"We forget how much our love matters. We think we travel unseen in this world. Actually, we are all acutely aware of each other"
I picked up one of my "living juicy" cards that was scattered across my bedroom floor from a curious toddler, and this quote is what my eyes read. It sent a small wave of comfort over me this morning, just being reminded of the fact that some people hear me...know me...understand me and love me.
I just came down from a weekend of high emotions that escalated on Saturday and found closure on Monday evening. A lot of it had to do with apprehension. Apprehension over whether or not I was making good decisions for my son and apprehension over a scheduled surgery that my dad had Monday evening...and all of it kind of circled around this idea of wellness and healing and medicine. I tend to lean towards a more holistic, naturopathic model of medicine...what some might coin as "eastern" medicine. There are decisions that I made throughout my pregnancies and births that perhaps made some people close to me a bit concerned or uncomfortable or just curious. My decisions concerning my childrens' health care reflect my belief in a more natural approach to wellness and healing...we use homeopathy, massage, essential oils, herbs and the like as our first resource of wellness. This isn't to say that we never use western medicine or Tylenol...because we do on occasion. In fact...my husband wouldn't be able to live without western medicine and pharmaceutical drugs. His "pancreas" is housed outside of his body in a small device that administers insulin into his system all day long. Without it...he would suffer a diabetic comma. My dad just endured major surgery Monday evening...the second major surgery for him in the past three years. I am so thankful for the skill and the knowledge that enables people to perform this kind of intervention when necessary...and in both cases for my dad...it was. Where would we be in situations like that without an option for hope and health? I know that whatever would enable this amazing man to continue down his life path in order to scatter more of his goodness into this world...I would be the first to encourage it! I am thankful for the technology and skilled hands that lead us to a place of wellness and life.
So, although I hold beliefs that often differ from what is considered "mainstream" health care...I have great respect for what Western medicine can bring to the table as well. I often think about the gap that tends to exist between holistic and medicinal health care. I wonder about how each of them is interpreted by the other. I think of ways to bring about greater awareness and how to be a part of the construction of building a bridge between conventional and alternative trains of thought.
After struggling to find answers to some important questions that I had concerning Asher last Friday...and after growing incredibly frustrated with the lack of communication and the Miscommunication taking place within my pediatricians office...after being told that I was in a dangerous situation and that there was great urgency in making a certain decision...after never finding the solution that I was desperately searching for...and after being rushed into a busy office after finally deciding on something that was against my instinct in the first place...I experienced the type of thing that leaves you feeling like you were blindsided. I walked away from it all feeling as if something important to me...my CHOICE...was taken from me because of that very gap that I spoke of earlier. I didn't know what my options were...I didn't know what resources were out there for this specific situation...I didn't understand what the BEST decision was.
In the end...we do what we can with what we know. We make the best decisions that we are capable of making and we move on with it. I understand this...and really the disconnect was not ONE persons "fault". I learned a lot this weekend...it is so important to ask questions...and more questions...and even though you have already been told a certain answer...ask the questions again. I learned to communicate better...with my husband...with nurses...with administrative assistants. I learned that I should be better prepared for situations that can arise...more research should be done and I need to figure out exactly where I stand on some of this stuff concerning my children's health care. I learned that I should follow my instinct and that I have a pretty good guide...if I would just LISTEN sometimes. I learned how very important it is for everyone to do their job thoroughly and kindly...and that when we make judgements on one another...it only serves to get in the way. But perhaps the biggest lesson I learned from all of it is that I need community. I need a community of people that I can call on to provide me with resources and referrals and information that I can't find on my own. I need some voices that tell me what I need to hear and that offer different solutions to the problem at hand. I need ears that hear my concerns and that not only understand but also have the knowledge to talk it through with me. I need to reach out and connect and bring about greater balance in my life when it comes to this wellness path. All too often...I feel like I am swimming upstream and that I have a lot of loving, supportive people around me...but that I don't have anything to cling to. So...I have been reaching out...and have been met with some really great reception. A friend of mine called me this morning to get advice on natural childbirth and to ask for my thoughts on home birthing...our conversation led to naturopathic pediatricians and she had a list of names to give me. I also met with a woman today about cloth diapering supplies and she just so happened to hold a wealth of ideas as to different groups she thought I would like to be a part of. That is the kind of synchronicity that I love...the kind that bubbles up around me in moments when I need it the most...reminding me that I am seen...I am heard...I am loved. And showing me people who may need to be reminded of the same thing...
Isn't that something we all want...no matter what side of the situation we stand on?
So, today I take that truth with me...and use it as I may to reach out and bridge the gap.