leave me with much in the form of documenting and writing. i feel a bit lost with all of that but find great comfort in drawing my arms around this little family and pulling them close and snuggling in to the warmth of everything this season holds. i feel that need...a need to hold my little ones close and to draw myself in. i am not sure if it is "winter" (because i'm not quite sure that you can call this winter over here)...but something is causing me to retreat a bit and just hang tight to what i know and love.

i've been really blessed with these small moments of understanding that the world really is a lovely place. after one of my tires blew out yesterday...i was met with an angel of kindness...who so totally went out of his way to be of assistance to me. he enlarged my faith in human kind and gave me a moment to look back on when that same faith begins to narrow and shrink. i also had an unusually sweet exchange with a few kind souls at a Harley Davidson store this afternoon. isn't it funny how it feels so rare and strange for someone we don't "know" to place a gentle hand on our shoulder and engage themselves in our lives in a way that feels so comfortable and familiar. i love when people just let their hearts out on their sleeves and make you want to stay longer and talk more and take off your shoes for a visit. mmmm...i think i will go back there for a recharge if i ever need one!

so, although i haven't been making time to be here lately...i have been savoring some very sweet, fun and cozy moments. i thought posting some pictures of just a few of them would be a nice way of "catching up" a bit.

a short picture story of just a few (but very sweet) moments had in our corner of the world.

making pine cone bird feeders just in time for the rain

making, hanging and opening our advent envelopes with small slips of fun found inside!

a rare night out for me and Josh attending his work holiday party cookie baking and eating with my wonderful sisters and mom brown paper packages tied up with string...and inside? some of the sweetest ornaments ever for us to exchange.

christmas tree hunting at dusk

on the prowl

sweet sentiments all around and finally...finding the perfect one for us, bringing it home and making it all our own.

stopping in...

I really didn't intend to take a break from here for an entire week! It seems to have just happened. I don't have a USB chord to help me transfer my pictures to the computer (babies AND dogs like to use those for chew toys)...I spent a good 24 hours housing a nasty flu bug in my body...and I also just felt a need to draw back a bit...a full mind. All of it contributes to why I haven't posted. But...more consistent I shall be.

the sweet one year old

photo by debbie

Journey's birthday party was so sweet. She was surrounded by many people who love and cherish her. What more could a girl ask for? I am always so thankful for the amount of support and love that exists in these little ones lives.

She also got a slew of gifts...all of them so generously and thoughtfully given. Some of them were handmade and crafted with care...and that kind of gifting simply makes me swoon. I keep running my hands over them and soaking in their artistic beauty many times a day. I'll have to show a few of those in another post.

A lovely day for a truly lovely little gal.

in his sweet dreams photo by debbie I have been trying to catch up on my favorite blogs (I haven't re-discovered my rhythm with this just yet)...my minds seems to be quite full and it pours out into my days and somehow there isn't enough time to do all that I would like. I have noticed, though, that in many corners of the world...there is snow drifting down onto the earth and leaving behind a blanket of white to be played in and enjoyed (or not!). We, of course, have nothing of the sort...and so, it always seems to take a bit more effort for me to try and get into the spirit of the holidays. It just doesn't "feel" like winter. So...in that attempt...I am trying to engage us in some fun holiday crafting and doing my best to sprinkle the season's light around our home.

journey's first birthday cake...chocolate zucchini, yum!

photo by debbie

It certainly does feel like the holidays in that there is a lot going on and there is a lot to get done. I'm trying to sink into a steady motivation with all that I have decided to make. A bit ambitiously perhaps...but I hope that it all works out to my advantage! Thankfully, I don't think I have committed myself to making anything I am not sure I have the capacity to make. It is just a matter of creating the time. That can be the tricky part in this house.

My most treasured moments in these December days are the dark mornings and evenings...and the coolness that has finally come upon us in those hours...and the way my kettle warms me up just perfectly while I pour myself yet another cup of hot tea.

oh sweet soul

I am craving to read my written account of your birth this morning...and seeing pictures of your newborn self. All of that is still on the old hard drive, so I won't get the chance to do any of that...but I am re-living it all in my heart today. I am thinking about how this time last year, our lives were so incomplete without you and we weren't even aware of it.

One year ago today...I had just woken up and realized that, although my water had broken the night before, there wasn't much action going on throughout the night. I started making plans to go visit an acupuncturist to get needled in hopes of speeding things along naturally and avoiding any medical intervention. We did that around 9 am and then came home and went for a long walk...I took a warm shower and started my hypnobirthing. Around one, I knew that I was in good labor...but was thinking that I had another three or four hours to go. We had to meet my midwife at the birth center at 2 pm because of the situation with my water breaking. I was just hoping that I would be able to stay at the birth center instead of having to go to a hospital to be monitored. And, well...you had plans of your own. Your auntie and uncle came over to drive us in their car. I was having some good contractions and they made a nice comfy bed in the back of their Pilot for me to labor in. Little did we know that a few contractions into the drive...you started making your way out. You trusted that I knew how to birth...you trusted that your daddy would be there to catch you...you trusted so much and made all of us in the car trust as well. I remember eventually surrendering to what was happening and going fully into my work of birthing with the same amount of instinctive "knowing" that you must have felt at the same time. You were born...you were so quiet...you just laid on my belly and looked. Beautiful birth...beautiful you. One year ago today, we didn't know if you were a boy or a girl. We didn't know as intimately the peace of your soul as we do now. We didn't know that your name would fit you so perfectly well and that you would take us on a such a lovely journey with your wisdom and faith. Beautiful girl...beautiful you.

It seems that this year has too quickly come and gone. You have met each milestone with confidence and ease...as if you know exactly how each step is taken. I find myself falling more and more in love with you each and every new day. You brighten our world with your calm...with your laughter...with your ever so precious way about you. The way your eyes take in the world...the way your spirit brings joy to everyone around you. You are a treasure in this place...and my hope for you today is that the world brings you just as much light as you have brought to the world. May you do things that you love today...dance and play and eat sweet peas and bananas. And may you always keep your trust in who you are and what you are meant to do. I learn many magical lessons from your soul.

Beautiful day...Beautiful you.

in my head

It's Journey's first birthday tomorrow. Tomorrow she is one. I am in denial. I have been thinking of her as a forever baby, and while she is still quite young, I can't deny how much she is expanding in her life. I've already been so sentimental today. After dinner we all piled in the van and went for a cruise to look at lights. We did that same thing this night last year...and when we got home, I started leaking amniotic fluid and then my water broke without any contractions and the next day...voila! I gave birth to my baby girl in the car.

