awakening.

It has been a while, yes? I have been rather busy lately. With life. With photo sessions and editing. With kids and homeschooling. I haven't felt very present. It feels much more like I am on a bit of a swift ride, just barely managing to remember all the bits and pieces of what it takes to journey from here to there. I am stopping in these spaces that are full of questions. With photography, it goes something like this. "Is this for real?" "Do you think you are good enough to be getting paid for this, really?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your pictures and sessions?" With my children and homeschooling, it goes something like this. "Are you SURE you are cut out for this?" "Do you really think that you are smart, patient, kind enough to be their mother?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your children and teaching them?" In life coaching, we call those nagging, negative, self defeating questions, those voices... "the gremlins". These voices don't do much in serving growth. Unless of course you account for the courage and mindful discipline it takes to keep on doing what you believe in even when the gremlins are loud and obnoxious. I think it is just all a part of that endless journey of fully occupying my own. It is all a part of finding, hearing and using my own voice. Trusting, truly trusting that inner guidance and permission to be exactly who I am. Sometimes, that inner knowing might lead us on paths that look a bit different to others. We might not get that external validation that we, as human kind, often seek and yearn for. And better yet, we might never get to THAT place that we have in our minds of where we "ought" to be. For a while now, I feel as if I have been waking up to the realizations that these are untruths. These questions that infer that there is one right way to do things or one perfect example of what to BE. That the end result is perfection and completion. I am beginning to understand deeply about what it means to really JOURNEY through life and to be comfortable with the imperfections...to, in fact, embrace them. The imperfections become less of something to "overcome" and more of something to travel through. They are our teachers on a path of full existence. I guess what I am better understanding is that the gentleness is key. Honoring my inner wisdom is my compass. Taking all the small steps is how I will move. All of it this coming to mind and is compounded when I think of transforming my hair into dreads. I've decided to get them done professionally and my appointment is set! I think I am in preparation mode for the change. It is funny because, like I was telling a dear friend of mine, on one hand this change is so very fun and light. True to myself, I am a girl who loves change. I like to try new things. I am fairly comfortable with being outside the box. I crave experiences that are a bit different than what I am used to. I am drawn to creativity and expression. So, in many ways, this is just another way in which I can explore. I think it is fun and creative. It is something I have never experienced. It is also just one of those "things" that is on my life list. We all want to cross stuff of the life list, right? On the other hand, it is symbolic. I think it is a bit of an expression of a deeper transformation and unleashing, perhaps a small part of a greater journey in unveiling my own voice. Regardless of what hand I look at though, some people in my life do not understand this desire of mine. They might have some difficulty in accepting it. They might judge it, dislike it, even go to the extent of being hurtful about it. And that is ok. It is just hair. It isn't a permanent state of existence. It is an expedition, just like any other adventure. Like any journey, there will most likely be some bumps along the way and, in all honesty, I don't know what to expect! So with this, as with many things in my life lately, I take an attitude of genuine curiosity and say... "we'll just see how it goes!". I did see this collage on a blog several months back and now I can't remember where I got it from. At the time, I saved it to my computer and I have been looking over it the past couple of weeks. I think she gathered different images from the web and put some of her favorites together. I am loving the dreads of the girl with the Nikon in the upper right. Yum! ;)

I also have been reading this small excerpt from a poem featured in a book I am reading. "oh woman remember who you are woman woman it is the whole earth" ~Joy Harjo

on meeting inspiration*

I have been meeting some old wounds in the past week. I have been listening to their truth and seeing their pain. I have also been met with some soft, magical comfort. I am held. I am loved. I am heard. This is inspiration to me right now. This truth that, no matter what I may be coming up against, there is space held for me to process through it.

