awakening.

It has been a while, yes? I have been rather busy lately. With life. With photo sessions and editing. With kids and homeschooling. I haven't felt very present. It feels much more like I am on a bit of a swift ride, just barely managing to remember all the bits and pieces of what it takes to journey from here to there. I am stopping in these spaces that are full of questions. With photography, it goes something like this. "Is this for real?" "Do you think you are good enough to be getting paid for this, really?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your pictures and sessions?" With my children and homeschooling, it goes something like this. "Are you SURE you are cut out for this?" "Do you really think that you are smart, patient, kind enough to be their mother?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your children and teaching them?" In life coaching, we call those nagging, negative, self defeating questions, those voices... "the gremlins". These voices don't do much in serving growth. Unless of course you account for the courage and mindful discipline it takes to keep on doing what you believe in even when the gremlins are loud and obnoxious. I think it is just all a part of that endless journey of fully occupying my own. It is all a part of finding, hearing and using my own voice. Trusting, truly trusting that inner guidance and permission to be exactly who I am. Sometimes, that inner knowing might lead us on paths that look a bit different to others. We might not get that external validation that we, as human kind, often seek and yearn for. And better yet, we might never get to THAT place that we have in our minds of where we "ought" to be. For a while now, I feel as if I have been waking up to the realizations that these are untruths. These questions that infer that there is one right way to do things or one perfect example of what to BE. That the end result is perfection and completion. I am beginning to understand deeply about what it means to really JOURNEY through life and to be comfortable with the imperfections...to, in fact, embrace them. The imperfections become less of something to "overcome" and more of something to travel through. They are our teachers on a path of full existence. I guess what I am better understanding is that the gentleness is key. Honoring my inner wisdom is my compass. Taking all the small steps is how I will move. All of it this coming to mind and is compounded when I think of transforming my hair into dreads. I've decided to get them done professionally and my appointment is set! I think I am in preparation mode for the change. It is funny because, like I was telling a dear friend of mine, on one hand this change is so very fun and light. True to myself, I am a girl who loves change. I like to try new things. I am fairly comfortable with being outside the box. I crave experiences that are a bit different than what I am used to. I am drawn to creativity and expression. So, in many ways, this is just another way in which I can explore. I think it is fun and creative. It is something I have never experienced. It is also just one of those "things" that is on my life list. We all want to cross stuff of the life list, right? On the other hand, it is symbolic. I think it is a bit of an expression of a deeper transformation and unleashing, perhaps a small part of a greater journey in unveiling my own voice. Regardless of what hand I look at though, some people in my life do not understand this desire of mine. They might have some difficulty in accepting it. They might judge it, dislike it, even go to the extent of being hurtful about it. And that is ok. It is just hair. It isn't a permanent state of existence. It is an expedition, just like any other adventure. Like any journey, there will most likely be some bumps along the way and, in all honesty, I don't know what to expect! So with this, as with many things in my life lately, I take an attitude of genuine curiosity and say... "we'll just see how it goes!". I did see this collage on a blog several months back and now I can't remember where I got it from. At the time, I saved it to my computer and I have been looking over it the past couple of weeks. I think she gathered different images from the web and put some of her favorites together. I am loving the dreads of the girl with the Nikon in the upper right. Yum! ;)

I also have been reading this small excerpt from a poem featured in a book I am reading. "oh woman remember who you are woman woman it is the whole earth" ~Joy Harjo