Right now I will refrain from getting lost into the mystery and magic of her birth...more on that tomorrow perhaps.

I wanted to make Journey a birthday crown for her special day...and didn't know where to go for any kind of pattern...so I just made something up. You can certainly tell that was the case with this...but I don't think she minds the flaws one bit. She has been wearing it around and even attempting to put it on herself! That gives me lots of joy.

Today it rained all day...it is still raining. We haven't seen this much rain in a looooooooong time...it is so thirst quenching and incredibly lovely. My door and windows were open the entire day and my babies loved trotting in and out of the rain. Journey was especially fond of playing in it...I have never seen her so excited over anything. We played and got cold and then came inside and took a warm bath and put our slippers on and cuddled close. We also listened to holiday music the entire day. All of that is quite a combination to put one in the crafty mood. I have several crafts in mind that I hope to engage Asher in this year...we tried a few today...but the rain beckoned, and making things just wasn't the priority. But for whatever reason I have this amazing amount of energy for getting things rolling. I have our winter decorations out and up this past week...there are snowflakes all over our windows and that always makes me want to drink lots of hot chocolate and spiced cider.

I've also been lost in the world of browsing on line for gifts. Oh my. I get overwhelm from all of the splendor of natural toys and imaginative play props out there...not to mention all of the handmade deliciousness on etsy. I have pledged myself to buy handmade this year...and to make a good chunk of my gifts. And while there is a possibility that a store bought item (or two ) might find their way into my gift giving...most all of them will be handmade or thrifted. That makes the upcoming holidays seem extra cozy to me.

So...nablopomo is coming to an end. It has been a good ride for me...this practice of being present here every day. It feels weird to not have that obligation anymore. Like, I will either keep posting every day or I will just rebel and forget all about it. I think the case might be that I have found a good ritual here...and I think it is good for me to keep it up (not every day...I will spare you the boredom!). I will probably be more consistent in this sphere though...and will challenge myself to write and photograph and create and live in ways that are good and pleasing to my soul.

Thanks for joining me...and for all of your loving encouragement.

I am blessed.

the magic curtain

I think it would be safe to say that in most matters of living, I am an all or nothing kind of gal. I do find myself walking middle of the road on several streets in life...but if something calls out to my heart...I jump in without hesitation and I usually require that ALL of me comes along for the ride. If/when I feel passionately about something, I become passionate about it and I kind of lose the big picture. Urgency is alive and I usually carry myself to learn more or do more or live more of whatever it is that has become embedded in my life story at the moment. I tend to want to get things moving in the direction of my callings...in a leaping sort of way...sometimes steps don't seem sufficient. Granted, I know how to straddle the fence and be uncertain about a LOT in this world...but when I do reach certainty...I want to go with it, even if it means changing my mind further down the road. I am human after all and am constantly learning and evolving my perspective, yes?

So...there is this situation in our home. The TV. I don't hate it. I don't love it. But, I DO have some opinions about how it effects our lives...and admittedly, sometimes I do hate it. I have been known to sponsor my own TV Turnoff Weeks out of the blue because I feel like it is what our brains need. If it were entirely up to me...I wouldn't have one. I didn't grow up with a TV. We had one in our home, but the only time I ever remember watching it as a young child was twice. Once to watch a rented "Thriller" and the other time "Grease". The VCR was rented too. In Junior High, it became a known fact that we could pick up a couple of channels without cable or bunny ears. So then, I got to watch some Full House and Family Matters and other "quality" shows like that. ;)

When I moved to college, it was the first time ever that I lived in a house with cable...and even then I was too busy to watch much. When I moved to Oregon for a semester, I didn't even have a TV in my apartment and I think that was a very good thing for me. I kind of felt like I lived in a cave, but that was sort of what I needed at the time.

Sometimes I dream of breaking the glass in our TV and using the rest of it to frame some art or to pot some flowers or something funky like that. Although I set fairly strong boundaries and limit the variety to that of PBS(which is one reason why I love the fact that we don't have cable)...I still feel like it is too easy for me to let limits come and go with one more show slipping by...and for us, that just isn't what feels "right". It kind of sucks out the potential for good times. I don't really like having it in our "living" space either...and since our home is one of the "wee" variety...that is kind of hard to avoid. So...there it sits...and stares at us and beckons certain sensory hungry individuals to want want WANT it. And, more often than I would like...it gets turned on just because it is there. So...I came up with a solution. Since I am not the only one living here...and since some of us don't like the idea of putting it away in the garage...I decided to create a compromise and cover it up. I sewed up a little curtain for our TV last night and am putting all my faith in believing that it will help me with the temptation of relying on it for some (much longed for) mellow time during the day (which, of course, ultimately just causes more stimulation in our world). And, I am really hoping that the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" holds true for this particular situation...because how much nicer would it be to not even have to worry about setting limits because no one ever even ASKS to watch it?

We'll see if this curtain can work it's magic.

Circle Round

"Surround yourself with people who respect and treat you well."

-Claudia Black

I have this quote attached to my refrigerator. I read it every day...and think on it...and am doing my best to bring the lesson of it into my life. I've been thinking about the people who allow me the space to be me...ALL of me. I tend to crave quite a bit of independence. I don't always feel comfortable with people being too close. After I expose myself a bit...I always feel a period of dis-ease. Should I have revealed myself that way? I like my space. That is why I sometimes find it quite humorous that I blog. I certainly don't lay it all on the line here...but there are occasions where I put my heart out...where I say things that I normally keep inside or where I just let go of thoughts and ideas and longings and beliefs that swirl around and take up room in my head and heart. Once I let go of them here...they are out there...but not in a way that usually leaves me uncomfortable. I might experience some vulnerability...but it doesn't last long...I can talk myself into just letting it be.

And when all of that is met with the kind of support...the kind of respect and goodness that comes from comments and e-mails and conversations in and about this space...that always takes me beyond the realm of just letting it be into the realm of really honoring and appreciating what this type of sharing can do for people.

That isn't to say it is to replace one-on-one interaction with the world. Although, it does open up avenues to communicate with people I may have never "met" in real life (yet anyway!)...it certainly also speaks to me of what I am wanting and loving about the relationships that exist in my physical sphere. There are several people in my life who allow me to be ME. They appreciate the journey...the searching...the experimentation...the honesty...the bare-bone craziness of life. There are people that I open myself up to in different ways...in ways that don't always feel "easy"...but where I am met with acceptance, with kindness, with empathy and understanding.

