1.26.2008

please, someone hold me

" my view "
journey pleading to be held
I've been wanting to be scooped up into giant arms this past week. It's a combination of things, really, and all too easily...I let myself drown in that combination and become miserably upset about the fact that I can't breathe. I actually said these words the other night..."I am just realizing that I am powerless over the fact that there is sadness and suffering in the world." No. This is true. There isn't much I can do about that steady truth. I certainly cannot change it. I can't make it disappear like a rabbit in a hat. I can't let it all float away down a river somewhere. I can't bury it beneath the sand. This week I let myself get all wrapped up in other people's sadness. Sadness that isn't necessarily part of my own story...but sadness that seeped into my heart and took off it's shoes anyway...indicating that it wanted to stay for a while. It wiggled down deep into my core and invited itself over for slumber. I guess that I felt obligated to feed it, you know, since it was already there. So, I did what any good host would do and I gave it plenty of room to feel comfortable. I made sure that it's needs were met and that it enjoyed devouring every tiny morsel of what I set at the table.
I was watching the TV and checking the news at several intervals throughout the day. I was turning around thoughts of how much pain some people must be feeling...and I decided that I would be doing my job "better" if I really tried to put myself in their shoes and tried to experience the same emotions that they might be experiencing over tragedy and loss. I started worrying for people. And then it all just kind of rose up into a catharsis...and then every person in my life that I know to be suffering...well...I thought maybe I should just take on their worries and heartache as well. It really became this energetic crisis for me. I do that. I tend to make blurred the lines of distinction between what belongs to me and what needs to be set free. The world may be in a time of war...and so my heart is too. That kind of gig just wears a mother out. That is why "boundaries" has become an essential part of my vocabulary in the past years. Boundaries are good for a gal like me.
It really hasn't been a week that I could chalk up on the "healthy living" list. I was achy and tearful and just wasn't really willing to let go. Let go of the fact that none of it is something I have any control over. I can't change a thing. I can't stop sadness...and I certainly can't fix what breaks.
Letting go has been a central theme in my life this past week. Well...the past lifetime perhaps. It is an eternal lesson, yes? But...this week it was indeed THE theme of my story. It was what everything was begging to dance to. It was the only way to get that NO VACANCY sign placed up in my core so that the sadness felt the need to cut it's visit short. It was what I needed to be reminded of. I still do.
Let go.
This little piece of inspiration has been stuck to my mom and dad's fridge for several years now. But, after some subtle encouragement from my dad this evening to glance it over again, it suddenly bore new insight for me. It sent a little bit of sunshine into that space where sadness left behind the gloom of despair, where helplessness took breath and invited in hopelessness. It was a place that needed an open window of refreshment. And several little moments have done that for me this week...opened windows, I mean. Visits with my sisters, writing letters and journal entries, turning my mind towards small projects, deciding what things I CAN actually do to help...and then making a commitment to do that, drawing boundaries, and taking breath. This little poem below is giving me so much space.
Let Go, Let Spirit To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else. To “let go” is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences. To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another; it’s to make the most of myself. To “let go” is not to care for but to care about. To “let go” is not to fix but to be supportive. To “let go” is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being. To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their destinies. To “let go” is not to be protective it’s to permit another to face reality. To “let go” is not to deny but to accept. To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
~author unknown
So healthy. I love the healthiness of it. I love the wholeness. I love the space and freedom. I love.
I love to fill up that space with silly, heart filled moments of fun. Which, is just what I needed to do today. So...I did.
And I work to cherish myself in all of it. The sadness, the laughter and the letting go.

josh...letting go

10 comments:

Nonnie said...

you write so passionately, jessamyn...so beautiful.

such a hard but necessary lesson to live....and it does exactly what you said.....gives us space and freedom. glad you were able to give yourself some of those things today.....wish we could have been those giant arms for you this week.....love you,
your mamacita

Alyson said...

