9.25.2008

where am i going?

Today started off great. There were quite a few things to mark off the "to do" list and we got rolling early enough to avoid the feared for melt down hour. Things went off without a hitch. Well...there were a few hitches. But, I figure if you can count the number of hitches on one hand, you might as well say that it all went off without a hitch. Because, really, that is as good as it gets.
But then emotions ran wild and thoughts went flying and tears started flowing. One of the first places that I thought of turning to was this space. And so, I started asking myself WHY. Why do I blog? Why do I come to this place to divulge, to eliminate, to expand upon? Why?
So, I started dwelling on that tiny little self-inquiry.
Why do I blog?
I came up with, without failure, several reasons why I choose to do express in this way.
*Because it feels good to focus on the positive. This is a place where I can come and relay to myself (and anyone else who happens to be reading my words) the things that I would like to remember. It isn't always "positive", come to think of it, or honky dory. It isn't always a holistic picture of the day, the week, the month...but it IS what is is. A compilation of what I choose to share and it is a place that reminds me to focus on what is good and what is worth remembering during this time.
*Because I find out more about myself in writing here. I do. I have discovered how I process things, through the act of processing. I learn more about what makes me passionate, what I want to learn more about, what inspires me, what I fear, how I learn, what I disagree with, and how to better open myself wide through this online forum.
* I seek connection. This is another way in which to do so. I have gained friends. I have learned language of love and forgiveness. I have been challenged and have seen what it really means to lead life with kindness through the lessons that you all offer. I am offered a wider world through the click of a button.
* I am inspired to be a better person but also to accept my reality for what it is. I am moved. I am breathed into. I am thankful.
* I want to be honest. I want to express as much as I can. I want to learn how to write with dedication and commitment.
I don't view this space as a journal. I think that I used to, but that only created frustration in the fact that I felt I was in a boat that was chained to a tree. There are certain things that I just don't choose to talk about in this place. I don't think this is the best places to tell those stories. Partly, because they are still mid-breath, partly because this is all too raw, too close and I am not quite there yet. Mostly because i have difficulty trusting and I just wanna hang on.
So, today started off good, but than it headed somewhere else and I just kept thinking "how did I get here?".
I couldn't self-induce a time-out...it just wasn't happening for me.
So, tonight, after Josh got home and before he left out the door for the second time...I made my escape with nothing more but a "I'll be home in a little while.".
And so it was.
Although a trip to the local Goodwill and a just as exciting stroll through blockbuster were all good for the de-briefing approach.
There is nothing like a good glass of wine, a long, complex phone conversation with a sister and sneaking in to peak at your sleeping children's faces as they dream in another realm.
It doesn't resolve everything.
But it certainly offers a break.

4 comments:

Nonnie said...

happy you were able to get a little break, sass.....like you said....it may not resolve things, but it can buoy spirits and redirect thoughts and soothe the soul a bit....before a new dawn, when things may look a little brighter.
i love reading your words here, dear daughter.....whatever you have to share.
xoxox

Jeanne said...

Blessings and love and peace.
Love your journal

Annette said...

I love reading your blog, it makes me stop and think about so much in a postive manner. I truley love how you express your self, I cant seem to do that, maybe one day!
you just keep expressing cause I learn....
Hugs
Annette
p.s.
Have I told you this before?....
YOU HAVE AN AWESOME MOM!!!

Lori said...

enjoying your blog tonight - you have a lovely family