I'm really wanting to cultivate more of this in my heart...this being OPEN...this letting people in. Of course...I still want to protect myself in some ways. I know it is important to seek the kind of people who are open to my energy as well...because I DO know how it feels for an open heart to be dismissed...so this is where the learning takes place for me. In discernment of those who are open to me...and then, in turn, being more open to them. These beautiful souls who travel this earth and somehow, so perfectly, form tribes with me...through thought or form or heart or spirit...helping me breathe in the comfort of knowing that this is good. All is well in my world.

It is true...there are beautiful, affirming hearts forming circles around me at every moment.

"thank you" to my tribes.

exhale

I have surely posted more of these "just showing up" kind of posts more than I would have liked this month. I haven't quite made nablopomo into the writing challenge that I initially wanted to create it to be. There have been several days where I have just clicked "publish post" in the nick of time or where I haven't had enough energy to develop something more flavorful than a simple thought or recap. Oh my...today is another one of those days! We have these sometimes. These days where heads bump and strong wills tug at each other for space. I guess that is expected when you live under the same roof and hang out with one another day in and day out. I think it also has something to do with one mama and two babes being quite tired and "off". I always try to keep this in mind...the post-holiday-fun days where everyone seems to be scrounging to find a sequenced rhythm again. It feels like we can't hear the beat we normally live to...and each person is trying passionately to recover their drummer. Today was one of those days where I realize more and more the importance of honoring that need for rhythm in the lives of these children...and how sometimes it is good to say no thanks. Too much is...well...too much. I have a good perspective today. A stretched thin, worn out, tired perspective...but it is clear, and it is good. And it is always so nice when playing make believe turns the entire day up and shining. Like when your toddler refuses to listen to any words coming out of your mouth. Things like, "will you please eat your dinner?" or "please don't put the dog in the recycle bin"...but will do whatever you ask of him when he pretends to be a dog named Bubba. Make believe really is magic. I am off to continue that kind of magic with my feet propped up, a mug of hot chai cupped between my hands, some deep, mindful breaths, "Miss Potter" in my DVD player, and, perhaps if I'm lucky...an empathetic husband rubbing my feet.

the ABC's of me

journey girl discovering the abc's

i've seen this little idea floating around out there and thought it would be kind of fun to try. it is always a bit difficult...writing specifics about myself. well...the actual narrowing down part is the hardest, the writing isn't so bad. i am constantly amazed, though, at what good this does for me...working through thoughts and trying to assign words to who i am and what i am about. we'll see how it goes...

A-ambitions. I share some of them...I have so many more

B-bohemian beauty makes me swoon...i dig the boho magic

C-contradiction. i am a walking one at times...an ecclectic creature i am

D-disorganized. or assembled in a spastic sort of way

E-emotional. reality is not confined to the five senses

F-fire. i'm a fire sign and i follow my flames

G-gypsy. a gypsy soul...gallivanting the globe is my forever dream

H-heart. without heart there isn't much

I-intuition. learning to trust it and hear it in ways that i have been fearful of

J-juggler. constant departures and arrivals...something always lost mid air

K-kindred. i seek them, i love them, i long for them

L-love.love.love. learning to love with wild abandon

M-mindful mama...my most immediate challenge

N-ature. native wisdom always inspires me to create greater harmony.

O-open. a beautiful, round concept. no beginning or end. open heart, open mind.

P-peace. let it be everywhere.

Q-questions. i have a lot. i ask a good amount. i will keep forming more.

R-rare. a word i love, enchanting me with meaning. a rare experience/soul/occasion...all so inviting.

S-sensitive. to energy, experience, inner voice. sends me seeking for spirit.

T-touch. it is important. nonviolent touch is paramount to our world.

U-undecided. there is so much more to know.

V- V-day. until the violence stops.

W-wholeness. growing towards full, fabulous, freedom.

eXplore. body, mind, spirit, world.

Y-yin/yang. there is balance...saying yes to acceptance.

Z-zen. intrigued by. learning to look within.

whew! ok...if you want to play...leave me behind your most beloved letter and some kind of meaning that connects it to you! i really love reading little bits of things that tell me more about YOU. oh yes, i really do!

*sigh*

rest

It has been a pretty busy few days in our world. Nap times have been ignored, element all askew. We have been having a lot of out-of-the-house kind of fun (some of the best kind) and now we must deal with the repercussions of what that means for a three year old and one year old. And really, it only seems that life will slow down in spurts and phases, until our pace is peaked again with "to-do's" and events and all of that holiday energy that seems to come buzzing around this time of year. Buzz.

I have been sleepily visiting this space here for the past three or four nights...with barely enough time to scrounge up a picture or a few (very few) words in order to meet my commitment to posting daily this month. I actually fell asleep while I posted those pictures last night...and woke up just in time to post before midnight. That wasn't what I had in mind when I committed to nablopomo...I thought I might dig in and go deep and maybe I would have made a lot of different things to share in this space...but that hasn't been the case. My head has been full of different posts that come in and leave just as quickly...and some that stay but that I just don't have the openness to share. My heart has been thinking about that matter too...do I share too much? Am I comfortable with people reading bits and pieces of "me" that I usually don't let wander too far from my own protection and evaluation? My head is spinning with things that I wish I could get done for this season...and with ideas about crafts and ideas about gifts and overwhelm in the world of what to do and what to let go of...what I am capable of influencing and that which I am not. I'm trying to create simplicity and in my mind that "should" be simple... but so much from the outside sends me buzzing into complexity and clutter. Buzz.

Ahhh...thankfully I have a few of the simple things in my life that bring a bit of rest into my world.

The kind of family that fills me with laughter and makes my world a bit lighter.

Cool mornings and evenings that are FINALLY here...the ones that make my home feel so cozy and warm.

The two slices of pumpkin pie in my fridge. mmmmmmm.....

I hear one calling my name.

Rest easy dear friends.

a guaranteed good time

thank you, my sisters...for the "just right" kind of night.

game day

this is what i have been doing for a good portion of the day. playing games and being with people that make me happy. ok...so maybe this wasn't more interesting than last night's post....but i am having a whole heap of fun...and that is so much more wonderful than eating pie...really.

have a wonderful night.

nothing but pie

the only energy i have left from today is being used to DEVOUR the slice of pumpkin pie i just dished out for myself.

it was a delicious day...and the deliciousness is continuing on into the wee hours of the night with this piece of pie.

mmmm....yum.

to all a good night.

i'll be back here tomorrow with something far more interesting to read.

promise.

all the sweet things

right now my home is being filled with the smell of ginger, cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon and sugar happily blending and baking in what i hope to be the best tasting pumpkin cheesecake pie...ever. today we went to pick up my sister and her boyfriend from the airport. while we were waiting for their arrival and watching people welcome their loved ones, asher voiced an especially sweet observation. "they sure like to kiss in here!" i am thankful for pumpkin cheesecake and for the fact that i have so many wonderful people to kiss. if you are celebrating thanksgiving tomorrow...may it be a warm and cozy one!

