3.12.2007

pass the butter, please

So...it has been one of "those" days for me. I actually have them quite a lot and it always reaffirms my belief that none of this parenting stuff comes all that natural for me. This gig is not for wimps. Whether you are a stay at home dad, a stay at home mom, a work outside the home dad or mom...it doesn't matter. This stuff is for real. Not that today was all that difficult. We had a great morning. Josh actually got to leave late for work so it was nice to have him stick around for a while, even though it may have put us a little off kilter as far as our "routine" is concerned (yes those words just came out of MY mouth...who'd a thought, huh?). We had breakfast, we watched Sesame Street, we read books, we rocked, we nursed, we played with our "saurs" as usual. We even mustered up the energy to take a little trip down to my sister's shop, Uptown Girls Downtown Boys, to oooh and aaaaah over what just may be the cutest kids clothes in the universe. We even treated ourselves to the artery clogging goodness of Wendy's chicken nuggets and fries. Good day, right? Right. But somewhere along the way...my mind started to wander. I know exactly when it was actually. On the way home from the shop I saw a young 20 something guy walking along the side of the road with a back pack full of his every belonging I am assuming. Yep...that is when I got lost in my own series of "what ifs". So, I started down the path of wondering what if....I wouldn't have started this life as a mom. Where would I be? What would I be doing. Treking through Europe with a back pack full of all of my essentials....learning the joys and hardships of simplicity, of being a lone explorer in a world full of beauty and sadness. Would I be in Africa serving in the Peace Corps, building wells and homes for people that never have known the "luxurious" lifestyle of indoor plumbing, running water, or electricity to name a few. Would I be in an eclectic city, working at a coffee shop exploring my creative nature to new heights and lengths? Really...where would I be? I have a very enticing set of wings. I wouldn't say that they are extra big or really all that sturdy...but there isn't a day that goes by that they don't remind me that they exist. They like to get used...they like to take test runs. They even like just taking off without knowing where they might take me to. I really like my wings. The only problem is that I feel that during this time in my life....during these amazingly important years in my childrens' lives...I need to use my roots a little bit more than I am accustomed to. Roots, wings...it is a never ending quest to find balance with these juxtaposing realities in my life. Some days...I like the roots. I enjoy developing more organization in my life...more consistency...more foundation. Other days...I ache to use my wings...to take them out for a spin and to say "adios" to stability. Reality is...the chillins' need stability and then so do I. I am amazed to watch the difference in Asher's behavior when we set and stick to a routine throughout his days. He needs it. He wants it. He is free to learn from it. So...as a parent who has made the decision to be with these children day in and day out...I struggle. Not that I know exactly what I would rather DO. I mean what holds more value in this world than shaping and teaching the next generation of humans? Is there anything? There are immeasurable ways in which to do this...not just through having and raising children as a parent. But since these souls chose me to be their mother...I take that trust very seriously and want to be everything that they need me to be. Right now...I think they need me to explore my roots and ability to ground myself. Right now....I think they need from me what I struggle to find within myself...they need me to be a rock. I know that down the road they will most likely need me to help them find their wings. They will need me to take them on some serious adventures...they may just need me to be the gypsy that I am at heart. Who knows? I just have to TRUST the process of life and know that I am exactly where I need to be. The grass is always greener anyway...isn't it? There are great big blessings that come from this life I am living. And I can tell you one thing for sure...I have never in my life been challenged to dig deep in the ways that I have the past three years. I mean it...this is some really intense stuff! So it wasn't all that rare for me to come home...to sink into the relief of having both children sleeping soundly...to take a hot shower...to put on my comfies and to sit in front of the computer with a head full of ponder, a heart full of longing and an undeniable urge to blog about it all. But it was just too much. I wasn't going to go there. So I get up and decide to reintroduce myself to the cinnamon strudle bread that I made this morning. I cut a slice, heat it up and reach inside my recently stocked fridge to find the butter. I open the lid and there, so delicately carved with a butter knife are the words " I LOVE YOU". Deductive reasoning only left one culprit for this. It had to be that one of a kind guy in my life, Josh. It was so simple, yet it left me with a clean mind. I just sighed away everything else that was occupying my life at the moment and sat there smiling at the butter (seriously...it was probably a pathetic sight to see). It gave me the ever so vital piece of thankfulness for the things in my life that "tie" me down. Really now....who would have done that for me in the Peace Corps?

6 comments:

Nonnie said...

You have such an amazing gift for words Jessamyn! Quite a gift to be able to make someone "feel" your day.
It has been said that there are two lasting bequests we can give our children; one being roots and the other is wings.
Then, YOU, in turn, just like you are doing, must determine what to use when! :) Your children will do the same, lucky to receive both.
What a great ending! Such a simple gesture, but what a tremendous impact. Just what you needed! :) Yeah Josh!

Beth said...

I just LOVE to read your blog. you are such an amazing writer. if only i could put my thoughts into words like that! you can take something so simple as the day in the life of a mommy and make it sound SO beautiful! You truly are gifted!

Jamie Feigner said...

I felt the emotion welling and welling until a single tear rolled down my cheek and brought me back to my desk at work. I realized I had been re-living your day with you and enjoying each second of it. What a wonderful thing to find in the butter tub! Your words reminded me of the thought that "the grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it. "
So true....

Cory said...

Jess,
You are a beautiful woman. Reading this made me well up inside too. I find myself struggling with and longing for some of the same things as well. The way you express your feelings is truly amazing and I thank you for sharing yourself. What a reminder of how important "the small things" are as well as how blessed we are to have those people in our lives. I love you sister!!!

Brittni Turgesen said...

Jess, I really enjoy looking and reading what you post, it allows us to feel like we have experienced what you have! This post made me cry, I know that this is something that you struggle with in your life and have really felt your longings to fly. It is amazing how the smallest act can make a person feel so secure and happy. What a wonderful post!

GG said...

Jessie, this is one of the most beautiful writings I have ever read. The "I LOVE YOU", carved in the butter tub by Josh made me cry!
These wonderful essays are begging to be published!

I am so proud of you, Jessie. Grandpa GG