10.26.2009

awakening.

It has been a while, yes? I have been rather busy lately. With life. With photo sessions and editing. With kids and homeschooling. I haven't felt very present. It feels much more like I am on a bit of a swift ride, just barely managing to remember all the bits and pieces of what it takes to journey from here to there. I am stopping in these spaces that are full of questions. With photography, it goes something like this. "Is this for real?" "Do you think you are good enough to be getting paid for this, really?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your pictures and sessions?" With my children and homeschooling, it goes something like this. "Are you SURE you are cut out for this?" "Do you really think that you are smart, patient, kind enough to be their mother?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your children and teaching them?" In life coaching, we call those nagging, negative, self defeating questions, those voices... "the gremlins". These voices don't do much in serving growth. Unless of course you account for the courage and mindful discipline it takes to keep on doing what you believe in even when the gremlins are loud and obnoxious. I think it is just all a part of that endless journey of fully occupying my own. It is all a part of finding, hearing and using my own voice. Trusting, truly trusting that inner guidance and permission to be exactly who I am. Sometimes, that inner knowing might lead us on paths that look a bit different to others. We might not get that external validation that we, as human kind, often seek and yearn for. And better yet, we might never get to THAT place that we have in our minds of where we "ought" to be. For a while now, I feel as if I have been waking up to the realizations that these are untruths. These questions that infer that there is one right way to do things or one perfect example of what to BE. That the end result is perfection and completion. I am beginning to understand deeply about what it means to really JOURNEY through life and to be comfortable with the imperfections...to, in fact, embrace them. The imperfections become less of something to "overcome" and more of something to travel through. They are our teachers on a path of full existence. I guess what I am better understanding is that the gentleness is key. Honoring my inner wisdom is my compass. Taking all the small steps is how I will move. All of it this coming to mind and is compounded when I think of transforming my hair into dreads. I've decided to get them done professionally and my appointment is set! I think I am in preparation mode for the change. It is funny because, like I was telling a dear friend of mine, on one hand this change is so very fun and light. True to myself, I am a girl who loves change. I like to try new things. I am fairly comfortable with being outside the box. I crave experiences that are a bit different than what I am used to. I am drawn to creativity and expression. So, in many ways, this is just another way in which I can explore. I think it is fun and creative. It is something I have never experienced. It is also just one of those "things" that is on my life list. We all want to cross stuff of the life list, right? On the other hand, it is symbolic. I think it is a bit of an expression of a deeper transformation and unleashing, perhaps a small part of a greater journey in unveiling my own voice. Regardless of what hand I look at though, some people in my life do not understand this desire of mine. They might have some difficulty in accepting it. They might judge it, dislike it, even go to the extent of being hurtful about it. And that is ok. It is just hair. It isn't a permanent state of existence. It is an expedition, just like any other adventure. Like any journey, there will most likely be some bumps along the way and, in all honesty, I don't know what to expect! So with this, as with many things in my life lately, I take an attitude of genuine curiosity and say... "we'll just see how it goes!". I did see this collage on a blog several months back and now I can't remember where I got it from. At the time, I saved it to my computer and I have been looking over it the past couple of weeks. I think she gathered different images from the web and put some of her favorites together. I am loving the dreads of the girl with the Nikon in the upper right. Yum! ;)
I also have been reading this small excerpt from a poem featured in a book I am reading. "oh woman remember who you are woman woman it is the whole earth" ~Joy Harjo

14 comments:

daisies said...

oh wow, the red makes me swoon .. i miss being a redhead :-) you are going to look stunningly beautiful like you are .. xo

Georgia said...

You will be gorgeous, I can't wait to see them on you.

Lets play soon! I need some Jessamyn time!!

Debbie said...

I can not wait to see you and your transformation. I LOVE the new picture of you as well on your sidebar...so beautiful and pure. Even though you and I are so different...I admire you for your strength, genuine soul, and the ability to stay true to who you are and where your path leads you. You bring so much richness and love to the lives of those whom you meet. I am blessed to call you a friend.

Much love and peace on this amazing journey you are on...

Hayley Egan said...

I have missed reading you! Glad you're back in the game and have overridden some gremlins in your art and motherhood. (I didn't know you were a home-schooler until now, would love to hear more about that sometime...) Your dreads will be heavenly..

latisha said...

ooh! i cant wait to see em!

kimberly said...

i for one, am very excited for this little celebration......it's been something you have felt comfortable with for a long time now....a new adventure, a new feel, a new outlook, a new sense of energy, a new representation of yourself, a risk, living life a little fuller a little more colorful....and you get to cross something off of your list at the same time! :-)
wish i could be there too!
xoxo

teeni said...

Can't wait to see/hear more about your dreads and how you feel about them. Also, congratulations on being chosen to receive the Blog Friendship Box! I do hope you will participate and please email me to let me know what part of the world you are blogging from so I can update my readers. Feel free to contact me with any questions. I bet you will bring a wonderful touch to the box! :)

Anonymous said...

collage was on 'found and made' i believe...
http://foundandmadedesigns.blogspot.com/

pERIWiNKLe said...

Embracing the space you are in...and knowing that you are all perfectly perfect just as you are today! No improvement needed...just some lovin...xx

mb said...

goodness gal,

i love finding you here, showing up and meeting with you.

how was it we did not meet in AZ? HOW????

I love mama dreads. I have had them and cut them so many times. Why my noncommittal? i think that is a good thing, to have someone do them for you...i wish i was there because i am quite good at it and i would only charge you a cup of tea with a shot of whiskey.

have fun! more than anything else...have fun.

xxoo
mb

Kirsten Michelle said...

so anxious to see your gorgeous new dreads, darling... and to hear your voice.xo

Michelle Shopped said...

looking forward to your dreads (the artist stephanie?) -- it's been fun following denise's...

Found & Made Designs said...

That collage is from my blog!! I still don't have dreads yet but I'm hoping to get them done next spring in Portland. Good luck to you :)

Suvarna said...

just dropping by from december views, and so glad I did. I love what you said about those nagging negative voices needing courage and and mindful discipline. So true.
I think dreads are beautiful btw and yay for you for going for it.