7 things...

I recently got tagged by Rebecca from Just A Thought... , to write 7 random things about me. You might remember that I did this tag a few months ago...and I practically bored you to death with facts about food. I must have had food on the brain. I will try to do better this time around...and I thank Rebecca for a perfectly timed game of tag because I am feeling quite unmotivated with this "posting every day" bit of nonsense...and tonight, well, tonight I am especially fumbling along with it. So...without further ado...I bring you my 7 random things about me..as if you wanted to know more! ;)

1. I went to France the summer before my senior year in High school. I went there with several people from my French studies class. I studied French all four years of High school. Do I remember any of it? Ummm...not much. But I loved my few weeks in France. We flew into Paris and stayed there for several days and then traveled down the Loire Valley...visiting Chateau's and eating delicious meals and visiting with the French folk...ending our trip with several nights stay in Nice. Ahhh...a little piece of heaven on earth. I journaled the entire time I was there...every day...and I often find myself revisiting that journal just to breath in a tiny bit of the beauty of that experience. This gypsy soul felt so at home...and I promised myself that I would return for a longer stay. Hasn't happened yet, but I am sure it will, someday.

2. I have a phobia of being asked what my "favorite" of anything is. I don't know why. I just don't seem to have favorites. Although...I will put that label on several things...like my "favorite" dessert being chocolate eclairs...but I don't expect it to stay that way...and I sometimes just say it to emphasize how much I really like something AT THAT MOMENT. Somehow I think that prescribing that word to anything would eliminate the possibility of other things being my favorite...and well, we all know by now how I like to try and keep the possibilities endless.

3. I love language. Some of my most favorite (there I go with the favorites) classes in high school and college were my English classes and my cultural linguistics class and any other class that I had to write or read in. I actually took an extra English class my senior year in high school. It wasn't required and I could have filled that hour with plenty of no brainer classes OR I could have had a free hour and gone home or to a coffee shop or whatever before having to come back...but no...I took an extra English class. I was incredibly involved my senior year and I had before school things and after school things...and I felt like leaving in the middle of all of it wouldn't make much sense. But now that I think about taking an extra English class (it was Shakespeare's tragedies)...THAT is what isn't making a whole lot of sense to me! My major in college was incredibly heavy with writing and reading assignments. Incredibly heavy. I think that I wrote five 20 page essays for my final semester of my senior year and I KNOW that I had a paper due in every class, every week that was about 10 pages long...and that was just the writing. It was a bit ridiculous...but although I probably complained a great deal, I secretly loved it. I loved that I could wait till the last minute and purge an essay that was at least worth a B in one hour. It was some kind of strange self-challenge or warped adrenaline rush. Weird...I know...but I love language and the written word and writing. I do.

4. There are moments that never leave my heart and I visit them often and try to re-live different things about what they have brought to me. A seriously POWERFUL one that helps shape and move me and bring me light is one that I experienced at a camp that I went to in High school. It was called Anytown camp and it was all about people of different races, religions, social statures, genders, abilities, etc...coming together for an entire week and living together and eating together and singing together and being challenged together and discussing really important, powerful things. We had different activities each day that challenged the way we think. Things that made us uncomfortable and that moved us beyond what just "is" in our society into the realm of what "could be". It was an incredible week...and there was much love formed and all these wonderful kumbaya kind of feelings that made you really believe that the world can be a different place. One of the activities we did before we had to leave one another and revisit the "real" world was to form two equal lines (one moved and one did not) and to face one another and hold hands...meeting the eyes of each person who moved in front of us for 2 or 3 whole minutes each, until we held the hands and stared into the eyes of every person at camp...no words could be spoken...not a whisper...and your eyes had to stay fixed on the persons in front of you. Staring at their beauty and their pain and their humanity and seeing their soul and thanking them and loving them all through each other's eyes. Wow. So...I carry that experience with me all the time, even if I don't actually think about it...but sometimes I do. Sometimes it helps remind me that we are all human...and that if I had the chance to just stare into the eyes of the people who challenge me or hurt me or ignore me or who are just simply different...I would see a human...and a lifetime of their own hurts and fears and issues and pain...and I would see their soul making it's way just as mine is.

5. Our house is about 90% furnished by somebody else's "junk". Josh works Saturdays with a company that picks up people's "junk" and dumps it...and he has salvaged so many amazing treasures along the way. We have a bedroom set, an extra antique dresser and night stands, a small table, two over the toilet wooden cabinet things that were still IN THE BOX when people were throwing them out, an entire shelving unit from Ikea that was still IN THE BOX, two bicycles, two bar stools, a barbecue, a lawnmower, computers up the wazoo, a TV, an entertainment center, and who knows what I am forgetting here. It is amazing how much use we have gotten out of it all...when someone was just going to throw it all out! I love having all these "recycled" goods in our home...it really is telling of how one persons trash is another persons treasure! Most everything else we have was either given to us or was bought second hand...and although there are days where I could make a list of what would be nice to have "new"...I really do have a genuine appreciation for what is old and lived in. It all makes me very happy.

6. Speaking of loving old things...I love vinyl records. I have my own collection and, over the years, have coveted my most favorite albums from my parents' collection and even had a donation from my uncle's collection a few years back. There is something about the sound of a record cracking along that fills me up with nostalgia...sending me to the days of the past that I wasn't around for but so wish I was. I discovered my love for vinyl at a young age and started listening to Donovan, The Beatles, Peter, Paul and Mary, the Mama's and the Papa's, Paul Simon, etc. My parents bought me my own record player in high school and I took it up to college with me (along with their collection) and played it throughout my apartment living days. Josh accidentally stepped on the cover and broke my player and then I got another one a few years ago as a gift and Josh broke that one too. That one is fixable... it just needs a new needle...but it is something I keep putting off. I think writing this post is just the motivation I needed to fix it because now I am craving the rhythmic, dusty old sound of a record going round and round.

