in my head

It's Journey's first birthday tomorrow. Tomorrow she is one. I am in denial. I have been thinking of her as a forever baby, and while she is still quite young, I can't deny how much she is expanding in her life. I've already been so sentimental today. After dinner we all piled in the van and went for a cruise to look at lights. We did that same thing this night last year...and when we got home, I started leaking amniotic fluid and then my water broke without any contractions and the next day...voila! I gave birth to my baby girl in the car.

Right now I will refrain from getting lost into the mystery and magic of her birth...more on that tomorrow perhaps.

I wanted to make Journey a birthday crown for her special day...and didn't know where to go for any kind of pattern...so I just made something up. You can certainly tell that was the case with this...but I don't think she minds the flaws one bit. She has been wearing it around and even attempting to put it on herself! That gives me lots of joy.

Today it rained all day...it is still raining. We haven't seen this much rain in a looooooooong time...it is so thirst quenching and incredibly lovely. My door and windows were open the entire day and my babies loved trotting in and out of the rain. Journey was especially fond of playing in it...I have never seen her so excited over anything. We played and got cold and then came inside and took a warm bath and put our slippers on and cuddled close. We also listened to holiday music the entire day. All of that is quite a combination to put one in the crafty mood. I have several crafts in mind that I hope to engage Asher in this year...we tried a few today...but the rain beckoned, and making things just wasn't the priority. But for whatever reason I have this amazing amount of energy for getting things rolling. I have our winter decorations out and up this past week...there are snowflakes all over our windows and that always makes me want to drink lots of hot chocolate and spiced cider.

I've also been lost in the world of browsing on line for gifts. Oh my. I get overwhelm from all of the splendor of natural toys and imaginative play props out there...not to mention all of the handmade deliciousness on etsy. I have pledged myself to buy handmade this year...and to make a good chunk of my gifts. And while there is a possibility that a store bought item (or two ) might find their way into my gift giving...most all of them will be handmade or thrifted. That makes the upcoming holidays seem extra cozy to me.

So...nablopomo is coming to an end. It has been a good ride for me...this practice of being present here every day. It feels weird to not have that obligation anymore. Like, I will either keep posting every day or I will just rebel and forget all about it. I think the case might be that I have found a good ritual here...and I think it is good for me to keep it up (not every day...I will spare you the boredom!). I will probably be more consistent in this sphere though...and will challenge myself to write and photograph and create and live in ways that are good and pleasing to my soul.

Thanks for joining me...and for all of your loving encouragement.

I am blessed.

the magic curtain

I think it would be safe to say that in most matters of living, I am an all or nothing kind of gal. I do find myself walking middle of the road on several streets in life...but if something calls out to my heart...I jump in without hesitation and I usually require that ALL of me comes along for the ride. If/when I feel passionately about something, I become passionate about it and I kind of lose the big picture. Urgency is alive and I usually carry myself to learn more or do more or live more of whatever it is that has become embedded in my life story at the moment. I tend to want to get things moving in the direction of my callings...in a leaping sort of way...sometimes steps don't seem sufficient. Granted, I know how to straddle the fence and be uncertain about a LOT in this world...but when I do reach certainty...I want to go with it, even if it means changing my mind further down the road. I am human after all and am constantly learning and evolving my perspective, yes?

So...there is this situation in our home. The TV. I don't hate it. I don't love it. But, I DO have some opinions about how it effects our lives...and admittedly, sometimes I do hate it. I have been known to sponsor my own TV Turnoff Weeks out of the blue because I feel like it is what our brains need. If it were entirely up to me...I wouldn't have one. I didn't grow up with a TV. We had one in our home, but the only time I ever remember watching it as a young child was twice. Once to watch a rented "Thriller" and the other time "Grease". The VCR was rented too. In Junior High, it became a known fact that we could pick up a couple of channels without cable or bunny ears. So then, I got to watch some Full House and Family Matters and other "quality" shows like that. ;)

When I moved to college, it was the first time ever that I lived in a house with cable...and even then I was too busy to watch much. When I moved to Oregon for a semester, I didn't even have a TV in my apartment and I think that was a very good thing for me. I kind of felt like I lived in a cave, but that was sort of what I needed at the time.