For the past several weeks inspiration has taken the form of various little gifts. A date with a treasured girlfriend to go see Julie and Julia. A surprise gift (consisting of last month's Artful Blogging magazine along with some fresh baked, homemade bread) on my doorstep from said friend after watching the film. A sweet bloggy date with the beautiful and talented Georgia with whom I have already dreamed up many a dates to create and play.

sweet Georgia on our lunch date

The gentleness of nature when you meet her for a visit. The sweet sound of someone telling you that they feel a soul connection with you...and you feeling the exact same way. An invitation from someone you deeply care for and admire, extending warmth and dreams...soul and truth. The motivation to keep on creating what you want, even when things aren't "just right". Writing anyway. And the realization that "failure is part of the process" (an excerpt from the book "Be the Hero"). Inspiration is necessary. It is quiet whispers of confirmation. You are on the path, you are seeking, living, searching for kindness. You are coming into the truth of knowing it for yourself in a way so deep and powerful, your life will only grow from here.

coming together.

in so many incredible ways, it feels like we are reaching a very tasty place in this home. my children are really growing and stretching their worlds. asher is venturing into this new developmental stage of being so hungry for knowledge and experience. he is constantly asking me to read his dinosaur books to him over and over again, telling me with each turn of the page how he wants to go back in time and get every single one of the dinosaurs on the page. he aches to KNOW, to experience, to be fully submerged in his passion. it is quite contagious to see that fire and i want to do everything i can to help fan the flames. with this child, it could turn into an all out BLAZE, i do believe. they are also entering a very tender point in their relationship that i have not yet witnessed. there seem to be more moments of peace in their interaction, where they are reaching to one another for understanding and support. they are discovering that they have a true friend in the other. the quarrelling hasn't stopped, of course. the competitive spirits they exhibit at times still leave me flustered and confused...but there are these moments. the very true and soft moments of it all coming together. i try to rest in each one as it appears, but they are usually too quickly gone. even in their passing, there is peace left in the quake of togetherness. and i think that is summing up the shifts happening within myself. i feel as though i am taking the necessary steps of bringing it all together~ my perspective is being shaped by the deliberate actions of aligning my world with the things that are important, right now. i am learning to embrace the fact that in order to be who i know i am~ i must create the time in which to allow her to live. this means that i flexibly sew threads of my essence into the tapestry of my days through a pattern. for us, it means some type of schedule. and, as much as my free spirit coils from that word...i know that in doing so~ it will inevitably free me from those feelings of utter emptiness because of the hunger i feel for feeding such varied parts of my heart. i have spent quite a bit of time learning about what makes me feel FULL, of what encourages my higher self into active participation, and it is time to incorporate those very things i have explored into a natural rhythm within my life. i haven't always trusted that things unfold exactly as they should. i have spent several long periods of my life wishing that there was some other way or some other place. my power is lost in that because i am the ONLY one in my life who can create my own happiness, away and apart from the circumstances. so, waking up to a slow feeling of trust that it is never the end of the story~although it implies work~it is a high flying sense of togetherness. It all comes together, even if just for a few moments. It is in those moments that i am choosing to believe.

lazy summer days...

they drive me crazy!

living in this desert feels a bit unnatural at times. the months upon months when the temps reach well into the 100's send us all into the coolness of our air conditioned living rooms. or indoor play centers. or in water...ANYWHERE there is water. and so it has been for us. we get a bit stir crazy this time of year. cabin fever, if you will. it always feels to be the very reversal of what most peeps are experiencing this time of year. and come december...i will be so very thrilled about the fact that i live in this valley. but for now. i am struggling a wee bit. i am one who feels most comfortable when my children are in an environment of wide open space. where they can run and gallop and roar with plenty of room to roam. there is a tad bit of anxiety anytime i am taking them some where with the intention to "play"...where they are expected to stay within close proximity of at least a dozen other children. it just isn't a prescription for ease. but. we are managing just fine. and the beauty of having children is that they surprise you around every corner. so, we have actually had some very pleasant and enjoyable experiences within the confinement of indoor play centers! waddya know!?!? the bliss of our existence this summer has centered around water, as it does every summer here. both of my chilis are showing so much independence in the water. they float and they submerge and they kick and they hold breath and they are so very happy within this element. it is one way to stretch our bodies and move about to delight and please the sense of activity when it feels so very impossible to run around through fields of fresh air. for whatever reasons, the 115 degree air of a city just doesn't summon the word "fresh".

and so, instead. we flounder around in the water. pretending to be plesiosaurs. and the like. and we attempt to cool off our melting bodies in the refreshment of water.

life. joy. water.

dreadies and love.

