i've been lost in some dream world...far, far away from everyone for the past few days. it has felt kind of nice, but i get frustrated when the demands of reality always bring me back into...well...reality. and, that seems to happen every 10 seconds or so. consequently, i gave up trying to STAY in dream world just as quickly as i entered it. but, i do find myself there whenever i can be. mostly it is a land filled with dreadlocks and "hippies" and gypsy travel and communes and renovated RV's...things that i love and ache for. something like this live lightly tour, is what has been beckoning me in. i would, in every bit of honesty, catch that bus in a second if i had the chance. dreaming about it all has done me some great good though. because what does that mean "if i had" the chance. aren't i supposed to MAKE the chance...create it...work towards it...somehow bring some piece of it into my life, into this now? this year is holding a lot of transformation for me, i can sense it. i don't really think of it as "change"...because what i see is merely alignment. bringing it all together. "it" meaning what resides within me that has continuously shown itself to be important to my life. take dreads for example. i can remember discovering what dreads were back in junior high school and thinking "fabulous". those.are.fabulous. that opinion has carried on over all those years and within the last year or so...i have really started to question why i don't have them if i think they are so friggin' great? so. i am gearing up to make me some dreads. i think they're beautiful. i think they rock the funk...and something about the process of it all really appeals to me. although...i think it might be one of the more "patience required" kind of journey's i have ventured on. i have two kids...might as well throw in some dreads.
there's that. and there's so much more. and i see that this season in my life is all about bringing it all out into the open air to breathe and be seen and to say "HELLO...yes, i am a part of jessamyn's heart, always have been...it is so nice to meet you all after hibernating for so long!"
those of you who know me know things like this... things that are deemed "alternative" have always been what i am drawn to. (i resonate with several of the words sara, from walk slowly live wildly ,wrote in her may 6th post). inherent to my soul is the desire to be challenged to live ideals that speak worlds about love and consciousness and making things better. i have always known that i am attracted to ideals like peace, tolerance, sustainability, consciousness, community, love, and the like. i have always loved me some alternatives to what is mainstream and have always found "home" in challenging the status quo. i've been visiting thrift stores since junior high with my girlfriends and that is the same time i fell in love with vinyl records and the era of freedom. but it goes far beyond music and records... i like doing things a different way (for the most part)...and for the majority of my life...that might have been partly due to it just being "different". But now, as an adult, as a mama especially...i am learning that i am drawn to doing things a little differently for more important reasons. because, more often than not, the alternative to doing it differently doesn't seem to jive in my heart. it doesn't fit. it doesn't feel like it works.
sometimes, i try to make it work because that seems to be what makes the most "sense". but...living that way doesn't kick the hunger for whatever it was i wanted to do in the first place. i get called into this dream world consistently. and for me, i am realizing how much happier of a person i am when that world isn't more dreamy than it is real. the steps i make in my life (cause we all gotta go SOMEwhere, don't we?)...aren't "changes" that overwhelm me...but rather alignment that brings me to center. right where i belong. and "center" usually means somehow staying on the bridge and holding space for all of me...contradictions and all. holding space so that it is no longer about being either "alternative" or not...it is just about what IS and what I know to feel good for my own kind of livin'.
i'm going to be sharing some of those steps, i am sure, along the way as i seem to do...and some of them i may just be living without writing much about.
i am a gal who likes to dream. but i like living the dreams (when I can) even more.
let's go live on!
6 comments:
although dreads are pfunkadelic to be sure I think there is also something to say for clean hair that you can comb :) --- especially when it becomes 110 outside. I, too, sometimes just want to pack up the RV and drive to the worlds largest frying pan, ball of yarn, etc but then when you realize that gas is edging towards four bucks a gallon and that my children would would be hot and tired of the car and thus behave like grubby little trolls I remember that happiness can only be found in the moment that is happening now and can't be a wish in another life and I try and enjoy THIS, NOW. This time in our lives when our babies are young is such a small slice of the pie of lives that we will lead as women, and the daily struggles we have now will be over and forgotten in a mere blink. Stay off the bus for now Jess, you have a lot of life ahead.
This post is the perfect example of why I adore calling you friend. You think so different than I do. I am the typical type A personality who struggles to think "outside" the box. You have the courage to know what is within your heart and make that your reality. I know that we are polar opposites you love floating in the clouds and need to remind yourself of your roots in the ground. I am sometimes so focused on my roots in the ground that I forget to look up and see the beauty in the clouds. I love that about you. You remind me of all the things I forget my heart is telling me to hear.
The love you have for life, family and friends is so intense. You are raising your children the way that YOU desire and not how someone tells you they need tob e raised. You follow your own music and your children are learning from you that it is okay to do that. I can not wait to hear more about your "alignment" year. Each day is a new day which brings new challenges and new joys. I know you cherish each of them and will continue to do so. I am enjoying "watching" you go on your journey. Love you dear friend. Can not wait to see you next week! :)
i gotta tell ya...i am so ready for dreads! but i will stay off the bus for now kell...only if you promise to come with me later down the road (if only in another life!) hee hee!
and...you could always opt for a ride rolling on vegetable oil rather than gas...it would save you some bucks!
luckily, my children don't let me dream too far away. the energy around them always pulls me into this life...this now. thank goodness, right? you are so right about that.
deb...thanks so much for your kindness and acceptance and all around lovliness. i am so lucky to have you in my life!
love this post...love you! I have been in my own dream state this week...this week my baby turns one, I have been keeping most of my attention on Griffin and this is the year anniversary of becoming a full time mom...I want to make sure that I am giving my babes the life that I want them to have, live the way I feel is "right" for us, that I am teaching them and loving them the way my heart guides me...but I do hope my children have the ambition and drive to be different, to be individuals. That is why I am so grateful that you live in this space, that you pour out you heart and that you are in our lives because you always give me inspiration to continuing to grow and enhance the life that I am in!!
Jess,
Well, girl, all I can say is "Watch out world; Jessamyn is arriving." I so admire your boldness in acknowledging who you are ... in all of your complexities ... and for trying -- with each passing year -- to be the truest version of you, while trying to stay in the here and now as well. That takes a lot of courage, and I am proud to call you friend. I can't wait for the day that I get to hug you and your dread-locked self!!!
this sounds so good and real to you; these are your dreams and you call to them. how proud of yourself you should be, to follow who you are, change what you want, transform, let those wings grow a bit more. i know you are already flying, J, but to step back re-remember who you are.
I have been on the dread thing on and off for 10 years...and for some reason i feel like this time is for real.
as for the bus, some kids can and some can't. there is always veggie fuel! you know your path, take pride in walking it, whatever it may be. I hold you through it, smiling at all the dicoveries...small and big.
peace/
mb
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