bits of beauty

trees caught mid-dance Heavy with the day...the babes and I decided to head out on a "relaxation ride" after lunch, in hopes of catching some beauty around us. I like what that motive does for me. Looking for beauty makes everything a bit more beautiful. We ended up taking a jaunt out to lower salt river and came across a little picnic area near the water. By this time the babes were sound asleep...so I couldn't resist turning it into an opportunity to read my daily comfort from Simple Abundance...a book that my treasured friend Karyn gave to me for mother's day this year, while I sat and watched the beauty (and took a few pictures). I loved that the entry was about approaching things, such as making dinner, with great creative intent to help discover more authenticity in my life. mmmmm...you can bet I put that lesson to use while I made dinner this evening. I loved holding that in my heart while creating a meal. There was something very mindful about it...and fun. I think that kind of truth can be used in any aspect of life...with whatever one may be doing. Today it was the kind of truth that helped turn an ordinary drive into something quite spectacular, really.

a window to earth.air.water

bear with me

a girl and her mama

I got a glorious massage about 5 hours ago (thank you dear Abby...do you read this?)...just being in the office made me want to start practicing again...anyone need a massage? Anyway...if I am talking in circles, just go with it. It will be over quickly (ya right, huh!).

Change is good. I made a few changes on the blog. Brightened things up a bit. It seems to be just what I need. I only wish I had the computer comprehension to download a more original backdrop...or better yet...create my own! Wouldn't that be ideal. Anyone out there willing to teach me? I love that I don't know who all drops in here. Several times over the last few months I have received random e-mails from people I know, who I didn't realize visited us here, just encouraging me and lifting me up with kindness. I've had face to face conversations or phone conversations with others who also mention this place and what they think of it. Or, I am surprised by a comment or two from people that leave a little trace of their visit in the comment section. I love it all...and it makes me so happy to think that a tiny little community takes place here. I started this whole blogging biz with little intention. I knew of a few (two to be exact) other people who used blogs as places to share pictures and stories with family and friends. So...that is how I started it and just intended to post pictures every once in a while with a blurb here and there about the chilis. It hasn't morphed into anything grand or beyond that on the screen by any means...but it HAS done a whole lot more for me "behind" the screen, if you will. After stumbling upon a few mommy blogs that linked to other blogs...I discovered these really wonderful, creative and SUPPORTIVE communities of bloggers. You can see what blogging has done for a LOT of people out there just by reading their posts and viewing their transformations. I think that is really awesome! I got inspired and am still inspired to use this space as a creative outlet...a place to write and dream and share bits of myself with others. A place to record moments in time with my babes. A place to just...be. A source of creative energy. I look forward to coming here when I can. I look forward to sharing myself here, and, although it isn't ALL of me...just a few bits and pieces that I FEEL like sharing in this space...it feels great to be here and I LOVE the possibilities it brings. I like the fact that I don't know how long I will be blogging here or what this space will "become"...but I know that it will evolve and change, just as I do, for as long as it exists. I like knowing that some family and friends that don't see us often get a peek into a few of our days. I like the surprise visitors that come here and the times that conversations are engaged in and those that I don't even know who visit now and again. I am happy for all of it.

Through my own cha-change...my own transformation...I have been thinking about some of that stuff. About my voice, about being heard, about friendships and communities of people and what it means to nurture who I am. For some reason, this place has been coming to mind as a kind of "meditation room" for me. Sometimes I just come here to write...and sort through something...or I come to "record" moments in time for me and my loves. In any regard...I kind of reach a point of goodness while being here. I have been noticing that when I can create something, I feel more whole. It is like having those relationships in life where the energy exchange is equal...where you walk away from a conversation feeling more FULL and alive than before. I want to foster more of that. Not only in choosing to nurture the relationships in my life that bring me that kind of love...but also through creating. It is all a part of aligning my energy and values with what is good and positive in this world.

