10.19.2007

the need for safety

asher inside the fort we made...just in case we need to "hide"

We made this fort yesterday...mostly because asher loves to hide. I have been wanting to set up some kind of permanent "safe spot" for him in our home, and haven't discovered the just-right spot yet...and so...I thought a temporary one outside would do for the time being. We also made it because the mama of the house was feeling a bit sad...and there is nothing like a fort to help you feel safe and cozy. I have been processing a movie that I saw recently. One that touched me in a way I was unprepared for. One that left me searching through thoughts about life and death...and the "mistakes" we make...and whether or not there really ARE such things as mistakes at all...and my feelings on family and what it means to have a true love...and sadness and loneliness. I was sent into my own fears of having regrets and into facing regrets I do already have, and I was reminded of how much I want to be bold in this lifetime...to have confidence in myself and my decisions. My mind would settle in on the people that I know...and even those I haven't yet met...who are enduring different struggles in their lives. And so...it seemed like a fort would be a nice place to sit with all of that...and forget about some of it and just trust the process of life with my two babes...who so instinctively do that in their own lives.

And it looks like we will be spending a lot more time in this fort in the next few weeks...trying to keep Asher still and "hiding" from the constant desire to run and jump and play hard. Asher sliced his knee last night after falling down directly onto a metal brace that was connecting a pole to the concrete of the patio. It was a really deep cut...and after looking at it...I immediately knew that we would be making a trip to Urgent Care. It was a horrific experience for me...and for Asher. And I won't go into great detail, except to say that I was denied my request to have Asher sit with me through the ordeal. Instead, I had to endure a clinging, crying child being pried from my arms by forceful, though well-intentioned hands...and had to watch as he was velcroed into a tight cocoon with his arms pinned to his side...screaming and pleading for them to let him out. The experience in it's entirety was so traumatic...and I did not enjoy being robbed of my choices...I can't imagine what Asher was feeling through it all. It was the hardest thing I have had to watch in terms of one of my children going through pain and fear and heartache. I always wish that in those scary times where it is really hard for a child to understand and trust what is going on...that they would be met with a staff of people who understand their sensitivity and perspective. And maybe...it just doesn't happen that way for efficiency sake or whatever...it just feels invasive and aggressive...and I wasn't even the one going through the ordeal! But, despite my discontent with our experience there...two hours, six stitches and a knee brace later...we were walking out the door (some of us)...and on our way to get some yummy ice cream.

So now today we are visiting our pediatrician to get a tetanus shot...something I am not looking forward to for several reasons...and I don't know exactly how to go about preparing Asher for the experience.

I just want to get it over with...and come home and crawl into our fort together.

15 comments:

Debbie said...

Oh Jess, my heart is breaking for you and Asher. I can only imagine what you were feeling. Thank goodness he is okay. I hope the doctor appointment goes well today and the refuge of your new fort starts to heal both your hearts (and Asher's knee!) Call if you need ANYTHING!

cassie said...

poor bug-a-boo and mama....my healing thoughts are going out to both of you.

Cory said...

Oh the picture in my mind of this ordeal makes me teary eyed. For Ashers sweet soul and for a mama's protective spirit. Not something I would want to go through. Asher Bug I love you!!!!

Brittni Turgesen said...

I got teary eyed too! Something I never want to go through! Sometimes when people work in the health care long enough, it is more of a job to get things done rather then taking the time to give a little comfort. It is to bad that Asher had to experience that. I think I would have said a thing or two of what was on my mind. You are a strong momma staying in the room. I don't think I could have watched. I love you jess and am proud of you.

Brittni Turgesen said...

Oh yeah, we want to come over and hide in your fort! It looks nice, cool, and cozy!

Auntie Vee said...

Poor Asher! Vets are more compassionate than that with animals! I remember when I broke my arm at 8 yrs and how traumatic it was. The ether or whatever made me have this horrific nightmare and when I came to, about 6 people were holding me down.
I always loved forts as a child and it was our greatest passtime building them.

Blake & Andrea said...

so sorry to hear about Asher's difficult injury - and your feeling helpless! my niece had to be put in that cocoon thing after splitting her forehead open and it was awful! the hardest part is that it seems like time stands still because of the pain and the experience. Have you ever watched or read "the secret" if not you should, it's wonderful and it has such a wonderful message! hope you have a restful weekend.

Jme said...

Poor little dude! I can honestly say I know what Asher went through. When I was 3, the same thing happened to me (I was getting stitches above my eye), and had to be strapped down without my mama. I VIVIDLY remember this incident, it was very traumatic for me. I'm sure it was for Asher too, but...I survived and I know Asher will too. Plus he'll have one heck of a story to tell!! :)
Sorry you had to go through that too. My bet is that it's harder on the mama than it is on the babe. :)I hope you're doing okay...I hope you're ALL doing okay now.
Love you!

Nonnie said...

Little did we know what an ordeal THAT would be! Just glad that is behind him (and you) and now just the stitches (spiders) :) I was so proud of how he did with that little splint today. Playing in the little house and just dragging his little leg.......and being such a sweet sport about it all. Bless his little heart!

Sara said...

wow..so this made get all emotional as I have experienced long hospital stays with Griffin. Especially with the holing him down for IV's and other treatment, it was excrutiating for my spirit. I am so glad that I have plunged ourselves into "non traditional" medicine and healing because it is working for Griffin and he is treated with so much more compassion than I have experience in hospital settings. I guess stitches don't work in that case unfortunately. But the blessing is that they recover quicker than we ever think that they will. Thinking about you guys...

Simplicity Wins said...

Poor Asher. I am glad he is on his way to recovery. Good thinking with the ice cream, that had to help a little. I know it always helps me. Your little fort is a great idea. I want to come play in it with you guys.

Simplicity Wins said...

That movie looks wonderful. I would love to bring it to the cabin with me this weekend and watch it. Maybe I will have to stop at blockbuster on my way out of town.

Beth said...

i can COMPLETELY relate! this is one of the hardest things you could go through as a mommy! but you are so brave, and so is asher! i'll be praying for that little knee, and your heart, to heal soon.

amanda said...

Oh, no! Poor Asher. My heart really goes out to both of you. I wish him a quick recovery. Hugs to you for being the mama through all of this.

daisies said...

oh honey ... my heart reaches out to you, i remember when my aiden split his lip open (he was only one at the time) and we had to make the trip for stitches, it was so *tears* ... warm healing hugs!!

i saw that movie on the weekend after we returned home, it still haunts me deep inside ~ love to you, xox