Sometimes I dream of breaking the glass in our TV and using the rest of it to frame some art or to pot some flowers or something funky like that. Although I set fairly strong boundaries and limit the variety to that of PBS(which is one reason why I love the fact that we don't have cable)...I still feel like it is too easy for me to let limits come and go with one more show slipping by...and for us, that just isn't what feels "right". It kind of sucks out the potential for good times. I don't really like having it in our "living" space either...and since our home is one of the "wee" variety...that is kind of hard to avoid. So...there it sits...and stares at us and beckons certain sensory hungry individuals to want want WANT it. And, more often than I would like...it gets turned on just because it is there. So...I came up with a solution. Since I am not the only one living here...and since some of us don't like the idea of putting it away in the garage...I decided to create a compromise and cover it up. I sewed up a little curtain for our TV last night and am putting all my faith in believing that it will help me with the temptation of relying on it for some (much longed for) mellow time during the day (which, of course, ultimately just causes more stimulation in our world). And, I am really hoping that the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" holds true for this particular situation...because how much nicer would it be to not even have to worry about setting limits because no one ever even ASKS to watch it?

We'll see if this curtain can work it's magic.

Circle Round

"Surround yourself with people who respect and treat you well."

-Claudia Black

I have this quote attached to my refrigerator. I read it every day...and think on it...and am doing my best to bring the lesson of it into my life. I've been thinking about the people who allow me the space to be me...ALL of me. I tend to crave quite a bit of independence. I don't always feel comfortable with people being too close. After I expose myself a bit...I always feel a period of dis-ease. Should I have revealed myself that way? I like my space. That is why I sometimes find it quite humorous that I blog. I certainly don't lay it all on the line here...but there are occasions where I put my heart out...where I say things that I normally keep inside or where I just let go of thoughts and ideas and longings and beliefs that swirl around and take up room in my head and heart. Once I let go of them here...they are out there...but not in a way that usually leaves me uncomfortable. I might experience some vulnerability...but it doesn't last long...I can talk myself into just letting it be.

And when all of that is met with the kind of support...the kind of respect and goodness that comes from comments and e-mails and conversations in and about this space...that always takes me beyond the realm of just letting it be into the realm of really honoring and appreciating what this type of sharing can do for people.

That isn't to say it is to replace one-on-one interaction with the world. Although, it does open up avenues to communicate with people I may have never "met" in real life (yet anyway!)...it certainly also speaks to me of what I am wanting and loving about the relationships that exist in my physical sphere. There are several people in my life who allow me to be ME. They appreciate the journey...the searching...the experimentation...the honesty...the bare-bone craziness of life. There are people that I open myself up to in different ways...in ways that don't always feel "easy"...but where I am met with acceptance, with kindness, with empathy and understanding.

I'm really wanting to cultivate more of this in my heart...this being OPEN...this letting people in. Of course...I still want to protect myself in some ways. I know it is important to seek the kind of people who are open to my energy as well...because I DO know how it feels for an open heart to be dismissed...so this is where the learning takes place for me. In discernment of those who are open to me...and then, in turn, being more open to them. These beautiful souls who travel this earth and somehow, so perfectly, form tribes with me...through thought or form or heart or spirit...helping me breathe in the comfort of knowing that this is good. All is well in my world.

It is true...there are beautiful, affirming hearts forming circles around me at every moment.

"thank you" to my tribes.

exhale

I have surely posted more of these "just showing up" kind of posts more than I would have liked this month. I haven't quite made nablopomo into the writing challenge that I initially wanted to create it to be. There have been several days where I have just clicked "publish post" in the nick of time or where I haven't had enough energy to develop something more flavorful than a simple thought or recap. Oh my...today is another one of those days! We have these sometimes. These days where heads bump and strong wills tug at each other for space. I guess that is expected when you live under the same roof and hang out with one another day in and day out. I think it also has something to do with one mama and two babes being quite tired and "off". I always try to keep this in mind...the post-holiday-fun days where everyone seems to be scrounging to find a sequenced rhythm again. It feels like we can't hear the beat we normally live to...and each person is trying passionately to recover their drummer. Today was one of those days where I realize more and more the importance of honoring that need for rhythm in the lives of these children...and how sometimes it is good to say no thanks. Too much is...well...too much. I have a good perspective today. A stretched thin, worn out, tired perspective...but it is clear, and it is good. And it is always so nice when playing make believe turns the entire day up and shining. Like when your toddler refuses to listen to any words coming out of your mouth. Things like, "will you please eat your dinner?" or "please don't put the dog in the recycle bin"...but will do whatever you ask of him when he pretends to be a dog named Bubba. Make believe really is magic. I am off to continue that kind of magic with my feet propped up, a mug of hot chai cupped between my hands, some deep, mindful breaths, "Miss Potter" in my DVD player, and, perhaps if I'm lucky...an empathetic husband rubbing my feet.

the ABC's of me

journey girl discovering the abc's

i've seen this little idea floating around out there and thought it would be kind of fun to try. it is always a bit difficult...writing specifics about myself. well...the actual narrowing down part is the hardest, the writing isn't so bad. i am constantly amazed, though, at what good this does for me...working through thoughts and trying to assign words to who i am and what i am about. we'll see how it goes...