if you know me, or have been visiting this little space for a while now...perhaps you remember reading this post from over a year ago. in it i made the declaration that i was FINALLY going to start dreads after years of pining over and coveting them from others. well... as you can see, i don't have dreads in my hair. after or during the time when that post was created, i did a lot of researching and looking and thinking. i had loads of conversations with people. some very, beautiful, inspiring on-line women with dreads (like this one...and this one) shared e-mails of encouragement, some bits of advice on getting started, and support with me as I reached out to them concerning this new beginning. i joined this amazing and lovely flickr group. and would begin dread centered conversations with anyone that i came across in the real world who had dreads that i thought were beautiful and funky. i held it in my mind that i would begin just as soon as i felt my hair was long enough not to shrink up too much when the actual "locking" began. so...my hair grew longer, life began to take my mind away from my hair... and the dreads have yet to be put in. but it is near time. and it will be done. because it is one of those things on my life list. one of those things that i want to at least try, so that i am not old and longing and full of "oh i should have's!". the time is near! it has been a loooooooong time coming. it has been a desire of mine for years to have them and i have been admiring them since my early teen years. that crush hasn't gone away by now, so it speaks to me of destiny. hee hee! the wonderful thing about timing and the unfolding of the whens and hows of the way things work is that while i visited boho in early may...we both randomly and passionately recited our love for dreads to one another in unison after seeing a beautiful dread head walk past us. and we whispered our shared dream of wearing our own some day. shortly after that, we exchanged encouragement towards the making of that dream coming true. and so, as perfectly as the universe offers... i got to buy the dread kit that she no longer needed after making the decision to get her locks done professionally! how utterly serendipitous is that? i love. i see it as some fun bits of beauty added to my journey as i begin to walk into the land of dreadlocks. i still have not decided on the exact "when" but i trust that it will be within the month or two. and i envision it to be a combined effort of the loved women in my life gathering around me and locking my hair as we celebrate the beauty of transformation and the following of ones own bliss. there is so much more that goes into this. it is only the beginning, but i thought i would re-introduce my intention in this space...as it serves to be one chosen method of manifesting my hopes and dreams. i will come here to chart the journey in the only way i best know how...with courage and honesty and with my heart leading the way.

she's crafty!

I have been meaning to share about the first sewing date I held for the Little Dresses for Africa project that I wrote about here. Last month I had several women over for a few hours of starting on our pillow case dresses. We cut, chatted, pinned, sewed, ironed, cut some more and finished the two hours with a lot done, but a lot more to go!

Since then, I have had a portable table set up in our reading room. It is the resting place for all materials involved in the making of these sweet little dresses. And it taunts me every day!

So, I plan to host another date. This time in the evening, without as many children among the bunch. Perhaps with some dessert and maybe some wine? Oh, and wider bias tape. Yes, I'll have that too!

If you are interested in joining in, let me know! It will be a yummy evening of sweets and drinks and the creative collaboration of fabulous women practicing a bit of craftivism. Just the kind of thing that makes this world a better place to be in.

pixie*

just wanted to pop in this space for a visit. the words haven't been coming to me lately. not that there isn't a lot going on, because life has been full of lessons and processes and learning. some of which has been utterly challenging and has left me with some exhaustion. there has been some sickness and some healing. some bending and breaking. and among it all change. change of all forms. journey, for example...decided that she wanted her hair short, like daddy's. i was not one to object, since getting her to allow me near her tresses with a brush is no easy task. so, off we went!

it was our first time in a real "salon" and she handled it like a veteran client. she was so serious through the whole process. brother didn't want to even get near a barber shop...so his locks are still long and lovely. and this little pixie cut suits journey so well. she rocks it.

i love this little fairy.

exactly.

exactly from mccabe russell on Vimeo.

a little something beautiful that i am taking time to watch each morning, before i start my day~ from the magical dancing mermaid music by amy steinburg Enjoy!

tenderness*

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "Awww!”

