8.24.2007

this may just be all over the place...and i am ok with that

When I re-read over my last post...I thought to myself "geeze, I must have been really hungry when I wrote that."...more than half of the randomness is about food. really now, how impersonal. maybe someday, someone will tag me again and i can come up with some more juicy material.
On a deeper level...I think perhaps that mirrors a perpetual habit of keeping most people at a distance. you may never guess that about me, but i fear it is true. there is only so much i like to divulge...but if you catch me in a vulnerable mood, than perhaps you might get more than you were looking for. i can be quite a contradiction at times.
we got a new computer...an "old" new computer. i still have to figure out how to get all of my "stuff" off of the old hard drive and onto the new one. oh the thought of losing some of the pictures or the only written memory of my birth with Jo Jo...makes me feel a bit queasy. i am trying to be more aware of my attachments to "things". and OH...those are things that i am sorely attached to. but never-the-less...we have a computer again...which means i am back in blogging action. a little overwhelming at the moment...have you ever noticed that? when you haven't done something in what seems like a looooooooong time (or perhaps you just have NEVER done it)...it is a bit intimidating to get started. but, I am learning that in order for my life to be what i think it is supposed to be... I just have to start doing the things that seem intimidating. one time i got student of the month in high school (isn't that whole idea kind of funny?)...the teacher who nominated me gave me the characteristics of being "noble" and "bold". i would like to live up to those some day.
my blogging break became somewhat of a revelation period for me in several areas. it has been a contemplative few weeks...sometimes peaceful and at other times it felt a explosive and uncomfortable. i figure that is kind of the way that truth shows up in your life...so i am trying to make room for it all....trying to sit with it all....and feeling really excited in some ways about uncovering more of who I am made to be and really coming to know my strengths, my truths, my ideals, my values, and my dreams...oh my dreams.
and somehow, ya know, this is all connected with this little place here...because i started wondering about why i blog...and the answers came out as soon as the questions were asked. it really does serve as a form of therapy for me. it is a place to explore, a place to share thoughts and ideas about things that don't always come up in conversation, it is a space that I have created...where I can create...and where I can express myself in ways that feel right and good. And it is all very connective...and I really like that aspect of all of this. there are tiny threads of empathy being woven into this single blog, just because of what i decide to share and because of how you decide to respond. that...in all reality...is something really quite beautiful...especially for someone like me, who owns an aching pair of wings and who often times feels a bit too "boxed" for her liking. it expands me.
so, I've been doing a lot of thinking...a LOT of journaling...and a good amount of reading. i have spent the better part of these past few weeks just giving space to all that has surfaced in my heart and mind. i haven't recorded much, other than my very personal morning pages. i have gone without taking pictures...without "creating" much...without writing things down here. in essence, i have just been gathered up in the moments that life brings...some of them good...some of them leaving me feeling painfully exposed....but i have only been interested in noticing it all and letting it all wash over me.
i have also been making steps. steps that start aligning, centering, my life with what i value...because when one is discovering more of what she values...it is only natural to want to take some steps. so...i have been sorting through our "things", downsizing...getting rid of stuff. i am trying to hold my ideals in my heart while i go about my days. i am trying to gravitate towards what makes me feel whole. it all kind of circles around this motivation of doing good. and that can encompass a whole lot of things...so maybe i will start dishing them out in future posts. that seems shockingly long for this post, right now.
you know...basically...i just want to be a luminous human being. i want to do good...for myself, for my children, for my community, for human kind, for the earth...
sometimes i fail miserably at it...and sometimes, with divine synchronicity, i catch these rare and fantastic glimpses of my true nature...of the source...of all that is good and wise and healthy and wonderful.
so , for me, right now....it is all about MORE of those moments. and despite my hesitations in sometimes sharing myself here...i think this is a place that brings me into that realm more often than not. so...i think i will continue down this road...allowing the sundry pieces of "me" to hold ground and exist peacefully and anticipating the unique ways that i find inspiration and comfort from being here.
it's good to be back.

6 comments:

Debbie said...

It is good to have you back. I did not realize how much your writing touched me until there was nothing new to read. You touch so many people'e lives, even if you do not completely open up it is not felt in interactions with you. I am glad that your soul searching has been good for you. Welcome back to the computer world (good luck transfering all the valuable "stuff")

Jme said...

Jess ~ I'm glad you're back too. You were beginning to worry me. I know when you don't blog, there's something wrong.:) (besides the fact you didn't have a computer). I think many of us share this common thread of wanting to live up to our true nature and in alignment with all that is important to us. It's very difficult to get back to what truly is our "born" nature due to all the layers that are piled on through our years of living. You have a very clear idea of what this is, the only thing you need to do is take baby steps towards those things and pretty soon you WILL be living that desired life. One day at a time sister...that is all you need to do. Make 1 small change each day. Otherwise this life you are seeking will seem so overwhelming that you won't know where to start.
I have a wonderful idea for Asher and JoJo for Christmas that is in line with your desire for your children. I'm SO excited! :)
Jess ~ I want to talk to you about the hard drive and retrieving your information from it.
I love you and I'm always here for you!

Auntie Vee said...

Welcome back, Jessie Girl, the silence was deafening! Besides, I nearly wore my "clicker"out!!

Cory said...

Jess,
I was pleasantly suprised seeing a new post this morning. Glad your back in action.
I ache for "doing good" too!!! Maybe we can do some research and partner up in a few ways. I would love that sister. You are such a beautiful young woman Jess. You have such great passions for things. I admire that about you. I can also see how incredibly overwhelming it can become when you feel "boxed." You can do wonders in this life time of yours. Keep up that dreaming, but at the same time, don't let it get you down. Jamie is right. Take it a day at a time, baby steps! I love you dear sis.

tia said...

i too am soooooooooooooooo glad that you are back. look at all of the lives you touch with your words, jess. i have truly missed reading about your thouhts. thank you for sharing what you do. you are an amazing woman with so many gifts to share with people in ways that i don't think you understand. everyone struggles with living up to the person they so long to be. i liked cory's idea of teaming up on a few things...wouldn't that be a neat way to connect with people in a different way and hold ourselves responsible for challenging our lives? hmmmm, maybe we could start some type of circle......

Jme said...

Jess, I LLOOOVVEE this picture. It wasn't on there when I checked in last time. It's beautiful! :)