7. I was in a college production play when I was in the 7th grade. Oliver. I was one of Fagen's boys and I also played an orphan boy. I had scheduled rehearsals a few times a week at the college in our town. It really was a community event. I don't know where I found the nerve to audition...to get on stage and sing a song and recite a monologue...but I did...and I made the cut...and I was so excited about that! It was a lot of fun...the makeup and the family that was formed among the cast members and the singing and dancing and improvising. There is some really good energy on a set with creative people all around you. I don't know why I didn't stay down this road...that was the last real play that I ever did...but I dream of being a part of that kind of production again and dabbling a bit more in the performing arts. I already have the play picked out.

Alright...that's enough from me. If you read all of this...thank you for your loyalty!:) Now it's your turn...I don't want to be the only one "talking"! If you find yourself visiting here and want to exercise a little self-searching...leave me one bit of randomness about YOU...I would love to hear it!

some days

There are days where you have plans. Plans to donate your bags full of "stuff" to the local Goodwill. Plans to continue cleaning and bagging and sorting and ridding. Plans to take on the garage and make a dent. Plans to visit the fabric store so you can FINALLY get started on that TV cover and curtains. Plans to start reading this book with your kids outside on a blanket and then come inside to make strings of leaves that you collected last month when you were up north. Plans to work on some art that you started last week that is moving very s.l.o.w.l.y. Plans. Some days you have plans.

And sometimes, on these days where there are so many plans...it is best to call your sister and ask her to come over for a visit. It is best to make a fresh lunch and to have her show up with yummy rolls for all of us and two caffeine free cokes...one for me...one for her! It is best to play HALLOWEEN with a little three year old who asks you to select your very own imaginary costume from his very large imaginary costume rack...and then it is best to have him help you get imaginary dressed and for him to tell you that you are a pink bat and that your sister is an eagle and that the dog is a duck and that his baby sister is a pirate. It is best to decide to go visit a friend and to see her beautiful belly and to watch your children play together and argue over animals. It is best to come back home and take a short, sweet nap with your babes and to wake up just in time to dance around before you start dinner. Oh yes...sometimes all of that is best.

There are days where you have plans...and there are days where all the plans go out the window and instead you just do what is best.

making space and finding rest

I have been feeling a bit crowded lately. I don't know why or what it means...it's just that sometimes, right smack in the middle of the day, I just need to sit down and B-R-E-A-T-H-E. There has been a lot rolling around my heart about motherhood and then at the same time about my own personal life...the one that doesn't get wrapped up in what it means to "mother". I know I talk about it a lot. It seems like I am finally getting on this path that feels really comfortable...a lot more comfortable than where I have been in terms of being a mama. The path is a little bit off the beaten road...but others have traveled it I am sure, because there are some footprints that have left light marks on the grass and turf. There are those I am meeting, discovering (perhaps for the first time) and re-discovering who are walking this path along with me...holding a hand out along the way or just offering a little encouragement..."you are doing good...keep walking.". It is funny how much MORE I am discovering about what I believe and how I want to live out my life and what values I choose to guide my decisions...and just how I would like to parent these children. I didn't have most of that figured out before I had my babes. Am I the only one that didn't know exactly what kind of mama I wanted to be before actually bringing a child into this world?? Sometimes I feel like I am. I did know a significant amount of what was important to me...I did know certain things that I believe...but by no means did I have it all figured out. I still don't. I suppose that is what happens when you get married and have a baby in your early twenties. At least, it is for me. I am constantly growing, yes. But for the past few years I have felt less like I am growing and more like I am simply surviving. Not just because of my new role as a mama...there are lots of contributing factors...but I have sat in this place for a while and somehow have ignored myself...my growth...the things that are important to me. The way I feel about this life? "Wheresoever you go...go with all your heart."-Confuscious. How I feel about the past few years? Well...it has kind of felt more like I've been watching my life fold out, instead of taking place as a co-creator. Things that have been important to me have kind of sat quietly in my heart...not quite getting to manifestation in my life...but sitting there. Still there.

It has become more and more important to me to get this all situated in my heart. To start living how I want. To start taking this conscious/mindful living, this natural/simple living, this creative living, this life of engaging myself in what is good and real and bare-bone beautiful....taking it and living it. Really taking steps to live it. Not just to have it sitting within, but to have it moving into physical existence in my life. Bringing myself into greater authenticity. It feels so good to sink into that, to be brought back. I may have a ways to go, but I know that I am on the journey there...and those steps are the heart of this life. They are how I learn and live. The ultimate destination is what keeps me moving, but there is great beauty in the travel...in taking steps...one at a time.

I don't always feel like I am moving forward, but for the most part, I can see myself drifting about on wings and leaves and making my way. Today was a bit like that. We did a lot of cleaning...of de-cluttering, donating and organizing. I usually feel more comfortable when there is clutter and chaos around me, but lately I have felt the urge to bring it all into view and to get rid of what isn't serving to help me take steps. It feels good to rid this space of things that don't reflect the path that we are trotting down. It feels good to get rid of the old to make way for the new. Not new "stuff", but new ways of thinking, new ways of living, new ideas and truths being able to find space and settle into our home, becoming a part of how we view the world and our place in it. It isn't easy for me to get organized, let alone STAY organized. But, I have noticed lately that I feel crowded. I feel a bit stressed out by being surrounded by things that aren't necessarily in tune with where I am going. This has to do with so much more than just what is in our home, of course, and it really does feel good to think about it all and look more closely at what isn't supportive and nourishing and inspiring to this effort, in whatever form.

It was a nice day getting some things together...getting rid of stuff that doesn't serve us well anymore...and looking towards a future that invites more in. More of what encourages where we are headed. I find that already, my soul is finding rest in these small movements... and it is proving to be a comfortable place to lay my crowded head.

journey sacked out after a small adventure earlier this morning

*totally off topic and unrelated but incredibly funny to me...

josh just came in to ask me what I was posting about.

my reply?

"I don't know...I'm just letting my hands type."

his reply?

"oh. you should write about what a great husband you have. I mean, I know it would be a really long post, but it would be good."

Ah, yes...and I promise, he already got his massage.

featured artist

Asher has recently acquired quite an interest in my camera. Whenever I have it out, he wants to take turns...and I usually oblige. I like seeing what he sees and how he views things. I have been wanting to share a few of his photos on this space for a while and was motivated to finally do it when I read this post over at Journey Mama. I have quite a collection now, as it has been several months that he started wanting to experiment with seeing and clicking through a lens (well...a digital screen is not quite a lens...but you know). I had a hard time picking out which ones to share with you. I tried to come up with a variety that tells a little story of his world.

his hand

notice how it is in the "claw" position. he uses this for all things that growl.

a cup (and a very dirty floor documented for all to see)

dinosaur on a blanket

i like how the focal point isn't centered on this one.

mama delivering on the photographers request to say "cheese" daddy doing dishes

and a self portrait!

