loads of ideas have been entering and exiting and re-entering my mind in the recent past. the struggle has become knowing what to pursue and then creating the time in which to do it. i have come into the realization that i must learn to create and to dream and to aspire...all in the reality of my world...in the fact that I don't have a moment to myself...that there are mouths to feed and bodies to dress and books to read and teeth to brush and minds to teach and all needs to be met. it doesn't leave much room for the time i so crave in which i can explore and experiment and discover new creative avenues. i have been thinking a lot about that and how it is in these moments of providing that i need to call upon that raw energy....that desire of mine to unleash something inspiring and beautiful. these moments that have started to become our rhythm...the early morning footsteps towards the side of my bed where i am greeted with an energetic "hi mama!" as he climbs into bed with me...waking up journey who is at my side...causing her to greet the day with exuberant enthusiasm because she is just so darn happy to be with her loved ones. That kind of simplicity is something i am constantly learning from. And then there are the quiet moments in the morning where my babes and i sit down for breakfast and talk and giggle and make plans for the day. The day comes and most of it is a blur of a baby hanging on my legs....a "to do" list that never gets done....a few spontaneous adventures outside or to a park or an exciting date of play that we have planned out and waited for. the day brings plenty of chaos and discord...there are tears shed every day over toys and games and things not going exactly the way we want them to. there are moments of hysteria...meltdowns...exhaustion that brings about crazy emotions that fly around and break and explode and eventually come to calm...usually in the arms of mama. So, this is where I have been...with the chaos that sends me to the edge and with the calm that brings me right back into the this house...with these children...at this moment. i am discovering more and more in this journey of parenthood that rhythm is so necessary and good. it may be taking me longer than most...as my mind and life always have seemed to be a clutter of randomness and change...comfort coming from the truth that nothing stays the same. but i am looking for ways to bring a deliberate ebb and flow, wax and wane, into the ambiance of our lives.
with that in mind, i have been quite surprised at what kind of rhythm already exists in our house...the rituals that are instinctive and special because that are ours alone and they work specifically with the unique dynamics of our own family...bringing to us little bits of peace and comfort in a world that can feel so large and endless...helping each other to create a place for ourselves amidst that kind of uncertainty. all of this speaks to me not only in my role as mama...but also in a way that provides order to my always dis-assembled mind...where desires and ideas fly about with wild abandon...giving birth to intuition and creative pursuit...but lose motion when trying to find place in my life...where there is much responsibility and an even greater amount of love for these humans that are in my care. and i find that it is about knowing where i am...and acknowledging what i am capable of...and taking the small steps each day that project my life in the direction that i would like to be going...slowly, perhaps...but moving none-the-less with the rhythm and music of each new day.