~Jack Kerouac

as the moon begins to wane, i am left with a wake of processing. it seems that a lot has begun to fill my heart, and honestly, sifting through it seems like no small task at the moment. so, instead, i breathe in and out, and sit with it all. there is no great effort in uncovering what life is speaking to me at the moment. i am just living it, and trusting the unfolding of all things. some of what sits inside is the cut of sadness over the loss of an american pop icon whose music i grew up dancing to as the lyrics spun round and round. it touches on this nostalgic place of realizing that he was my first iconic crush and that his music made this little 4 year old girl spin around in her living room...doing nothing else but living that moment. i remember how i grew, and he changed, but the memory of how i felt about him when i was so small is what kept me believing in him as a person...it is what kept me dancing to his songs. because somehow, in some distant way, his talent snuck into my life and sung to me of magic in human form. something otherworldly, something brilliant. something that didn't quite fit in this world in so many ways. and now, in his passing. i think of things like compassion and movement and being the change. i think of how we each have our own journeys, and that really what we need to focus on while we are walking (or dancing) is how we can offer compassion on the road. we each wrestle with our own restlessness. we each strive for our own star. we each sometimes wish, that our path might look a little different. when we come across weary travelers, when we become one ourselves... may we remember that we know nothing of what the terrain was like before this crossing. we know little of what type of storms have been endured. and we most likely can't see the inner landscape that is being traveled at the same time. we only see what is shown. but with compassion... with a little bit of tenderness, everything changes. we might get a peek into the truth that we are all human. and we are all walking (or dancing), and we are all doing the best with what we have. and... with that, i believe... the world can heal, because WE heal. i've been taking that sadness and looking into it for what the message is. does it have to do with encouragement to keep up with the compassion? is it telling me to dig deeper into my purpose? is it reminding me of how fragile we all are...and how quickly this life can pass? is it reminding me to live my life with everything i have? i'm not entirely sure. but i do know that i am being spoken to about starting where i am, again...even if it is the 1ooth reminder. and loving who i am, exactly WHERE i am. and reaching out to the world around me, in great compassion and love.

overdue.

our library books are overdue. as is that one movie from the movie store that i keep forgetting to take back. it seems i'm conducting a sort of theme for life these days. i feel a bit overdue in many regards. e-mails, phone calls, shower taking, and the general bits and pieces of life that seem to be hanging up to dry for a while. mostly, it can be chalked up to celebration. we have been doing lots of that these days. june usually knocks the wind out of me with celebration. and this month, it just keeps on comin'! all that to say. i am quite overdue (nearly two weeks, to be exact) in honoring my boy's 5th birthday in this space. 5 years old? really? why, yes! and he wears it proud.

we had a couple of events in celebration of such a beautiful achievement. one on his actual birthday with his home school group, spending time doing something he loves more than most things...swimming! it was a really fun party and he was showered with love and celebration...just as a 5 year old should be. up next was a weekend camping trip to the woods for a family celebration... to romp, explore, observe and get good and dirty with mama earth. this is where asher feels most comfortable, i am convinced. right smack dab in the middle of nature...literally soaking her up in every pore of his body. several family members were able to join us and escape the heat of the valley for a day or two...and it was such a treat for this little boy to be surrounded by that endless circle of support. he is loved. truly and deeply.

opportunities are endless when it comes to what you can do with trees as far as you can see, a river of water running right alongside your camp site, bugs and birds all around, and a spirit as big as asher's. he amazed me the moment he was placed on my chest after birthing him. he brought out this primal courage in me that i had never yet experienced or embraced. and there he was, this tiny little human, staring up at me with a soul much bigger than the room we were in. and it has been that way ever since. there isn't a single person who has changed me the way that this person has. there isn't a day that goes by where i am not reminded of how beautiful and brilliant he really is. there is not a moment in time where i don't understand how very blessed i am to be touched by his life. five years old... and already he is changing the world.

and this mama got a few sweet escapes where she could rest in the breast of the earth with that very knowledge...and give thanks for the life around and within.

for a few more eye goodies of our trip~ check here!

again and again.

