i need words.
i have a lot of junk to sort through in my mind, and i need to write.
the thoughts are all getting too loud and they need to breathe.
after this, i will slip back into the quietude of december views...where occasionally i have posted a few images of our december moments.
i had a dream last night.
someone gifted my family with a video game system.
i think it was a wii.
i think i can count myself among the minority of this country who would dream about being gifted with a wii, only to wake up and call it a nightmare.
it was sort of a nightmare for me.
i got all anxious and unsettled that there was a wii in my home.
i think that is kind of funny, because seriously,
it got me very anxious.
i went shopping yesterday.
for the first time all month.
my ability to juggle working and planning for the holidays and being present with my children is a work in progress.
i totally forgot about gifts...or i just put them off because i didn't realize how fast the days were slipping by.
so my handmade pledge has gone by the wayside this year...and yesterday, I shopped.
it didn't feel good.
i always wonder why we do this.
i understand the pleasure of giving.
i understand the joy in watching my children open presents in excitement.
i just get turned off when i go out in our consumer driven world and get gobbled up by the energy of it all.
i just really should have shopped on etsy earlier this month, and i wish i would have brought to fruition all the thoughts of what i could make myself.
and in the midst of all the "should haves", i can see (and hear) my children taking note of the consumer driven aspect of the holiday season.
and i don't really know exactly how to approach it all in wisdom and gentleness.
i suppose enhancing the experiences of meaning is important.
this year, instead of drawing names for the family i was born into, we decided to give that money to a family that we are tied to who is going through very difficult times.
i feel good about where all of that giving is going.
i also love being able to gift the children in my life with treasures i know they will enjoy.
the rest of it, eh.
it just isn't what makes the season sing.
my heart is hanging on the truth i know of people struggling so much.
some worlds away, and some not so far.
i am reminded of how much MORE i can do with this life of mine.
and how, really, truly...how very lucky i am.
it was raining so hard the other night and it was c.o.l.d.
i walked out to my backyard and watched the rain and saw how beautiful it was and stopped and really had a moment of huge thankfulness that we had shelter and warmth and that my kids were tucked away in a bed with blankets and that i didn't have to worry about them at all in that way.
i know there is complexity to every situation.
i think i am just aching for the simple things in life.
i dream up these escape plans in my head and picture the work i could be doing and also wish so deeply that my children (and myself) could come close to areas of the world that are so different than ours and learn just how little we need.
even though i may think we don't have very much on the spectrum of this society.
really, we have the world.
we have each other.
perhaps i am being a bit of a scrooge.
i have a slight case of the grumblies today.
but i needed to air my thoughts, i need to sort them out a bit and act on what i can...and move on with it all.
today we are going to string cranberries and popcorn for the outdoor tree, paint a birdhouse and make bird feeder ornaments to hang for solstice tomorrow.
i am hoping for a quiet, cozy weekend with my little family in celebration of this time of year.
i take a deep breath.
i will decide to focus on what brings me joy.
little, tiny, thoughtful things.
edited to add!
go read this.
it is the most kindred piece i have read in a long time.
she spins magic with words.