A-ambitions. I share some of them...I have so many more

B-bohemian beauty makes me swoon...i dig the boho magic

C-contradiction. i am a walking one at times...an ecclectic creature i am

D-disorganized. or assembled in a spastic sort of way

E-emotional. reality is not confined to the five senses

F-fire. i'm a fire sign and i follow my flames

G-gypsy. a gypsy soul...gallivanting the globe is my forever dream

H-heart. without heart there isn't much

I-intuition. learning to trust it and hear it in ways that i have been fearful of

J-juggler. constant departures and arrivals...something always lost mid air

K-kindred. i seek them, i love them, i long for them

L-love.love.love. learning to love with wild abandon

M-mindful mama...my most immediate challenge

N-ature. native wisdom always inspires me to create greater harmony.

O-open. a beautiful, round concept. no beginning or end. open heart, open mind.

P-peace. let it be everywhere.

Q-questions. i have a lot. i ask a good amount. i will keep forming more.

R-rare. a word i love, enchanting me with meaning. a rare experience/soul/occasion...all so inviting.

S-sensitive. to energy, experience, inner voice. sends me seeking for spirit.

T-touch. it is important. nonviolent touch is paramount to our world.

U-undecided. there is so much more to know.

V- V-day. until the violence stops.

W-wholeness. growing towards full, fabulous, freedom.

eXplore. body, mind, spirit, world.

Y-yin/yang. there is balance...saying yes to acceptance.

Z-zen. intrigued by. learning to look within.

whew! ok...if you want to play...leave me behind your most beloved letter and some kind of meaning that connects it to you! i really love reading little bits of things that tell me more about YOU. oh yes, i really do!

*sigh*

rest

It has been a pretty busy few days in our world. Nap times have been ignored, element all askew. We have been having a lot of out-of-the-house kind of fun (some of the best kind) and now we must deal with the repercussions of what that means for a three year old and one year old. And really, it only seems that life will slow down in spurts and phases, until our pace is peaked again with "to-do's" and events and all of that holiday energy that seems to come buzzing around this time of year. Buzz.

I have been sleepily visiting this space here for the past three or four nights...with barely enough time to scrounge up a picture or a few (very few) words in order to meet my commitment to posting daily this month. I actually fell asleep while I posted those pictures last night...and woke up just in time to post before midnight. That wasn't what I had in mind when I committed to nablopomo...I thought I might dig in and go deep and maybe I would have made a lot of different things to share in this space...but that hasn't been the case. My head has been full of different posts that come in and leave just as quickly...and some that stay but that I just don't have the openness to share. My heart has been thinking about that matter too...do I share too much? Am I comfortable with people reading bits and pieces of "me" that I usually don't let wander too far from my own protection and evaluation? My head is spinning with things that I wish I could get done for this season...and with ideas about crafts and ideas about gifts and overwhelm in the world of what to do and what to let go of...what I am capable of influencing and that which I am not. I'm trying to create simplicity and in my mind that "should" be simple... but so much from the outside sends me buzzing into complexity and clutter. Buzz.

Ahhh...thankfully I have a few of the simple things in my life that bring a bit of rest into my world.

The kind of family that fills me with laughter and makes my world a bit lighter.

Cool mornings and evenings that are FINALLY here...the ones that make my home feel so cozy and warm.

The two slices of pumpkin pie in my fridge. mmmmmmm.....

I hear one calling my name.

Rest easy dear friends.

a guaranteed good time

thank you, my sisters...for the "just right" kind of night.

game day

this is what i have been doing for a good portion of the day. playing games and being with people that make me happy. ok...so maybe this wasn't more interesting than last night's post....but i am having a whole heap of fun...and that is so much more wonderful than eating pie...really.

have a wonderful night.

nothing but pie

the only energy i have left from today is being used to DEVOUR the slice of pumpkin pie i just dished out for myself.

it was a delicious day...and the deliciousness is continuing on into the wee hours of the night with this piece of pie.

mmmm....yum.

to all a good night.

i'll be back here tomorrow with something far more interesting to read.

promise.

all the sweet things

right now my home is being filled with the smell of ginger, cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon and sugar happily blending and baking in what i hope to be the best tasting pumpkin cheesecake pie...ever. today we went to pick up my sister and her boyfriend from the airport. while we were waiting for their arrival and watching people welcome their loved ones, asher voiced an especially sweet observation. "they sure like to kiss in here!" i am thankful for pumpkin cheesecake and for the fact that i have so many wonderful people to kiss. if you are celebrating thanksgiving tomorrow...may it be a warm and cozy one!