All of this means a few things to me. Turning my energy towards the positive. Lending my strengths to the things that set me free and make me whole. At this point in my life it has something to do with using my creative capacity. It means FINDING beauty in this environment I am living in and taking pictures so that I can remember that it is beautiful. It means trying to create something on a daily basis. It means quieting myself more and giving myself the permission to be nurtured by loving people. It means being the best I can be...and opening myself up to growth. It also means that I want to come here more often. I am resisting writing that because I know that it would require some discipline and organization on my part. Two things that don't come "easy" for me. The thing is...I think it would be good for me...and if I state it here...I am held a little bit more accountable than if I just kept it to myself because I know that a few people are "hearing" me.

So...a few thoughts that needed to be purged... nurturing the yummy friendships in my life...putting greater intention into "creating" (this can mean oh so many things!)...being more consistent with my visits here...yada yada yada. Massage always does this to me. It gets things moving...and these "things" just happened to want out right here....in this space.

If you are having the urge...feel free to purge in the comments below.

Or better yet...start a blog...it's good for the soul!

Going mobile...and other bits of randomness

Journey is crawling! Yikes. I was hoping she would put it off for as long as possible...but it looks like we are venturing into a new stage in our lives. I say "lives" because not only is it an AMAZING new thing for her...but it also changes things for me...and Asher. She can now easily gravitate toward the toys that he just moved out of her reach, and this my friends, is incredibly disturbing for him. My life is changed forever as well. Because she is now able to move to anything she wants to...and what does she want, you ask?? Well, it seems that every small piece of "something" that is lying on the ground is a treasure that pulls her in and causes her to place in her mouth where she then, more likely than not, chokes on it. A splintered piece of wood...in the mouth. An old band aid...in the mouth (I'm not joking). A handful of faux horse tail...in the mouth. Any piece of leftover granola or crumb of anything really that has made it's way to the floor...why yes, in the mouth. You can see the problem here. The poor little one has no idea how to swallow these things when she tries and we end up in a situation that is really quite stressful for me and I am sure less than ideal for her as well. This has whipped me into mama bear mode and my life hasn't been the same. No really...I am happy for her. And this gives me one more reason to kick myself in the pants and vacuum the floor more often than usual (as if there really needed to be ONE more reason). And although I am extremely confident in the fact that she knows HOW to crawl to wherever she would like to go...no matter how shaky or stumbly she may be...she still mostly prefers to sit and pivot and stare at her hand in wonder while she twists her wrist in the air (it really is amazing if you think about it). She also knows that it is more efficient to sit in place and yell for someone to come get her rather than crawling over to them. But...don't let her fool you...she is crawling...I am protecting and Asher is desperately trying to "teach" her what is ok to play with and what is not. Oh my. She's gone mobile. And I have...done the opposite, actually. Somehow I managed to toss my cell phone into my cup of iced tea on fourth of July while I was driving. The kicker is that I didn't just toss it in and then pull it out after noticing. I tossed it in...let it marinate in there because of the LACK of noticing and then pulled it out in horror after, oh, I'd say a good thirty minutes or so. So if you were thinking of trying me on my cell phone...don't bother. I don't think I was meant to have a cell phone. I am really no good at them anyway. Either that, or I need to stop drinking iced tea...which in 115 degree weather...is not going to be happening anytime soon. Which brings me to my next bit of randomness. I think I drink way too much iced tea. Southern sweet iced tea to be exact. I can't get enough of this goodness. But I am afraid that it has not only been the reason for my life with a cell phone to be cut much too short ( I just got that cell phone for my birthday...with a LOCAL number, nonetheless!)...but I am quietly contemplating if it might also be the reason Journey is just saying NO...to sleep. I will remind you...I am quietly contemplating this...as in I am not saying anything out loud...because I don't think I would be ready to admit this and give up my sweet iced tea. Does anyone know how much caffeine is in this stuff? I guess I could do a trial and error. You know, give up the tea and see if she sleeps better? Oh...that sounds so painful. But it might give her (and me) a few more hours of shut eye...and THAT right there....that just might be worth it...maybe.