I was reading a few blogs the other day, and I clicked on misplaced mama, as I do when I am needing raw, real truth that sinks into my soul and makes me want to wrap my arms around my own skin and open my heart to the world. She always does that for me. With this particular click, I rested my eyes on this paragraph: "i am done with thinking this blog is a place for something other than a process like a result of a process. this blog is the process. phew. how come it has taken me so long to remember that?" I felt the wisdom of those words immediately. Sometimes, for reasons that I can only attribute to fear and perfectionism...perfectionism of a wonky kind...but still perfectionism, I think that I should only come and write about something once it has been thought through and digested and once I am holding a fine piece of wisdom from the whole process to share with anyone who visits here. I hear these untruths that my writing won't really be worth anything unless I have the "right" words and enough space to really put them in the "right" order. The truth is...that is not a holistic representation of reality. Every situation isn't always tied up in a clear bow of wisdom. And a partial expression of my self is not what I come to this blog with...although sometimes it is the only thing that comes out. I am whole and I feel the muddiness. I have very little time to write. My mind isn't always able to find the words I look for. I sit inside a whole lot of situations without real answers for a good portion of the time. Sometimes, I am expansive and my spirit feels huge and weightless...soaring as high as a breeze. And I float on clear whispers of knowledge and shiny clarity of what is true and real. Sometimes, I am sinking small...unable to catch that same clarity that I experienced on that breeze, and I contract into a ball of fear and restlessness, thinking that there isn't enough and I am not enough. I expand. And then contract. And I think that somewhere along the way, I started to believe a lie that said I am only of good service when I am expanding. I offer nothing if I am shrinking and contracting. And all of that is bogus. Because, really, we are all adhering to that same rhythm and we are dancing along side one another. And when one of us steps back, another steps forward but is reminded of the song through our interconnected beat. When we can share honestly, we are brought into the fullness of it all...it isn't just this or that, right or wrong, truth or lie. It is all one big life-filled dance. I'm writing this because the words aren't coming easily right now. My thoughts are really jumbled. My attention is quite scattered. My center is always there but I am not spending much time in it. I have been rubbing up against some emotions of feeling quite vulnerable. As I embrace more of the complete picture...that I am not immune to the insecurities, the imperfections, the confusion and the muddy waters...there is a deeper tenderness revealed. Coming to this space opens that vulnerability wider. But I think that it also opens my heart further. Because I connect with people in a very real and authentic way through this medium. I cross paths with souls who understand and see me...and whom I understand and see. I see creativity at work in the world at large...and I feel hopeful. Sharing parts of my heart here...and in turn connecting with beauties who share parts of their own hearts, has been truly healing and quite cozy for me. I feel deep connection. I experience high inspiration. And I am reminded that we are never alone... we share similar dreams. we encourage the journey. we inspire and get inspired. and awaken to the delight that is life. out and in. out and in. out and in. again and again.

these magic moments.

I have been occupying a tender little place for the past week or so. I noticed that several experiences in my life were taking me to these places of fear, where I started to want to shut down a little bit, close off, and cuddle up. My mind has been trying to attach to several different distractions where I am quickly brought back to the root of it all and I am left with the fears and the emotions that accompany those fears. I've noticed that I am learning a lot about where I look for validation and where I allow other people's opinions to define parts of me. I have been having some really useful conversations with some of the lovelies in my life...where I am led to a better understanding of what my fears are telling me. And for the most part, I am still kind of sitting with the murkiness of it all, because that has become my practice of getting through it. I know that it is all here to tell me something. I know that I am hearing these fears for a reason and that I am coming up against situations that touch on these fears in order for me to better understand how to live courageously in the face of them. I know that it all makes up life as a practice of opening further and living more fully. I am honoring all of it. Today I organized certain parts of my house. I cleaned and I went through "stuff" and the whole day held a meditative pulse where I was able to check in with myself and ground in small experiences of peace. It reminded me of how much I need that daily grounding that can only come through awareness. I haven't really been doing that lately... and I can see that when this happens, the problems seem bigger... the patience is thinner, I feel smaller, and any small emotional distraction can take me for a walk around the park, leaving my center behind. When I come back, this is where I can see what is right in front of me. This is where I can access that infinite part of who I am...the one that is clear and loving and fully supported. This is the place where dreams are born and made real. *Light in the darkness*

create.

