journey pleading to be held
I've been wanting to be scooped up into giant arms this past week. It's a combination of things, really, and all too easily...I let myself drown in that combination and become miserably upset about the fact that I can't breathe. I actually said these words the other night..."I am just realizing that I am powerless over the fact that there is sadness and suffering in the world." No. This is true. There isn't much I can do about that steady truth. I certainly cannot change it. I can't make it disappear like a rabbit in a hat. I can't let it all float away down a river somewhere. I can't bury it beneath the sand. This week I let myself get all wrapped up in other people's sadness. Sadness that isn't necessarily part of my own story...but sadness that seeped into my heart and took off it's shoes anyway...indicating that it wanted to stay for a while. It wiggled down deep into my core and invited itself over for slumber. I guess that I felt obligated to feed it, you know, since it was already there. So, I did what any good host would do and I gave it plenty of room to feel comfortable. I made sure that it's needs were met and that it enjoyed devouring every tiny morsel of what I set at the table.
I was watching the TV and checking the news at several intervals throughout the day. I was turning around thoughts of how much pain some people must be feeling...and I decided that I would be doing my job "better" if I really tried to put myself in their shoes and tried to experience the same emotions that they might be experiencing over tragedy and loss. I started worrying for people. And then it all just kind of rose up into a catharsis...and then every person in my life that I know to be suffering...well...I thought maybe I should just take on their worries and heartache as well. It really became this energetic crisis for me. I do that. I tend to make blurred the lines of distinction between what belongs to me and what needs to be set free. The world may be in a time of war...and so my heart is too. That kind of gig just wears a mother out. That is why "boundaries" has become an essential part of my vocabulary in the past years. Boundaries are good for a gal like me.
It really hasn't been a week that I could chalk up on the "healthy living" list. I was achy and tearful and just wasn't really willing to let go. Let go of the fact that none of it is something I have any control over. I can't change a thing. I can't stop sadness...and I certainly can't fix what breaks.
Letting go has been a central theme in my life this past week. Well...the past lifetime perhaps. It is an eternal lesson, yes? But...this week it was indeed THE theme of my story. It was what everything was begging to dance to. It was the only way to get that NO VACANCY sign placed up in my core so that the sadness felt the need to cut it's visit short. It was what I needed to be reminded of. I still do.
This little piece of inspiration has been stuck to my mom and dad's fridge for several years now. But, after some subtle encouragement from my dad this evening to glance it over again, it suddenly bore new insight for me. It sent a little bit of sunshine into that space where sadness left behind the gloom of despair, where helplessness took breath and invited in hopelessness. It was a place that needed an open window of refreshment. And several little moments have done that for me this week...opened windows, I mean. Visits with my sisters, writing letters and journal entries, turning my mind towards small projects, deciding what things I CAN actually do to help...and then making a commitment to do that, drawing boundaries, and taking breath. This little poem below is giving me so much space.
Let Go, Let Spirit To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else. To “let go” is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences. To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another; it’s to make the most of myself. To “let go” is not to care for but to care about. To “let go” is not to fix but to be supportive. To “let go” is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being. To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their destinies. To “let go” is not to be protective it’s to permit another to face reality. To “let go” is not to deny but to accept. To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
So healthy. I love the healthiness of it. I love the wholeness. I love the space and freedom. I love.
I love to fill up that space with silly, heart filled moments of fun. Which, is just what I needed to do today. So...I did.
And I work to cherish myself in all of it. The sadness, the laughter and the letting go.