finding rhythm in the madness

loads of ideas have been entering and exiting and re-entering my mind in the recent past. the struggle has become knowing what to pursue and then creating the time in which to do it. i have come into the realization that i must learn to create and to dream and to aspire...all in the reality of my world...in the fact that I don't have a moment to myself...that there are mouths to feed and bodies to dress and books to read and teeth to brush and minds to teach and all needs to be met. it doesn't leave much room for the time i so crave in which i can explore and experiment and discover new creative avenues. i have been thinking a lot about that and how it is in these moments of providing that i need to call upon that raw energy....that desire of mine to unleash something inspiring and beautiful. these moments that have started to become our rhythm...the early morning footsteps towards the side of my bed where i am greeted with an energetic "hi mama!" as he climbs into bed with me...waking up journey who is at my side...causing her to greet the day with exuberant enthusiasm because she is just so darn happy to be with her loved ones. That kind of simplicity is something i am constantly learning from. And then there are the quiet moments in the morning where my babes and i sit down for breakfast and talk and giggle and make plans for the day. The day comes and most of it is a blur of a baby hanging on my legs....a "to do" list that never gets done....a few spontaneous adventures outside or to a park or an exciting date of play that we have planned out and waited for. the day brings plenty of chaos and discord...there are tears shed every day over toys and games and things not going exactly the way we want them to. there are moments of hysteria...meltdowns...exhaustion that brings about crazy emotions that fly around and break and explode and eventually come to calm...usually in the arms of mama. So, this is where I have been...with the chaos that sends me to the edge and with the calm that brings me right back into the this house...with these children...at this moment. i am discovering more and more in this journey of parenthood that rhythm is so necessary and good. it may be taking me longer than most...as my mind and life always have seemed to be a clutter of randomness and change...comfort coming from the truth that nothing stays the same. but i am looking for ways to bring a deliberate ebb and flow, wax and wane, into the ambiance of our lives.
with that in mind, i have been quite surprised at what kind of rhythm already exists in our house...the rituals that are instinctive and special because that are ours alone and they work specifically with the unique dynamics of our own family...bringing to us little bits of peace and comfort in a world that can feel so large and endless...helping each other to create a place for ourselves amidst that kind of uncertainty. all of this speaks to me not only in my role as mama...but also in a way that provides order to my always dis-assembled mind...where desires and ideas fly about with wild abandon...giving birth to intuition and creative pursuit...but lose motion when trying to find place in my life...where there is much responsibility and an even greater amount of love for these humans that are in my care. and i find that it is about knowing where i am...and acknowledging what i am capable of...and taking the small steps each day that project my life in the direction that i would like to be going...slowly, perhaps...but moving none-the-less with the rhythm and music of each new day.


cassie said...

loving this entry. it is your truth in this world that makes you important, jess, and there is nothing greater than to teach that to those you love and who love you.

Cory said...

Jess I feel like I can relate all to well with this post. Balance among mommyhood, babies and individuality is so difficult! When it comes down to it individual wants and desires are the first to be sacrificed. I am finding more and more that when I embrace this reality I am pleasantly suprised at what opens up to me. One day at a time sister. I love you!!!!

Debbie said...

Jess, this was such a beautiful post. You have described the hardest and most wonderful thing about motherhood in your writing. You are raising such amazing little beings who embrace the world with the same enthusiasm their mama does. Now, that is something to be proud of! Embrace your reality each day and cherish those amazing moments that you have.

Nonnie said...

beautiful, jess! i can't add much more than what has already been said. it's a struggle.....but it won't always be this all consuming. these days pass quickly and like you said, the simplicity of moments that melt our hearts and nourish our souls also bring fulfillment to our days.

GG said...

I absolutely love the photo of Asher and his shadow. That picture takes me back to 1935 when I was in the first grade in Young,AZ (Pleasant Valley). The teacher gave each one of us a copy of the book "A Child's Garden Of Verses", by Robert Louis Stevenson. I still have a copy (not that particular copy though). We had a Valentine's Day presentation for our parents and this poem was memorized and recited by one of the first graders:

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He's very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me,when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow---
Not at all like proper children,which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.

He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me,he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!

What memories!! And to think that after 72 years my beautiful Asher and his shadow cause me to relive that Valentine's Day in 1935. GG

Jme said...

Yes Jess, it's important to take steps, no matter how small or big. It's only when we're completely idle that is cause for concern. You take steps everyday...I see it. You are a wonderful mama, sister and friend. You are doing a wonderful job in this life ~ don't ever doubt how high you can fly. I love you...

Sara said...

Wow, this post really pulls at my heart strings. I seem to have this conflict inside of me trying to understand the sacrafices Tim is making by being the only one "working", but the ones that I have made by taking a step out of the "world" and into the life I am in now and how pieces of me have seemed to vanish along with that former self, but trying to realize that I am still me just in a different aspect.

Blake & Andrea said...

you said it best, it's been something I've been thinking but couldn't explain... being a mother is so rewarding/challenging and the thought of not ever experiencing it makes me wonder what kind of person I would be today if not a mom! being that it took me 2.5 years to get pregnant and never knowing why scared me that I'd miss out on something I wanted my whole life, so at times when I try to figure out who "I" am and then quickly get side tracked with a daily task I try to embrace each moment weather happy, sad or frustrating and smile knowing I was blessed enough to have a baby. You are darling! oh and where is that park at that you took those cute pictures of your kids at?? have a good weekend!

daisies said...

this is so beautiful and you have created such an amazingly beautiful display of beauty, these photos are incredible and this post leaves me feeling peaceful and joyous; refreshed and clear ... beautiful you. xoxox

Harris Family said...

Hey Jessamyn! Your babies look like they are having so much fun! I love reading you're new posts, its always so much more that a family update and it is inspiring to read!

Auntie Vee said...

I love these pictures. I think if I had created these beautiful little munchkins.....I would probably sit back and think I was done! Ha!

Hamguin said...

It amazes me, Jess, that you find the time and energy to even *think* about the possibilities in your life, and where you can engage your creative self while also being the shepherd of those adorable little lambies playing in the water.

The magic in having children--I have four daughters--is in the expansion of your life. It feels like a contraction at first while you have such little ones, but you will soon see what I mean. Your world will grow so rapidly over the next few years!