being enough

Me and Asher (and Journey in utero) November 2006
magnificent mystery
incredible life
you open my eyes to magic
already- I am transformed.
you are my perfect creation
the thrill of my soul
most intimate communion
and, yet, a perfect stranger.
I love you
what I can even imagine
what will it be...to look into your eyes
after all this time
what sweetness
abounding dreams
endless love
the most beautiful of all blessings
I wrote this for Asher before he was born. Before I met him face to face...before I smelt him and held him and kissed the slope of his nose. I came across this writing as I was trying to update the journals that I keep for the children.
I've been thinking a lot about this boy. This boy with slender limbs and tiny frame that is seemingly too small for his spirit...that builds tight muscles around the energy that constantly tries to fly away and reach out, in order to keep it contained. I am thinking about how he moves about recklessly and with wild abandon...sometimes stumbling around awkwardly while other times appearing to have the agility of a cat. I am thinking about this boy...about how his love of being rescued drives his play...about his hesitation in trusting in the moments that his heart wants to be brave. I think about his eyes and the way they reflect the constant noise in his mind...how when there is a moment of stillness...his eyes focus and peace rains through. I am thinking of the frequency of his being...the way he wakes me up without having to say a word...just walking in the room. I am thinking of what I knew of his soul during pregnancy...and how I talked with him and what I wished for him. I am thinking of how I became a college graduate, a new student, a woman with child, a wife, and a mother all within the same year. I am thinking of how much that all was for me. I am thinking of the times where there was stillness and security...and the times where my world felt like it was drowning in a sea of uncertainty. I am thinking of how unavailable I must have been to him in his early years...of drowning every once in a while in that sea and feeling like I was bringing him down with me. I am thinking of the complexity of it all and how I resisted my reality and the social connotations of being a wife and mother. I am thinking of how when I just released myself from that hold and looked at him...it all became very simple. I am thinking of the memories that stay with me of his infancy and toddler hood...of how he would get an entire room clapping just by doing it himself...how he would kiss with a wide open mouth and how he wants to press his head tightly up against yours when he hugs. I am thinking of how he likes to touch my neck while he sleeps...wrapping his little hand as far around as possible...like he is afraid he might fly away if he isn't grounded in something.
My mind won't stop...but my typing will. I'll keep on thinking...wondering if I am enough...wishing I could be more for this magnificent mystery.


Auntie Vee said...

That was very beautiful!
On a lighter note, as I always seem to be - when I first looked at the picture - I thought oh my goodness! Asher's belly button is in his butt!

Debbie said...

Once again, your writing touched my heart. You have a way of expressing life that makes everyone feel with you. I think we all have moments or spells in our life when we wonder if we are being enough for everyone we love. But, those that love us love us for all of our moments, both strong and not so much. Plus, I just love those pictures from your pregnancy with Journey! I still feel honored that you let me take them.

daisies said...

so beautiful .... my heart is touched at all the love that shines off your words ... :)

Nonnie said...

That WAS beautiful.

He is SO much of a little being and he has had SO much love from day one. If there ever WERE times you felt you were drowning sweetie, this first little one was definitely afloat with an abundance of love and caring from sooo many. And he, in his quiet moments, reflects all that love that has always surrounded him.

jen said...

what an incredibly lovely tribute. it's so joyous reading about our love for our children, isn't it?

Kimberly said...

Wow! You are a beautiful writer with beautiful children! It is refreshing that you are so open!

Jme said...

This poem is beatiful Jess ~ I so hope to experience feelings such as these some day.

Simplicity Wins said...

Your words are so moving. I already had a good cry today but you gave me a second one. It saddens me that you question yourself. You are such an amazing woman both now and before you had children. The way you are so committed to raising them "untraditionally" is wonderful. Asher is wise beyond his years because of it. He is a full of uninhibited joy and spirit. You are a blessing to many but mostly to your husband and children.

Cory said...

Jess, this poem is sooooo amazing. You really have a way with truly FEELING your experiences. You are such a passionate woman and you wonder where you little bug gets it! You are an amazing mother, sister, never doubt that!!!! I love you.