6.15.2009

again and again.

I was reading a few blogs the other day, and I clicked on misplaced mama, as I do when I am needing raw, real truth that sinks into my soul and makes me want to wrap my arms around my own skin and open my heart to the world. She always does that for me. With this particular click, I rested my eyes on this paragraph: "i am done with thinking this blog is a place for something other than a process like a result of a process. this blog is the process. phew. how come it has taken me so long to remember that?" I felt the wisdom of those words immediately. Sometimes, for reasons that I can only attribute to fear and perfectionism...perfectionism of a wonky kind...but still perfectionism, I think that I should only come and write about something once it has been thought through and digested and once I am holding a fine piece of wisdom from the whole process to share with anyone who visits here. I hear these untruths that my writing won't really be worth anything unless I have the "right" words and enough space to really put them in the "right" order. The truth is...that is not a holistic representation of reality. Every situation isn't always tied up in a clear bow of wisdom. And a partial expression of my self is not what I come to this blog with...although sometimes it is the only thing that comes out. I am whole and I feel the muddiness. I have very little time to write. My mind isn't always able to find the words I look for. I sit inside a whole lot of situations without real answers for a good portion of the time. Sometimes, I am expansive and my spirit feels huge and weightless...soaring as high as a breeze. And I float on clear whispers of knowledge and shiny clarity of what is true and real. Sometimes, I am sinking small...unable to catch that same clarity that I experienced on that breeze, and I contract into a ball of fear and restlessness, thinking that there isn't enough and I am not enough. I expand. And then contract. And I think that somewhere along the way, I started to believe a lie that said I am only of good service when I am expanding. I offer nothing if I am shrinking and contracting. And all of that is bogus. Because, really, we are all adhering to that same rhythm and we are dancing along side one another. And when one of us steps back, another steps forward but is reminded of the song through our interconnected beat. When we can share honestly, we are brought into the fullness of it all...it isn't just this or that, right or wrong, truth or lie. It is all one big life-filled dance. I'm writing this because the words aren't coming easily right now. My thoughts are really jumbled. My attention is quite scattered. My center is always there but I am not spending much time in it. I have been rubbing up against some emotions of feeling quite vulnerable. As I embrace more of the complete picture...that I am not immune to the insecurities, the imperfections, the confusion and the muddy waters...there is a deeper tenderness revealed. Coming to this space opens that vulnerability wider. But I think that it also opens my heart further. Because I connect with people in a very real and authentic way through this medium. I cross paths with souls who understand and see me...and whom I understand and see. I see creativity at work in the world at large...and I feel hopeful. Sharing parts of my heart here...and in turn connecting with beauties who share parts of their own hearts, has been truly healing and quite cozy for me. I feel deep connection. I experience high inspiration. And I am reminded that we are never alone... we share similar dreams. we encourage the journey. we inspire and get inspired. and awaken to the delight that is life. out and in. out and in. out and in. again and again.

10 comments:

Piper Paradise said...

I enjoy your writing. I feel like I learn a bit more about you each time you share. Thanks!

Debbie said...

Wow...you are amazingly beautiful and pure. I adore your writing and YOU. This writing is settling in my heart and making me think....I adore that about you! Enjoy your day...love you!

daisies said...

oh yes honey, oh yes :-) its funny because when i go to my blog i rarely even know what i'm going to write about but i always find what i need ... i love that about the process. love you, xox

jenica said...

yes
yes
yes.

just write.

Wildly Cam said...

I love how your words flow, soul sister...

I come here knowing fully that what you share in this sacred space are pieces of the whole. But, I can still see that the whole Jessamyn shines through these pages, and her truth illuminates beauty.

~Much love to you~

latisha said...

ahh, but aren't expanding and contracting really the same thing?

pERIWiNKLe said...

just open your heart and say what you feel...in that moment...with or with perfection...imperfectly perfect! xx

Mon said...

Hi, not sure how I got here but ehre I am.

Lovely thoughts.

I am a huge fan of the process. And vulnerability is most definitely a key, a key to hearts.

MamaTea said...

Wow. Wow. Wow again. I am so glad I stumbled onto your blog today. You just summed up, in the middle of your chaotic jumbled thoughts, everything I have been feeling the past month or so and couldn't express. Wow. This speaks so much. Just keep writing. You are raw and pure. Amazing...thanks for pointing out the beauty in the process. I needed that. So much.

beth said...

thank you for this dose of reality and sharing with us words that we all need to carry around with us for a few days until they sink in....