If you can imagine the sound of a deep, heavy sigh being emptied from a very tired, worn thin mama...you are hearing me. Last night my body totally reacted from the stress that has been surrounding me for the past week. My body started feeling heavy, my mind cloudy, my energy completely depleted. As soon as Josh got home, I crashed on the bed and shut out the world around me. It was the only thing I could do as the heaviness turned into achiness, the cloudiness into a headache, and the depletion into extinction. I fell asleep without realizing that I had and woke up later in the night only to toss and turn and hurt from the pain that was centered in my hip flexors and glutes. It was a strange experience and a bit of forced stillness that was much needed.
We need to find stillness in this house. There is disorder all around us. Dishes are piled up as high as they can reach, toys are scattered, clothes are strewn about our floors, piles and piles of laundry wait to be washed. It seems that along with the uncertainty and unfamiliar that came with the experiences of the past week, also came a habit of disorder. It has been more difficult to discover calm than it has to just draw closer to chaos. It is as if we are finding comfort in the carriage of a rapid current...taking us nowhere and everywhere at the same time. There is no steady beat pulsing throughout our days...just random clanging and banging and moving and dancing. It isn't anything negative. We are spending time here and there and watching movies and coming undone. I can just hear this deep calling from the essence of this place that says, BE STILL. Come home and take root in your days.
I know that we will find center again and that the dishes will get done, as will the laundry. The clothes will be folded and put away. This house will reach it's regular semi-clean state. Dirty enough to make us comfortable, but clean enough to make us happy. I know that we will move the TV back into the garage and that we will fold the hide-a-way bed back into the couch. We will discover again the joy of quiet time and reading books. We will connect further with the backyard and with each other.
For now, it seems like we are all just drifting around in our own little worlds, a bit detached from one another and from the steadiness that we sometimes long for. Our behavior shows our hunger for it. I know it will come. I know that it can't be pushed or begged for and that it will slip back into the heartbeat of our days once again. Only to be lost and regained a million times more.
(i started a new photography blog! i am really excited about getting some more experience and growing my creative self through this medium. take a looksie if you have a moment and let me know what you think!)
you can find me HERE!