4.07.2007

a call to action

I've been wanting to write this post for several days now...but I just haven't mustered up the energy or the courage to articulate what has been on my head and heart. There have been various thoughts floating in and out of me for the past week. Some of them have been fleeting, while others are obviously setting up camp in my head for a while. While they aren't all that comfortable...I always welcome ideas that tend to kick me in the arse and get things rolling in my life. It seems with the combination of my 26th birthday taking place this past Thursday, along with my ever increasing addiction to several mommy blogs out there...I am noticing more and more how the inner landscape of JESSAMYN isn't always well represented in my outer world...in my reality. Funny thing that is. I believe it is a huge cancer to my life....something that only serves to help eliminate parts of my spirit that really outta thrive. I have always felt some kind of resistance to just letting my essence out into the world. I remember journaling in high school about feeling incapable of releasing my wild...the parts that I knew existed within me that often times got suppressed, for whatever reasons...fear of judgement...lack of like minded community...etc. There is always a reason, I suppose, for us holding back...for not making our reality a reflection of what lies within our souls. For various reasons...since I have started this path with my new family...I have allowed for my spirit to starve a little...some parts of it have perished because of it and some are still there...just waiting to be fed. It is time for me to be true to who I am. No matter what. I hesitate to share all of this in blogger land...but I like to be honest about my thought processes and the NEW things taking place in my life. I also know that it can be very rewarding to be vulnerable with people. It is also fitting with the seasons. New life. New beginnings. A vast ocean of growth in front of me. I have always been someone who looks for opportunities to grow. I seek out change. I thrive off of new challenges and opportunities. I always like to try something new. So... this has all been resting on my heart, and since this is my latest place of release...you may be trudging through it all with me if you choose to visit me here! So....26!! It was a weird birthday for me. For the first time in my life I really noticed the number. I am now closer to 30 than 20. Somehow that means something to me. I never thought I would be where I am at 26. I thought that IF I was ever going to get married...it would probably be right about now. But I manifested something else...and here I am. I look back at my 26 years and see a lot of accomplishment...but at the same time I see some missing pieces. One of the biggest fears in my life is to have a heart full of regrets. Not of things that I wish I wouldn't have done because somehow I know that everything happens for a reason...and I like to think that I have, for the most part, had a pretty good head on my shoulders (whatever that means). No...I worry about holding onto things that I wish I WOULD have done. I guess that is what drives my adventurous side...my fly by the seat of my pants-ness! So on this particular birthday...I got to thinking about how I live my life. About the truths that I know in my heart. About the things I would like to learn more about. About how I want to raise my children in this world. About what is really important to me and about the ways I live on auto-pilot, without thinking consciously about their effect on me and the world around me. At the same time as these thoughts resurfaced (they do that about every three months or so)... I found myself intrigued and enlightened by different bloggers out there in cyber space. Especially one in particular(see SouleMama on right). As I read through her blog I discover so many similarities in the things we value, in the way we want to raise our children, in various beliefs, desires, ideals, etc...(granted I don't know EVERYTHING about this beautiful mama....just what she chooses to share on her posts). But I started noticing...HEY...we are kindred in a lot of avenues in life and yet our lives look really different. No two lives are the same...but what I noticed was that the very things I desire for my life and hold in my heart don't always make it into my reality. And then I thought WHY NOT???? Why do I hold back? Because of other people? Because of my own insecurities? Because of lack of communal support? Well...NO more excuses. I want to be ME. So...I presented myself with the challenge of creating a list ( a very flexible and ever-changing list mind you). This list will help represent my intentions for releasing more of my essence into the world for creating more harmony within myself and the world around me. A list of 30 things (since that number was weighing on me on Thursday) that I want to manifest in my life. A list that I can add or subtract from at any given moment. Just a small challenge to create a tangible "somethingness" to all of these longings. Gosh there could be so much more talking here...so much more explaining...but what a novel this post already is. So here ya go.... 30 things before 30 (in no particular order) 1. get really good at guitar, and sing and sing and sing! 2. learn how to sew (to make home-made clothes for my chilies) 3. become an amazing cook that my family raves about! hee hee 4. have one REALLY INCREDIBLE vacation to someplace I have never been 5. take yoga classes 6. continue my blog and see where it takes me 7. adapt simple living in my home and life 8. less TV 9. more walks in nature 10. find an organization i feel good about consistently volunteering my time towards 11. begin homeschooling my children 12. find like-minded communities for support and encouragement 13. further develop my understanding and practice of natural parenting 14. take a few journalism/writing classes 15. create at least 3 fabulous pieces of art that find a home on my walls 16. get doula and childbirth educator certified and start a doula service along with "pregnancy enhancement" practices 17. be more pro-active in learning about different cultures and religions 18. read one book a month (oh how I love books) 19. become better educated in nutrition and organic living 20. plant a beautiful...healthy garden 21. move somewhere green...a place that follows the rhythms of the earth (all FOUR seasons) 22. do some relief work for those less fortunate 23. grow my hair really, really long ( i would say dreads but I think my husband would leave me! just kidding...I really do like that "just washed" feeling) 24. get another tattoo...one that I created myself 25. put more intention into practicing natural medicine with my family 26. create some really fabulous, magical traditions for my family of four on various holidays 27. do more conscious celebrations for earth holidays 28. establish myself as a mindful parent who respectfully raises these children (lots of reading, fun workshops, and loads of going with my gut!) 29. attempt to take at least a handful of breathtaking photos 30. road trips, road trips, road trips I could probably go on and on...but I said I would stop at 30. So...there we have it. Something tangible for me to start with. A few desires to emit from my own self into the outer realms of my life. It's all about intention. Happy Spring to all of you! Happy days of new life and great growth!

4 comments:

Debbie said...

Jess, you are an inspiration. Your connection with who you really are can teach so many of us how to look inside and find peace. I admire your strength for putting your innermost feelings, thoughts and desires on paper (well the 21st century paper). You help remind me that there is more to this life and world than what is first in my brain. A connection to each person and thing we meet is a natural part of life. Thank you for sharing your upcoming journey of life. I can not wait to hear more about it.

Beth said...

you are SO inspiring! i'm terrible with words, but i might just have to write a 30 list as well, ( being as how i just turned 26, too) it is a little wierd being closer to 30 than 20, isn't it?

Jamie Feigner said...

Go for it sister! (cuz 30 will come so much faster than you think! :)

Rebeca said...

Happy Belated Birthday to you! I've enjoyed visiting your blog today. I saw your post on Journeymama and had to come over because I have a 14 year old niece named Jessamyn and I don't come across the name often. I think your list of 30 things is great- go for it!