happy day

Auntie "MiMi" and Asher boy (2 months old)

I can remember being a little girl and always getting so excited when you would ask me if i wanted to go somewhere with you. It didn't matter where we were going...I just remember feeling so special that I got to hang out with you for a little while...alone. If we would go to the grocery store I always pretended that you were my mom and I always wanted people to think that you were my mom (as if they even thought about it or cared!)...but I totally remember thinking about how COOL that would be. The dynamics of our relationship as the oldest and the youngest created something within my life that has always been very special to me. When I was younger, your life was always somewhat mysterious to me. You went through things that I had no clue of understanding at such a young age...but I always knew that you were my big sister and that I loved you and that you were all kinds of "cool" in this world. I remember getting a bit jealous if your attention went to anyone else at family gatherings and Oregon beach trips. You were MY big sister...not theirs! I hold close those moments when you would share yourself with me. When you whispered my christmas gift to me and I whispered yours to you one christmas eve slumber party in the basement. I hold close the memories of you doing my hair for family pictures because, God help me, I had no idea how to do anything of the sort! I remember being in the mall with you in Farmington and us visiting one of your friends at the Peanut shack and you telling me the secret crushes you had. I felt so important for you sharing that all with me. I held a special position as the "approver" of the boys that came around...and just because I was the youngest...I got to get a closer look at what you and your friends would do than my other sisters did, I think. I thought that was all pretty wonderful.

As the years have passed, you have become so much more to me than my "older" sister. You have become a very dear friend...a confidante...a person who deeply and consistently cares about my well being...a fellow dreamer. I love the relationship that we all share and I love the fact that I have four really incredible best friends in my life...my sisters.

I know that I can ALWAYS turn to you for support, encouragement, advice...or just for a place to be heard. That is so very important to me and I am so thankful for that safety with you. Thank you for being the amazing woman that you are and for giving me so many precious memories.

Today, my hope for you is that you can catch a glimpse (however fleeting it may be) of what the significance of your life is in this world. I hope that your heart can wrap itself around the fabulousness of YOU. I hope that your spirit opens up to that self-love and that you are able to experience the freedom that comes from accepting the beautiful creature that you are.

Happy Birthday Jamie!

With a great amount of love and thankfulness,

Sassafrass

yeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!

Move over padnah! There's some new sheriffs in town! Oh...and check this out. Journey's face while looking at me in the get-up.

"Who ARE you, exactly???"

i'm a dreamer

My dream car. A Volkswagen "bus". I don't know how long I have wanted one of these things. I think it started in junior high when I had a good friend who got one to fix up. I think he only had it for a few years and then decided to get a Toyota truck! But...oh how fun it was when he did have it around. I fell in love. I have been telling Josh that we WILL have one of these within the next few years...I just gotta. My vision is to have a family painting party and go to town on the thing. Hopefully it will run...but if not I think it would make a really great camp out for the kids when they have friends come over for sleepovers. I know I would have loved one.

This specific one I took a picture of up in Oregon in one of my favorite little beach towns. It was always parked by the Herb store and I loved seeing it on our trips to the coast with family. I think I took these pictures (sorry for the image...I scanned these and didn't know how to enlarge them...hmmmm) in High School...but I remember it still being there when I moved up to Oregon in college and would take bi-weekly trips to this little town. I got to live vicariously through my sightings! Isn't it fun? I know that the van we have now is no VW Bus...but I like to think that even purchasing an "older" van makes us one step closer to my dream. And this here is my dream dog. Can you see what it is? A Siberian Husky. This picture was taken in another little beach town up in Oregon. I wonder why all my dreams appear in that state?! Perhaps because it is my dream dwelling place? Anyway...I love these dogs. Something about their demeanor...and their markings! Oh my...they are beautiful creatures. I would want mine to be named "Stormy"...and I think she would love being our dog. And this? This here is what I am dreaming of doing right now. On our way to lunch at Wildflower this afternoon, I asked Josh if he wanted to head on over to the west coast...you know, just to dip our toes in the Pacific, grab a bite to eat, catch the sunset and then be on our way back home. He wasn't in the mood. So...we decided to go to my folks house and dip our toes (well more than that actually) in their pool. Doing lots of dreaming over here. What about you?

the funky bunch.

