so perfectly imperfect

i'm always inspired by people who have the desire to grow...to reinvent themselves in new and positive ways. i guess that i hold a certain understanding with that...i like to try and feed all of the various "parts" of who i am. just on a completely realistic level, it is entirely too much to take on all of this at once....and so, naturally, various elements of my desires for MORE and for change surface in my life during different seasons. i like to think that it is all a part of our progression...isn't growth a part of what makes us "alive" by definition? so it seems that lately i am focused on my own approach to parenting. what does it mean to be a parent to asher and journey? what are the values i would like to see instilled in them through my own example and life? i keep falling on this intuition of knowing that the conventional ways or more traditional approaches to parenting just don't seem to jive in the mix of our day to day living. there is this thought out there that the children being born into today's world are requiring more from us...they are moving us towards a new thought...a new way of being in this world...towards PEACE. i am convinced of it as well. and while i am totally inspired, determined and motivated to bring a respectful way of rearing these children into our lives on a moment to moment basis...it is in all truth, something that requires a lot of "un" learning on my part. it also requires a certain amount of awareness. am i frustrated? how can i see these children for who they really are, even in their moments of hysteria and meltdowns? what is really going on when he does things that i just asked him not to do? i want to have healthy responses for these kids. i don't want to fall on guilt trips...or manipulation...or threats...or yelling to try and exercise some control OVER them. i want us to honor one another as human beings. these are the moments when i just wish that i had the wisdom of various groups of people at my fingertips...ever ready to provide me with the most wise and gentle solution to whatever circumstance has surfaced with these children that requires from me some instruction and guidance. interesting enough...it of course is not that easy. why would it be? we are left with our own processes...to filter out what doesn't seem right in our understanding of things and to search out, in our own gut, what is true and real. all of this can leave one feeling somewhat overwhelmed...a little insecure....but for me, that just leads to greater willingness. i want to be someone who these children trust with all of their hearts. i want to be someone that they crave to share their lives with. i want to be someone they can fall on in any situation. it was today that i awoke to some interesting realizations with this. i am perfectly imperfect. there is no doubt that in some way or another i will help screw up my children. i will not be everything they need me to be. and it starts from the beginning. today i was trying to read a chapter out of my book "Everyday Blessings"....a treasure of wisdom...and asher really wanted to play dinosaurs. for almost five minutes i kept trying to convince him to play by himself or to read one of his books just like mama was doing. i kept pushing it because i was in dire need of some inspiration and some understanding. it wasn't until he gave up on me...slumped down in a dejected slouch and began to walk away from me with his dinosaurs by his side that i felt the lesson of that moment. here i was...reading about how to be a better parent...trying to gain knowledge about how to respond better to my children's needs in the moment...being reminded of how important it is to be AWARE and conscious of the inner journey taking place...when asher was so wisely just asking me to BE. he didn't want me to read about it. he wanted me to DO it. he wanted me to share time with him....to play. he wanted me to take delight in something that makes his soul smile....that makes his light turn on....and i was asking him to please stop wanting me. how horrible did i feel? i put down my book and walked up to him and said "asher i am so sorry for not listening to you. i really would LOVE to play dinosaurs. would you still like to play?" and you know what the really great thing about asher is...he just lit up...like he would have if i'd jumped at the chance to play with him from the start. there was no resentment. there was no hesitation of whether he should play with me or not. he just handed me the big saur and began growling at me with all the fierceness his great big soul could muster up. and then, i growled right back.


Debbie said...

Jess, what a great story and lesson. It is so hard to always see what is right in front of us. As always, I admire your personal reflection and it teaches me something about myself. Being present is the greatest present we can give. See you soon at class!

Nonnie said...

He DOES delight SO in sharing HIS loves with us! That is His gift to us. What makes HIM happy, would surely make everyone else happy too!!! Like you said, that is all he wanted! :)

kristjana said...

That ws beautiful. So many times I've caught myself trying to "distract" my little guy so I can "get things done" when I realize that that little kid walking dejectedly back to his room IS my job!

Thanks for your honesty.

Summer said...

Understanding you can move a mountain is all it takes to make it so. Although its not understanding that creates will. They are separate and complete. As are understanding and knowing. Knowledge is fleeting and imperfect, understanding is more fluid and eternal. However, and more to the point, the snow and the rain have a different understanding of "if" that mountain should be moved. To be the snow and the rain, that would be understanding to its fullest.

Im getting to know you from the inside out. I love that. You are not the only tree in this grove. Our fruit is bountiful.


Simplicity Wins said...

Wow, I am not even a parent and I totally learned something from that! You are a wonderful parent.