just a few images from our painting time today. i have been feeling a bit "off". worn out. in need of a big nest of goodness. i find that when i am cramped up in that bubble of discomfort...it is good to create. it is always good to create with my children. there is something very therapeutic about the action. about doing something. about making something even with all the grumblies hanging around and making me tired. even if i act as a bystander to the whole process... i can still catch a mist of the clarity that shines in the room. *big sigh* i'm just soaking that up, and wanted to share.

these hands.

my mama's hands.

if you have spent much time in this little blog space of mine, you have probably noticed this theme running through my life and efforts. this theme of wanting to make a difference, of wanting to make my actions matter, of carrying a bit of a tortured soul over how to make space for the everything i feel and ache for. i am consistently craving simplicity and am hungry for experiences that bring me closer to the kind of simple life i hope to lead. my heart clings to information that tells me that i have so much...and that there are people with so little. and sometimes, it all feels very heavy. i look around my home and see so much. so much that we don't need, and so much that we could do without.

jenica, who has quickly become a very dear and true friend in my life, has recently inspired me to join her in a project to use these longings and soul aches for a higher purpose. She shared her motivation on her blog this past week, and I have been touched by it ever since. The project is called Little Dresses for Africa and is such an inspirational, simple way for me to make a small difference with my own two hands.

I wanted to join right away! Seeing that we are states apart, I have decided to start my own little sewing group here...and would love for you to join forces with me! I am going send you on your merry way to read the original post that Jenica wrote on her blog about this project. I would love for you to read it. And after you do, if you find that you have a load of pillow cases not being used...send them my way! Better yet, if you want to be a part of turning those old pillow cases into clothing for children who don't have much...let me know! I would love to have you over for a sewing date. Just get in touch with me if this is something that feels as good to you as it does to me. If your hands are itching to make change, i'll make a seat for ya!

milks*

Journey just stopped nursing in February. I never thought that I would wean any of my children...I was much more inclined to let them initiate that departure. Asher weaned himself around 14 months and it was all in his own time. But Journey. She could nurse all day...all night...all the time. She LOVED it. And it was starting to become something that really interfered with sleep, for both of us. Which interfered with the rest of our time together. So... I somewhat encouraged the process along. But, it took a long time and a lot of questioning on my part. All that to say, she still has quite an adoration for my "milks", and likes to touch them as often as she can, without any regard to whether or not we are surrounded by complete strangers. Pulling down my shirt and searching her way through my bra is a comfort she won't deny herself. I love how she is taking her own fond memory of breast feeding and incorporating it into her play. She likes to nurse her babies. And she will ask me to help her put her babies in her "milks". Forget a sling, just use your shirt! It is something so sweet for me to see and it makes my heart happy to know that she remembers this in a delightful way...and that it is something that is very real for her.

And I love this last pictures. The essence of Journey: nursing her babe while being a T-Rex. I really love this girl.

it really is true.

i just got finished watching Across the Universe (again). i like to watch that movie whenever i feel the need for a little nudge into what really matters. and for some creative inspiration. really, just an all around heart tug. plus. jim sturgess? um. ya. pretty much a ginormous crush. honestly, it couldn't be any bigger. i have been feeling pretty quiet today. my dreams are on my mind. my relationships are on my mind. the world at large...is on my mind. i just wanted to share with you this beautiful part of the movie. because, i think we could all use this reminder. i could use it every morning (alongside my cup of jim, er i mean joe) hee hee.

spin it.

i've had this wonderful love for vinyl for quite some time now. i don't even remember when it started. but something about a record. yum. so you can imagine (or at least try) my disappointment when not one, not two BUT THREE of my record players were damaged beyond repair by my very own husband in the length of time i have known him. two were stepped on in college. and the third was broken on the day i received it as a gift. needless to say, i haven't heard the sound of a record in my living space for, well....years. today i decided to put an end to that fatality. and i looked on craigslist for a record player, and i found one that sounded just perfect. which had just been posted yesterday. hello universe! thank you for knowing my need for some vinyl. i made the connection, stopped by the bank for some quick cash, and brought home my gently used record player.

to help instill this love for spinning into my children, i grabbed the winnie the pooh record i have in my collection. they sat. and listened. and really enjoyed it. and i couldn't stop smelling my records. and listening to that delicious crackly sound as they spin around and around. and the sound of bob dylan on vinyl is just ten times more rich. and i am so happy to have a working record player in my home...