I wish we could go to Bali, don't you? Even with that pesky beach kid interrupting. It would be so peaceful. Empty our minds of its hardness and fill it with calm meditation. How can we do this here? I am still trying to figure out how to "let go" without jumping on a plane and traveling the world like our friend Liz. "...on a friggin spiritual journey!" :o) LOL. Hope to see you tomorrow!

Debbie said...

Absolutely beautiful. I am sorry you have had such a heavy heart this week. You care so deeply about the world, it is really inspiring. I think that poem from your parent's house is something we should all read and soak in. Thank you for opening up and sharing. I love the picture of Josh, it is such a beautiful moment captured by you! Would love to see you soon!

Jme said...

I'm glad to read this Jessie. Your seem a little lighter than the last time I saw you. I have had that same poem on my fridge for quite a few years too. It's necessary to re-read it when the heaviness of life presses down on us....or when we want to help, but just have to "let go". I like that it still acknowledges the fact that we care, but just that we can't always make everything better. It's important to focus on what we can do...instead of feeling the despair of things out of our control.
Glad you gave your heart a chance to put up the no vacancy sign. :) I love the photo of Josh....I hope you were laughing together. :)

GG said...

I love the picture of Josh almost as much as I love him! A picture of complete joy. I wonder what caused that expession on his face.

Jessie, I have lived almost 80 years and even though we want to we cannot heal all the hurts of the world and those who live in it. In our own family right now we have members with hurts both physical and emotional and neither you nor I can erradicate those hurts or pains. I do not know what your system is of handling those hurts and pains of others. Each person has their own source of armor for battling the hurts of and wounds of others and ourself. If you could get ahold of todays newspaper and read how a local mother prepared her 3 children all under the age of 10 years for her approaching death from cancer it would be uplifting to you. Sad, yes, but uplifting. I have no idea of what your source of strength is but mine is prayer. It is so relieving to unload my burdens and cares for myself and others in prayer. I haven't attended church for 19 years so I am not a church goer but I do believe in God and Jesus. I am not telling you what to believe in. Believe in whatever works for you, Jessie. But when I arise from prayer I am a different person because I have laid my burden on that higher power with faith that he/she will deal with it when I don't have the personal power to do so. It is a relieving moment! You and I know that we have things happening in our own family now that we would love to be able to cure and heal and erradicate but we don't have the strength nor knowledge to do so. In my life of 80 years it has always been that way and it will be for you too. I realize this advice may not be of any help for you but it has worked for me through 80 years of happiness and turmoil and it is the only thing I have to offer you.

I love you Jessamyn Sara Turgesen Rundio and your little family to which you are so necessary...so I hope you find some remedy for comfort.

Just a note....Several days ago your Mom and I were talking about prayer and she said, "I pray for all of my children every day."

I've always found a mother's advice good to follow.

Love, Grandpa

Cory said...

Love it, Love it, Love it!!!! This hits home sooooo well right now and is so very refreshing. I might just have to post it again on my blog. I cherish you so much jess.

Brittni Turgesen said...

I know you have been feeling deep sorrow this past week! It is hard to be a person that truly soaks in all the feelings and pains of others and situations that exist in this world. I have learned to build a wall around myself in hard situations, tall enough so that I am not lost but short enough so I still taste what is coming through. When I worked at st. Joseph's there was so much sadness and pain that I knew I had to just "let go" of some of what I saw and felt. It was a hard thing to learn but I believe if I didn't I would have lost myself and my happiness and then not be able to help others the way I was meant to do. I love you jess and I also enjoyed reading this post!

Simplicity Wins said...

Your words are so insightful and passionate. You have such an incredibly sweet soul and I love having you in my life. I love your blog, it helps me know your heart better. You are one of the greatest people I know.

daisies said...

:)

bella said...

The desire to be held, embraced by the Great Mother, is universal.
And you are not alone.
Letting go is freedom, that kind of surrender is where we find our true selves.
May you feel held, by your own heart and this earth.