(one of my favorites at the moment)

Aren't they fun? I really enjoyed searching through the pictures he has taken. They are intermixed with all of the ones I take throughout our days and I always get delighted to see things from such a different perspective than I do. I like what he sees.

when i grow up

A while back, the incredibly amazing daisies tagged me for a meme. I was encouraged to think of 5 things that I dream of becoming. 5 things that my heart yearns for despite circumstance, money, location, or any planetary thing that could possibly post a hurdle in the midst of my longing. To quote what she did from the original tagger of this meme: “5 things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things that maybe you have forgotten about in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday, but that never really leave your soul. What you would do if anything at all at all was possible. Spend some time day dreaming…and then post them on your blog, passing the idea along to 5 others..because sometimes we need to pause and remember our dreams, hey? Maybe just saying it out loud will help you discover even little ways you can make them happen. You can write about that, too.”

Oh the wonder. So...I think that I have been subconsciously avoiding this meme, because, well...it is really difficult for me to narrow things down. 5 things? That is all I can write about? My thoughts have been floating to this little meme every so often for the past few weeks and when they do, I seem to just push them all away. I mean, it would require me making decisions and eliminating some of my other dreams in order to describe just 5. You are talking with a gal who refused to declare a major in college...until it was creeping up on my four year mark and there was a little bit more pressure to figure something out. Even then, I just kind of created my own major with a Bachelor of Arts in Liberal Studies. I got to pick an emphasis (women's studies) and a focus (cultural anthropology)...and both of those were based merely off of what I had the most credits of...what I most enjoyed learning about. It worked out wonderfully.

So, here I am tonight. Stretching myself in a way that isn't quite comfortable, but knowing that it is a desperately good thing for me to do. Dream. What could be better for someone who constantly feels the pull of "to do" and responsibility and the every day mundane that whispers in my ear to show up. I must show up. It takes effort to create. It takes effort to dream...because there is so much calling to me at every waking moment. I visited daisies page today, and once again, her words sang out to me like a familiar song...bringing forth wells of emotion and empathy that came together to form a deep, heavy sigh. I have big dreams... and I don't have time for it all...and I don't have the resources to bring it all to fruition...and I can't possibly be everything that I want to be or everything that dwells within me all at once. But in a genuine effort to bring about some positive "can do" energy in this day...I bring you my 5 things. Forgive me if I go on and on. It is Friday...my babies are sleeping, Josh is gone...and I am dreaming. That is a cocktail for rambling if I ever knew of one.

1. When I grow up, I want to be a musician. The kind of musician that grabs her guitar after a Friday night dinner with her family, puts on a scarf and heads out the door to her local coffee shop...where there are beautiful souls waiting to hear her word and sing along to her melody. The kind of musician that sings from her heart...often with tears and always with the truth of her soul shining through her lyrics. oh yes...I want to be a coffee shop singer. I think it would be a lovely thing to share myself in such a melodic and vulnerable way with strangers who turn out not to be strangers at all.

2. When I grow up I want to be a photojournalist. I want to weave stories through picture and prose. I have noticed lately how I am continuously viewing the world. I snap pictures in my mind when I pass something that needs to be forever in scripted on my heart. I see landscape in frame and mentally place objects as focal points that dance and shift about...forming the "perfect" picture that speaks of a moment so true and right. I think in lines of words that move meaning and magic together...sometimes not making sense to anyone but myself...but never the less...changing the way I think to what inspires rhythm and cadence to my thoughts. Words have always meant so much to me. How we speak, what we say, how we convey our truth and experience. It is a dream of mine to pair these habits to form companionship that is full of heart and meaning and longing and truth. One step further? I would use this dream as my political/environmental platform and my words would be my voice and I would wear my heart on my sleeve in the most deliberate way.

3. When I grow up I want to be a doula. I want to be that woman in a small town who all of the pregnant women call to be with them during their pregnancies and births. I am a sucker for a good birth story...ANY birth story, really. And, with the experience of both of my births, with how very different and extraordinary they both were...it only makes me want to be a part of any kind of experience where a human enters the world in his/her lifetime. Incredible. I have had the magical opportunity to witness two of my sisters giving birth to their beauties...and oh! the power of birth. It moves me and touches me in a way that calls to me...you MUST be a part of this. You must do what you can to empower women through this experience. Oh yes...a doula I must be.

4. When I grow up, I want to be an artist. The kind of artist that creates when she needs to create. The kind of artist that works from home...that dabbles in different mediums and methods and tools and materials. The kind of artist that has a small, quaint studio set up in her home...with an inspiration board to bring her sunlight and the perfect music playing on her stereo and enough room to dance and move and love and create and play. I want one day a week where all I do is make. Make whatever it is I am interested in making. I am brave enough to experiment with many different expressions. I make jewelry and paint pictures and sketch pictures and dream up stories and snap photos and sew clothing and get really good and messy. I know the truth that "our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move towards them, we move towards the divine." -The Artist's Way...and I am so NOT afraid to open myself up to greater creativity. I relish in it, I live in it, I grow through it. I am an artist.

5. When I grow up, I want to be a dancer. I dance on stage and my body moves without me having to tell it what to do. I make music through movement. I am the kind of dancer that joins groups like STOMP...where my mind and heart move my body to make something out of the everything that I see on a day to day basis. I move about and hear beats and song in the planes that pierce the sky and the feet that stomp the cement. I grab utensils at restaurants and create a pulse that seeps into my bones and instigates bending and slapping and tapping and clapping and stomping and kicking and joyfully moving. I am the kind of dancer that needs this electrical current that moves me into shapes and construction that I never knew existed. I love to dance...I am the kind of dancer who honors that love.

Shall I keep going? Should I release my desires to be a healer and an animal conservationist...you know, the kind of primal desire that makes you want to live with apes in refuge and make effort for species on the verge of extinction. Should I talk about my longing to own some kind of shop...one that sells fresh flowers or coffee so that I know way too many wacky things about flowers or coffee. Perhaps I should talk about my wish to dive deep in the sea and explore worlds completely unknown to me....to put myself out on the edge where I am unsure of what world is real and where I belong. I could probably keep searching in this abyss of desires...but it is one post...and one lifetime...and this is more than enough for now.