so very happy.

reclaiming.

so. i have been really trying to make things happen around here. i have all of these little projects in my mind for our space. a photo placed here. some paint over here. a little decoupage on this. some lights hung over that. except. none of it has seemed to be actually, um, happening. because there are piles. and i really mean PILES of laundry to be done. there are loads of dishes to be washed. there are naked children to dry off from splashing in the kiddy pool outside. there is said pool to be drained. and there is that cat who runs outside when draining that pool...and he makes this mama all nervous when he goes out, because, you know...he might not show up again for three days. he has a short history of doing that, and i don't want to make it a habit. he actually did leave the yard this morning though...and i just had to let the anxiety go. after i did that, whaddya know? he showed up at the back door, choosing the air conditioned sanctuary over the call of his wild. but i didn't really come on here to talk about my cat. i wanted to talk about today. about how i woke up this morning with those same longings of creating something, anything...just getting to a place of feeling like i had made life a little bit more beautiful around here. immediately upon rising, i tripped my way through the mountain of laundry on our bedroom floor (clean laundry that needed to be folded) in order to make it to the kitchen where i was being hungered for by two near STARVING children pleading for some relief in the form of chocolate milk. and i knew my day had begun. and i was swirling around my discontent over my time being everyone elses at the same time i stirred the sugar into my children's breakfast. i then caught that little girl scream from within. and i remembered some tools that i have acquired in listening to her and holding her and helping her needs be met. and i said to myself. this is YOUR life jessamyn. this is YOUR day. how do you want to spend it? and i walked through my day with that in mind. sure, i still had the same responsibilities that i have had. i still knew that there would be many mishaps throughout our day. i was still very certain that i wouldn't get each and every thing on my to do list accomplished. but i recovered my power...and that was all that mattered, really. and the day actually kind of flowed from that point on in a noticeable way. i decided to make myself a playlist on the computer in the bedroom that was keeping all of those clean clothes on the floor that were soon to be dirtied from everyone stepping on them over and over again. and i had so much fun constructing this confetti list of music i love to listen to. and i began my folding. and i didn't get through it until the far end of the day because of how many times i decided to leave it and come back. but the music played all day long. and the children decided to play hide and seek with each other...without ARGUING and without being prompted by me (such a fun stage they are entering with all of that). and journey took this fantastic 2 hour nap. and while she napped, asher wanted to show me all of the "museums" he constructed in his room and listening to him nearly brought me to tears because he is so freaking full of passion, it kills me. and then. then when i told him i needed to get back to nurturing our home, he asked if he could help. and he really wanted to help in a really authentic way. and it was awesome to hear that...i didn't even know where to guide him at first! all that to say. i noticed that once i drew back my power and remembered that this is my one wild and beautiful life...i was opened up to possibility. i put on a comfy hippie dress. i let that dread forming in the back of my hair just stay there. i dyed my duvet cover. i framed some art and photos and hung them. i put up some large colorful vases in my kitchen. i turned up the music and turned on the paper lanterns. i played with my camera and drank a LOT of coffee. i sat with my children as they practiced cutting with scissors, and then we pasted and colored. and we spent time with the bugs outside, and read 1/2 of our library books on sharks. the day had a positive current and i totally chalk it up to that moment of realizing that i can create it in any way that i want...even when there is a lot to do and a mountain of laundry and a couple of beautiful, curious souls wanting everything all at once. oh! and that mountain of laundry got it's bootie whooped.

some really good things.