A good word to describe us as of late...funky. I can't exactly pin down where the "funk" has come from...but there is no doubt it is here. Today, while Asher was having a terrible time at the whole sharing mama thing, I inquired as to if he was feeling "funky".

"mmmmmm, hmmmmm.", he replied.

"Ya, mama feels a little funky too."

And so it is.

It appears that both of my chilis are feeling a bit....um...insecure and are both needing a heavy dose of mama love, which really does delight me in some ways and helps me to feel like the "work" I am doing is somehow helping these little beings find security in this sometimes scary world. But, alas, there is only one of me and two of them...and so sometimes the reality of it all is a tad bit...overwhelming.

After spending an evening at the bookstore a couple nights back...I realize how much moments of solitude, where all I have to be is Jessamyn, are really NEEDED in my life. They help bring me back to who I am...apart from my identity that is all wrapped up in motherhood. That is something really important to me...and something that is usually one of the FIRST things to go out of the window when push comes to shove. Why is that? Hmmmm...something I would like to change. Just another thing to add on my ever increasing list of "things to change". It is funny how you discover more and more about HOW you want to parent and the decisions you want to make once you have already started the whole parenting thing. There are a few things that I look back on with Asher in his infant years that I might have done a little differently with him. But I guess that is why the term "live and learn" is so frequently spoken. And, I feel very, very thankful that I am still in the YOUNGER years of his life...and Journey's. They are both so adaptable to change (well...one a bit more than the other) but you know what I mean. A few of the things I have been thinking about with that? Well heck, I might as well share. One of them being the whole idea of how to guide, engage and influence Asher at this stage in his life. To me, there seems like such a fine line between being responsible for and being an authority to. I always want there to be a respectful relationship between me and my children. I try to parent as mindfully as I can and when I find myself following this parenting style...it feels so good...but it is very hard to stay on that path. Only because it requires a lot of mindfulness and a TON of being present and in this world, those are both things that are hard to maintain. But yet it is what "feels" right to me...and so I know it is how I should be parenting. One aspect of what I am in a funk about is the whole disciplining thing. I know that children need our guidance and vice versa...and that we need to set boundaries. How to deliver them is the thing that tugs at my heart strings. I don't like that we rely so heavily right now on the whole...if you do this, than you won't get that. It seems to be a surefire way to avoid some kind of tantrum or misbehavior or whatever...you know, to make our life more convenient. The only problem is, I don't know if I agree with what that teaches. Sure...there are consequences to all of our actions and that is a very valuable lesson to learn. But, I am not always confident that the consequence of this equation always match up or have any relevance to the situation at hand. Is it teaching him to do something nice out of the kindness of his heart...to help build up a certain character quality? Or, is it just teaching him NOT to do something because he then wouldn't get what he wants...not because of anything going on inside of him. I just get lost in that. I am less concerned with him being a well behaved person than I am with him having a soft heart towards people....but perhaps the two are interrelated. Oh! So much of this runs through my mind all the time. Daily meditations need to be brought back into my life.

Another thing that is bringing out the funkity funk in this home? Plastic. There are so many plastic toys around here and it is driving me bonkers. I don't know how to hand sew children's toys, but I wish that I did...and I wish that I would have given Asher hand sewn toys from the very beginning. And, I wish that I was crafty with wood so that I could make wooden furniture and play things for the kids...but I have my dad for that (right, dad?)! In all honesty, I most likely have less plastic stuff than the average American home....but that is not minimalist enough for me...I just have to get rid of some of it...GOODWILL, here we come.