What I really want is more of this...more of this safety in exploring...more of this interaction with those that encourage this kind of dreaming...more of this taking itty bitty steps to bring about more magic in my life. Thanks for the tag beautiful you...I now spread the love to anyone who likes to dream...especially my mom and sisters, because I know you'd dig this kind of fun...and to those of you who feel moved to tell me your own beautiful 5 things in the comments below! Here's to dreaming...and the possibility that lies in "growing up". HAVE FUN!

head in the mud

a hungry flamingo we met on our trip to the wildlife world zoo yesterday

it was a cloudy, grey sky day today. and i loved it. i love grey sky. i stayed in my pajamas all.day.long....which has somehow made me completely and utterly useless for getting anything done. i cozied up with my babies. one who needed to be worn and nursed all day because of a low grade fever and the other who was taking the freedom of having a lazy-day mama around to his advantage. i pretty much pretended not to hear or see anything at all today.

it was a good day...but i am falling asleep at the keyboard.

must.go.sleep.

be well.

get up and dance::wellness wednesday

she's got moves...Journey dancing the night away at fall festival

I was talking with some of my family members yesterday about the tricks we know on opening our hearts to the joy that surrounds us in the every day "normal" moments of our lives. We were talking about how it is easy to find some kind of reason to not let "it" all go and take in the beauty of each moment for what it is. We tossed around confessions of not always making ourselves available to the happiness that is ours for the taking. I got to thinking about when I am really, truly, just in LOVE with the moment. Where, in all the corners of my mind, I am unable to come up with a better place to be. In fact...when I am in these moments, I don't even search for anything else...I just live it out. I just let my body fill up with everything the experience has to offer and I let go of any notion that there is something else to do or think or feel other than what that exact moment has to offer me. I feel most alive when I dance. Oh yes. I do. Especially when I dance with my children. And oh. These two really have the moves. Right now we have entered the world of fast and slow. Asher will talk quietly and deeply, encouraging us to move S-L-O-W. We move about in slow motion with every detail of dance defined and deliberate (how is that for alliteration?) and then quickly we are given the spastic, loud command to move fast...where our bodies suddenly fly about and take form that disappears before the next step even exists in our minds. We shake and toss and twirl and jump and we love.love.love to spin. My favorite moves from the two of them are when Asher is performing his SLOW motions. His body acts as a slinky and moves in contorted ways that mimic a gumby gone loco with music madness. I wish I could move like him. He makes it all look so cool and sneaky and slick. Journey's favorite is to grab behind her legs. One hand on each hammy...and then BOUNCE. Bounce.bounce.bounce. Never stop bouncing. It is the sweetest of things. She will bounce whenever music hits. Or before. I have discovered that anytime I walk near a stereo...the bouncing begins. She will even interrupt a very intense tantrum session to do a little bounce if music happens to begin to fill the air. My little bouncing bean. In college I began my journey into yoga, where I developed a great appreciation for movement therapy. Later down my life line, I was so delighted to be REQUIRED to take two movement therapy classes a semester during massage therapy school. I got to experiment further with yoga and got introduced to Tai Chi and Pilates...and dabbled in a spectrum of others. I haven't yet figured out how to carve out more time in my life to join one of these classes on a weekly basis. But they taunt me and beckon me and...well...someday. For now, I am blessed with my very own movement therapy masters. These kids really know how to use their cores and experiment with the ways their bodies can bend and stretch and hold and pivot. Our dance parties might not be at the caliber of, say, an African Dance class (note to self: must.go.back.soon) but they are comparable to a NIA class (note to self:must.go.back.soon). I always find myself feeling so much more FREE after a good wiggle and jig. I love this so much. Our favorite music at the moment? There is nothing as great as this funky soul. We are so groovin' his beats.

Happy dancing!

oh, the places we'll go!

I have no idea where you will be taken in this post. I just showed up...and that has to count for something!

Yesterday, I spent a good chunk of time making some one's "first year birthday party" invitations. Yes...she's turning one. Oh my. Where on earth did this year go? I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that this little shining light is almost one. It is altogether sad and exciting. Sad that my baby babe is getting to be so...so not a baby. But exciting that she is so hilarious and fun and bright and courageous. She is so loved.

Earlier today, I wrote an entire post and my computer kept shouting at me (silently) that there was no connection to blogger. It wasn't even saved as a draft when I regained connection. grrrr, I say, grrr.

It had a bunch of link love to share with you all. Some links for holiday gifting and handmade treasures and links to wonderful posts about oh.so.good ideas for children's toys. I was going to tell you about the delicious blogs I found today while surfing the net during that magical hour where BOTH of my babes slept. Ah, but it will have to wait till another post. Which, is just fine by me...after all, I do have 17 more days to go this month. I am sure all of that goodness will come in handy later down the line, like, tomorrow perhaps!

Right now I must go give my sweets a massage. A long overdue, much needed and begged for massage. Poor Josh. Usually when people discover that I am a massage therapist, they say one of two things:

(1) Do you need someone to practice on?

or

(2) Your husband is so lucky.

The latter of these two is quite simply NOT true. Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode where Jerry dates a massage therapist and NEVER, ever gets a massage? Yep, it's like that. I promised him last night that I would give him one this evening. And I think he is afraid that I am going to skip out on the deal. He keeps acting like he needs to give me more reasons to treat him to a massage. For example, after my shower earlier, I had this conversation with him:

Me: "I am in love with whoever invented Q-tips."

Josh: "That's funny...because I'M the one who invented Q-tips".

He's trying to convince me that he really deserves this.

I better go make good on my promise.

Oh...before I leave. I must link to this post , because, oh.my.gosh. When I was much younger and more naive, I put my mom's name in a raffle to win a pig and I took the phone call that told me that my mom actually WON the pig...and I was SO beyond excited because I thought that it was a real LIVE pig...and I made a bed for it in my closet and everything. And then my mom had to tell me the "truth" of it all...and I wouldn't touch that pork the entire ETERNITY that it lived in our freezer. Oh the heartbreak.