this motherhood thing. wow. just when i think that things are flowing in a certain direction, i am met with a new stage, new questions, a new course to flow along with. i have been watching my children lately. i have been seeing them grow in some really intense and significant ways. i have seen how journey instigates and challenges and blazes her own trail. i have seen her warrior come out to fight reason in the name of having her own way. i have noticed how confident and certain she is... and how she will maneuver her way through her longings and bump up against frustration over and over and over again. i have seen how she opens her heart wide to soften herself and meet you with a tender kiss and a sigh and a stable look into your eyes. i have seen her need for laughter and crazy fun...and how she wants to know just how far she can go. and asher. i have noticed he is really exploring relationships and the roles that we assign one another in this society. and this mama has had to really trust him with it all. because her world view sometimes clashes with what society seems to speak...and she stumbles a little when her son reminds her of what social creatures we really are...and how he needs to navigate and discover his own understanding of the world in order to find his place there. and sometimes, he might have a different opinion than me...and that is ok. ;) but i see in him the same intensity that i always have. i see in him that same brilliance. the magic of childhood. the struggle that occurs when humanity meets that brilliance in a way that most of us don't experience. he works his way through his questions. sometimes without answers. and longs for connection of a deeply organic form. this is why you will always see him noticing the birds. and spotting any lizard within 25 feet of him. and he can hear sounds that fade into the white noise of my life. and he can create a story from the white walls of our world. and he loves to love things with his entire being. almost becoming it himself. in a way so wildly pure...it cuts me deep all the time. he creates deep friendships with little critters. and cares about mother earth in a very raw way. and once again i am reminded of how we all need each other and how we ALL have something to teach...no matter what restrictions we may put on one another.

finding myself in nature.

it never takes me long to rest in the comfort that being in nature brings to me. for some reason, i am always brought back to myself. to what is important to me. to where i have been letting city pace take charge and navigate my rhythm. when i am with nature, i can remember the calm. i can hear the song. i can smell the scent of simplicity...and i feel so much more certain of the whispers to crawl back to my center. it is like one huge breath... filling me up with life.

there are times when i hit a block in my journey to bring my inner landscape OUT. it usually is subtle and inconspicuous...but each block thwarts me into a drift on walking through each day, not paying attention to my integrity. each action counts in my life. i believe this. and sometimes i just don't pay as much attention to the little tiny actions that make up the energy of my life. my focus shifts and i tend to lose sight of the values and commitments that matter most to me. i don't create because i don't have the time. i don't sit with my children through that one book because there is always later. i don't choose to let go because i am afraid there isn't enough. and so on and so forth.

but nature. she speaks truth. and she reminds me of who i am at my core. she brings me back in alignment with my values and life vision, because, well...she knows. i feel understood here. i feel in tune here. i feel full-fledged freedom. and i am nudged ever so gently into action, because all around me is the beauty of creation.

soaking it up*

what do you think of my shiny new rain boots? i think they are delightful. and it just so happens that we have had a little bout of spring the past several days here in the valley of the SUN. and that has been just as delightful as my shiny new rain boots.

i am off to nurture my love for spring weather with a weekend in the mountains. shiny new rain boots are coming along... as is my adoration of thunder storms. and mud puddles. it should be full of fun! *see you soon*

the long road.

i'm mending the bits of my heart that broke off after having met this little love of a pup, welcomed her into our home with great hope, and then returned her to her rightful family at the end of things.

it all works out as it should, i suppose. she showed up in my life rather giftedly. just wandering about. we met by both of us being in the right place, at the right time. i fell for her immediately. and i named her. *GYPSY* because she was my wandering gypsy girl. and i totally dug her and new she had that soulful vibe. my children fell for her too.

following my integrity. i knew that i had to search the neighborhood in which she was found just to see if someone was looking for her. and, sure enough. OF COURSE someone was looking for this love dog. of course. i cried on my way home to gather her up. my children cried. telling me that she had already come "home" to us. i knew what i had to do, but it wasn't easy. and i remembered the wise words that i heard at one point from my life coach: "it is all ok in the end. if it isn't ok, then it is not the end". and sure enough. when i returned to their home, they were waiting on the porch...so anxious for her arrival. and the cherry on top of it all is that Gypsy's mommy and daddy (the canine kind) live in that same house as well. and when they came out to celebrate her homecoming. great peace settled into my soul. home. wherever she would lay her head, she might call home. but i think she is in the right place on her journey, this is where she wanted to be. and today i have caught myself thinking of her. and i whisper myself a phrase that my loved friend introduced to me though this experience: "o lungo drom" *the long road* and i roll the rrrrrrrr in a gypsy way and i hold the mmmmmmm as if i just ate a scoop of mint chocolate chip icecream. and i sigh. knowing that she is on her way, and is finding comfort where she be.