i've been lost in some dream world...far, far away from everyone for the past few days. it has felt kind of nice, but i get frustrated when the demands of reality always bring me back into...well...reality. and, that seems to happen every 10 seconds or so. consequently, i gave up trying to STAY in dream world just as quickly as i entered it. but, i do find myself there whenever i can be. mostly it is a land filled with dreadlocks and "hippies" and gypsy travel and communes and renovated RV's...things that i love and ache for. something like this live lightly tour, is what has been beckoning me in. i would, in every bit of honesty, catch that bus in a second if i had the chance.
dreaming about it all has done me some great good though. because what does that mean "if i had" the chance. aren't i supposed to MAKE the chance...create it...work towards it...somehow bring some piece of it into my life, into this now? this year is holding a lot of transformation for me, i can sense it. i don't really think of it as "change"...because what i see is merely alignment. bringing it all together. "it" meaning what resides within me that has continuously shown itself to be important to my life. take dreads for example. i can remember discovering what dreads were back in junior high school and thinking "fabulous". those.are.fabulous. that opinion has carried on over all those years and within the last year or so...i have really started to question why i don't have them if i think they are so friggin' great? so. i am gearing up to make me some dreads. i think they're beautiful. i think they rock the funk...and something about the process of it all really appeals to me. although...i think it might be one of the more "patience required" kind of journey's i have ventured on. i have two kids...might as well throw in some dreads.
there's that. and there's so much more. and i see that this season in my life is all about bringing it all out into the open air to breathe and be seen and to say "HELLO...yes, i am a part of jessamyn's heart, always have been...it is so nice to meet you all after hibernating for so long!"
those of you who know me know things like this... things that are deemed "alternative" have always been what i am drawn to. (i resonate with several of the words sara, from walk slowly live wildly ,wrote in her may 6th post). inherent to my soul is the desire to be challenged to live ideals that speak worlds about love and consciousness and making things better. i have always known that i am attracted to ideals like peace, tolerance, sustainability, consciousness, community, love, and the like. i have always loved me some alternatives to what is mainstream and have always found "home" in challenging the status quo. i've been visiting thrift stores since junior high with my girlfriends and that is the same time i fell in love with vinyl records and the era of freedom. but it goes far beyond music and records... i like doing things a different way (for the most part)...and for the majority of my life...that might have been partly due to it just being "different". But now, as an adult, as a mama especially...i am learning that i am drawn to doing things a little differently for more important reasons. because, more often than not, the alternative to doing it differently doesn't seem to jive in my heart. it doesn't fit. it doesn't feel like it works.
sometimes, i try to make it work because that seems to be what makes the most "sense". but...living that way doesn't kick the hunger for whatever it was i wanted to do in the first place. i get called into this dream world consistently. and for me, i am realizing how much happier of a person i am when that world isn't more dreamy than it is real. the steps i make in my life (cause we all gotta go SOMEwhere, don't we?)...aren't "changes" that overwhelm me...but rather alignment that brings me to center. right where i belong. and "center" usually means somehow staying on the bridge and holding space for all of me...contradictions and all. holding space so that it is no longer about being either "alternative" or not...it is just about what IS and what I know to feel good for my own kind of livin'.
i'm going to be sharing some of those steps, i am sure, along the way as i seem to do...and some of them i may just be living without writing much about.
i am a gal who likes to dream. but i like living the dreams (when I can) even more.
let's go live on!