Are you tired of me complaining yet? I am. But one more thing I need to get off my chest before I lay down with my family to sleep...and that is...THIS HEAT!! For those of you who live here and have children (or not)...what are you doing to keep yourself happy in this heat?! I am climbing the walls and so is Asher. Isn't summer when you are supposed to be outside, playing in the SUN? It is just too darn hot to be anywhere other than inside unless the activity is centered around water. Which is great and all...but the heat really wears you out after a while of that too. What are you doing to have fun, while staying cool? I am feeling so bummed that the most exciting treat I can think of for Asher is going to the mall play thingy(ugh), or to the movies...not something I like to expose him to as often as I have in the past month or so. Any ideas? Please share!

Speaking of which...we went to see Ratatouille this evening. Overall it was a cute film...with a few unexpected gun scenes in it (who would have thought?)...while I was sitting there with a bit of anxiety over the feelings that come with me doing things that aren't on my "ideal" list (ie...taking my 3 year old to a movie among other things)...there came this line in the movie where two characters are talking about their place in this life and what their "role" is. The script went something like this...

"you can't change nature"

"nature IS change...at least the part we can influence. It is our decision"

For many reasons that line stuck out to me...and on many different levels. I am a person who likes change...change that moves us forward...whether that be on an individual, familial, communal or global level (cause one is a part of the other no matter which way it runs)...and I also like to discover ways in which to make the life I am living a little bit...well...MORE. There is a quote that stays in my heart every day...not in words but in meaning. It conveys something about the fact that if we only pass this way...in this lifetime...but once...why not make it for good? Why not leave a positive imprint in this world...on people's hearts and minds...in children's lives...on mother earth? There is always room to change things that need a little improvement, right?

The universe seems to be revealing ever so gently some of those "things" lately. Tonight, I walked around the kitchen humming to Journey as she was drifting off to sleep...which in itself was a change that so humorously unfolded...let me just tell you. Last week I was bouncing Jo to sleep on the exercise ball that we have. For my family members...you know what a huge addiction that became for Asher when he was an infant? It wasn't like that with Journey...it was just the fastest and most convenient way to get her to sleep at night, but she was very flexible with any method really. Anyway...as I was bouncing her...the ball BUSTED. I mean, it just busted in half. We were both so shocked. How crazy is that? So, instead of taking it as some kind of offense to myself(ahem)...I decided to interpret it as some need for change. Instead of quickly and quietly getting Journey to doze through some kind of hypnotic "bouncing"...why not just BE with her. Walk with her. Sing to her more. Let her head rest on my chest so she can hear my beating heart. Let her hands trace lightly on my breast as she winds herself down. Let her soak in that love at nighttime and let myself do that same.

And so that was the message I took...and it has been very sweet, those moments with her...that will pass all too quickly in the grand scheme of things. Tonight proved to be a magical moment as well. In the midst of all the funk that comes along with this life...there are those blessed minutes where all the goodness of life is gathered up and poured on top of me. The full moon shining in through my kitchen window provided perfect lighting for me to witness the beauty of change, through my exchange with Journey.

And that kind of change, I am convinced, is worth all the funk in the world.