Sleep tight friends!

your story

I'm thinking about my dad today. About his life story thus far and about all the things that make him who he is today. What kind of things he has seen in his lifetime. What he has heard. What kind of music moves him and what kind of environment is his very own sense of place. I am wondering about his life. About his youth and the things that he endured and saw. I am thinking about him being a young man and visiting a strange land and having to wonder about his own survival. I am thinking of my own understanding of the world at my age now...how I am already 26 and how, by this time in his own life...he had been exposed to so much more. So much more about life and death and the reality of our world. About human strength and weakness and war and love. I wonder about what he knows and about what he has seen. I think about his courage. About him being so conscientious in his service. About him taking a stand for what he knew was of value. I think of his reverence for life and his amazing ability to trust...I mean really trust. With each one of his daughters, he never pushed us to learn...he never interrupted our learning with "advice" of his own. He trusted. He let us live. He knew that we were on our own path and that we would make of our life what we were supposed to make of it. I think of what it is that he has...his gentleness. How all of my friends always ask..."does he ever get MAD?". I think about the lessons I have learned from him...about subtle wisdom that seeps into our conversations and stretches out in my heart...often guiding me through moments of hardship and confusion. I think of how he has never told me what or how to think. Instead, he has asked me what I think. He has encouraged me to find my own way and has trusted me to do my best. He has certainly taught me things...through his own example of living...not by spelling it out for me but by living his truth. He has given me great truth on accepting different beliefs and ideas, about not putting myself above others...for we are all on our own journey. I'm thinking specifically about moments that stand out to me. About mini adventures where I was free to roam. About "I'm a little teacup" and before bed time back rubs. I am thinking about when he bought me moccasins and when he came to talk to me about the food fight I had gotten in during lunch in the 6th grade. I am thinking about his calm and strength when I called him at work sobbing...a scared and heartbroken 14 year old who was begging her dad to not make her move away from her home. I am thinking about his support through my high school years...how he always told me how proud he was and how he always expected good things...how he saw enough in me to support my adventures. I am thinking of how he went up to my college town with me before it was "mine" and slept in a dorm room overnight and made a model of his hand letting go of mine as I took those new steps into adulthood. I always wonder about what he has that makes it look so easy to focus on the beautiful things in life. While he never has told me what to think or believe...I do remember a unique time in which he told me how to feel. I was 22...just out of college...young and single and had just discovered I was pregnant. In tears, and searching for strength, I told he and my mom that I didn't know how to feel. Without missing a beat, my dad stood up, with his own tears in his eyes, and told me I should feel like a mama. With joy he hugged me and congratulated me for this goodness. And the wonderful thing about him is that I know he really did feel joy for me...amidst whatever else may have come into his spectrum of emotions...and THAT is what he chose to focus on. It is that kind of wisdom that I think about today. About how he encompasses these truths that I try so hard to grasp and hold on to. About ways that he brings about change in this world...just by being who he is and honoring what he knows. I think about the times where he has spoken to me words that drift down deep. The ones that I do my best to water and grow so that they take root in my own life. There are words that he has spoken throughout my entire life time to me...some of them, I am sure, have unfortunately been lost in my own sea of sorting and understanding. But others really stay with me...they really bring light into my world and shape my perspective in a way that leaves me feeling like a better person. Something that my dad casually whispered to me a couple of years ago that clings to my soul through struggles and defiance is this..."keep your heart soft, Jess.". And today I think about his heart...and how much longer he has walked this earth than I...and specifically about walking through a time of war so closely...so intimately...that it surely held the potential to turn a heart hard. And I think about what it is in him that has enabled him to keep a soft heart...to create in him this life that holds such gentle strength and trust and wisdom and acceptance and love. I wonder about what guides him into being the kind of human that guides so many others. I am thinking about you today, Dad and I want you to know how greatly you are loved. I know that we speak those words freely to one another...but I want to say it here...on this day...because it is a day of observance. I want you to know that I observe you...that I learn so much through you...and that today, like any other day, I honor your story. A story so beautiful and true. A story that has led up to this amazing man that I call Dad.

love really is all i need

a moment of love...the calm amidst the chaos

there are many days where i feel like i need so much more. i need to travel. i need to be OUT in the world instead of here in my home. i need to live somewhere different. i need to have it all figured out...how to best raise these children...what to feed them, how to clothe them, what toys are safe for them, should they have a tv or not, what kind of play i should engage them in, etc. i need to figure out how to make more time for me...for my own dreams, for my ambitions, for my ideals. i need to make money somehow so that i am financially independent and so that i contribute to my family in that way. i need to maintain my values and bring them into my interaction with these children. i need to teach them that we are all equal...that we are all connected...that we are all valued. i need to plant a garden and grow my own vegetables and ride my bike more. i need to be more conscious with what i buy and be more aware of what we really need.

i ask myself questions, like what would i be doing if i weren't a mom or if money wasn't an issue or if i could be anything i wanted to be. what would i fill up my days with? how can i bring some of this dreaming into my life right now...into my reality right now...how can i take steps?

i start to look at how i depend on different people for encouragement and support and understanding. i think about how i need to cultivate more self love in my life...how i need to look for like mindedness and then reach out for friendships. i need to figure it all out, ya know. that is usually what gear i am in...and it most certainly gets tiring, because, well...i just can't figure it all out.

i start to get discouraged that i am so unorganized...that my gypsy soul wanders about into realms of what cannot be...that i don't know how to put a label on myself...that my heart beckons for more than suburban living and schedules. the things that i like most about myself...my free spirit and randomness...my love for sponteneity and trips to unkown places...my capacity to take risks and explore new ideas...my need for contact and change...my desire to question the status quo...to go against the grain...to think my own thoughts and live my own life. it all sits inside of me quietly...waiting for recognition, for a chance to be unleashed...for some kind of oppurtunity to come forth and say "LOOK...we're still here...these pieces of you that mean so much".

there are days when i feel like i need so much more. i need to have myself figured out. i need to learn how to PLAN things...to weigh the options instead of jumping into something because my instinct tells me to. i need to learn how to navigate this course instead of flying on bits of a breeze and trusting where it takes me. i need to learn how to be more scheduled and precise and accurate. i need to be on time and bring all of the right things and wear clothes that make me look put together. and good grief, i need to figure out a genre for this blog...i am all over the place!

there are days when i feel like i need so much more. but the truth is...i don't. i don't need any more than what i already have. i don't need to have it all figured out. i don't need to be put together and organized. yes...it might make my reality flow a bit more smoothly...it might make our path a bit less windy and a bit more straight. but that just isn't me, i guess. i don't have a category. i don't fit in a box. i weep and i laugh. i dance and i sing. i mess up. i do good. i fall down. i get up. i look within and i look outside of myself. i get confused and then i find answers. i make up my own definition of what a mama is. and really the times where i understand myself most...and am most comfortable with my life... is in the moments that hold love. simple, really. big, beautiful, messy, hopeful love. and the great thing about my life at this moment? love is pretty hard to escape with these two babes around.

it takes me past the hurt and dissapointment...into the realms of my sweet dreams.

i'm doing my best to hang on to those moments. the ones that slip past too quickly and keep me longing for more...the ones that bring a little bit of calm into the madness...a little bit of certainty in who i am and what i am meant for. oh...those moments!

bring 'em on!