growing pains

You know that line from the song by Jewel where she says "your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive."? That line has been playing over and over in my head the past few days. I am not sure why exactly. It may have something to do with my own thought processes...but it might also have a great deal to do with the fact that everyone around here is pretty restless. In fact...I have been attempting to write this post for the past 10 minutes and have been interrupted no less than SIX times by a toddler coming into our bedroom with nothing to say. Just a need to be put back into bed and kissed goodnight....again. It was a long, busy weekend. Full of wonderful moments...but FULL nonetheless...and sometimes that does strange things to us. It always seems like we come out of those times of fullness with a lot of processing to do, a need to slow our pace and a few unexpected growths to embrace and give space to. It seems like Asher has just grown into a full blown CHILD since his birthday. He is no longer a toddler...he is growing into his own and becoming so much MORE. His personality explodes through his words and actions everyday, and I am really growing more and more in love with the person that he is. If only I could figure out from whom he learned that the word NO actually has two syllables. The most frequent and favorite thing uttered from his mouth the past four days has been this: "NO-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa" For the love of all things holy. It took all but two seconds for that one to become irritating. Where did he get that? I wish that I knew so that I could quietly interject it whenever possible in a conversation with them. Hopefully it is short lived. There have been so many other new phrases and expressions being introduced into our conversations and for the most part, they are really quite charming, actually. I especially love how he shows concern for Journey when she begins to cry. "Wha manner, baby?" (what's the matter baby?)...or when he asserts himself towards something that is obviously driving him nuts. "POP IP!!! Don wan it....MORE!" (stop it! I don't want it anymore!). Or if I am beginning to do something that he disapproves of he is quick to tell me...."wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wait, mama!". I also am enjoying how he uses the word "weally" (really). It pretty much means a LOT of something...numerous or plentiful amount of. As in..."da weally bug n'here"...(there's lots of bugs in here!). He is also starting to answer my questions with a "mmmmm hmmmmm" while nodding his head, and saying "wha boonin, mama" when he enters the room with curiosity as to what I am doing. He is always saying "tay choo" or "take" (thank you or thanks) and has recently started attaching affection to things that he really likes. We were in the grocery store, passed a box of honey nut cheerios and he exclaimed "I yuv honeybee!". He likes to flip through one of the bug books he received for his birthday, and point out the fact that he YUVS each and every bug on the page. I yuv wady bug (lady bug)! I yuv fa fy(fire fly)! I yuv bipper(caterpillar)! I yuv witick(cricket)! I yuv at(ant)! Things like that just fill me up. I think he is aware of his growth and development...and since there was such importance placed on him being a BIG boy this weekend...perhaps he is feeling a bit anxious about it all. That is the only thing that explains him crawling into our bed the past three nights...so sneakily. He doesn't do it sleepily either...it seems like he is wide awake, with a lot on his mind. I have to admit, though, that I love waking up to this little guy. He knows how to greet the morning and the people in his world like no one else I know. It is all as uplifting as the rising sun. Journey hasn't gone without growth the past four days herself. I do believe she is cutting some more teeth and kept herself awake last night with a terribly frustrating runny nose that interfered with nursing. She is MINUTES away from crawling and I think it all is just making her restless. I am so used to her being such a calm and relaxed child, that the nervous energy and anxiety the past few days has really been something different to adapt to. Her nerves are on edge and she is resisting sleep with every ounce of her being. As I write this, I can hear her little body tossing and turning about in the cradle. What work it is to accept the challenges of learning new things! As for me, I have been exhausted. Somehow the combination of the busy weekend, plus eating much more meat than I am accustomed to, coupled with the insane amount of sleep I have been getting (note the heavy dose of sarcasm there)...makes for the desire to have uneventful days that are, in all reality,NEVER uneventful. I feel like the day is a success if I finish it feeling somewhat sane. I am just trying to survive. I did manage to build up the energy to make a sweet little escape this evening. Josh came home and I headed out the door to a bookstore. I had forgotten what a delicious treat that is for me. I could spend days in a bookstore (as long as they have a coffee bar)...reading and browsing and discovering new treasures. I picked up a book that has been appearing to me a whole lot the past few months. It is called The Artist's Way...and I am SERIOUSLY excited about reading it. Yum. So...I plan on that bringing me a bit of inspiration and just enough good ju ju to get me through this feeling of "just surviving" and bringing me loads of the good stuff I need to help ease some of these growing pains. Perhaps then my standard of living won't be STUCK on anything at all, but rather moving with the rhythm and the pace of change. Around here, it appears to be inevitable.

a good day, indeed

"Asher...did you have a good time at your bug party?"

"YA! Bug potty...fun!" "Oh good."

It looks like being three is pretty great.

wanna be a cowboy???

Like Father... Like Son!