dig it.

we had a lovely weekend. i felt very weary and tired by friday evening and woke up saturday feeling totally sick. luckily, josh took the babe when we woke up early in the morning and let me sleep in. my body is in some serious need for rest. i am slowly catching up on the weekends as much as possible. this weekend was pretty slow, which was very healing. mmmmmmmm. i was doing my best to clean up the backyard by saturday afternoon. the dirt. oh, the dirt! my kids are outside a LOT these days with this amazing, beautiful "winter" weather. which means my house is filled with dirt. our backyard is all dirt. totally wonderful for the senses...but it requires a lot of broom action indoors. my kids walk around like "Pig-Pen" from Peanuts. seriously. asher waked in the house today, COMPLETELY covered in dirt and said "I was just in a dust storm". he had shut himself in the hot house and started throwing dirt around, trying to see if it would all stay inside without the outside air blowing it around. :) needless to say. i vacuum and sweep what feels like a ridiculous amount. over the weekend, josh also helped asher with a pretty cool project. they created a dig site in our backyard. asher helped with turning the soil, measuring the site, determining how many stakes would be needed for the site, and then hammering the stakes and roping them off. next up...we are going to bury his fossil collection within the dig site where he can dig up fossils, brush them off and record them in details in his very own fossil log. he will be able to record what the fossil looks like and where he found it within his site. it was wonderful to see josh so active in a project with one of his children. yum. :)

asher, showing me a trick with his shovel. :)

tonight, asher went to a lab night for the local paleontological society. :) he is such a fossil lover. they meet once a month and he has joined them for the past 3 months or so. he digs it (no pun intended) and has a wonderful time getting the hands on experience with fossils. the first night he went, he got to take home his very own fossil. he has that in his room, displayed with all of his other fossil finds. tonight, they were searching for pieces of egg shell within mounds of dirt, i guess. i have yet to go with asher to one of these meetings. josh takes him and i stay with journey and babe while they are away at lab night. :) i guess they are looking for what is believed to be the first eggshells ever found in AZ. asher thought he saw a piece of eggshell in a chunk of dirt and was diligently working away on a certain rock with his microscopic goggles and tooth brush. asher, the paleontologist.

monday was fairly challenging.... but with that came one of the most powerful conversations i have had with asher in a long while. i like to think that i have evolved enough to know that the hard stuff helps me recognize the flow when it happens. like when journey wakes me up with an excited "it is morning, mama! see the light? can i go outside and blow my bubbles? it is a GOOD day for bubbles!". and then i say yes. that is flow. that is good. that is worth all of it.

digging in.

the day started early, as usual. kodiak woke us all up with his love for the mornings. i wish we could all wake up so hopeful and renewed as a new baby. they are in complete love with being alive. so refreshing. we had a quick breakfast and headed out to art class. the kids are really enjoying this new class. i have been so amazed at journey's attention span and asher's effort with drawing. good, good stuff they are exploring here. we trekked home and decided to plant some seeds because the outdoors were calling us. as soon as we stepped outside, we noticed the wind was rustling the dried leaves in our neighbors backyard. a big gust sent something swirling over the back of our fence. i am not kidding you...it was an abandoned planting pot of the plastic variety. how is that for a message from the universe? asher told me he wanted to use the pot that "the universe gave us" to plant his seeds. we thought it was a really cool gift. we planted some calendula and basil and some wild flowers. we are also going to try to grow a cotton plant after we visited a cotton field and harvested a couple of pods to bring home.

we aren't anticipating any low drops in temperature, but we are using the hot house that papa built us just because. :) he intended it to be our chicken coop but then we found out that our neighborhood doesn't allow backyard chickens. so many rules... but we like our hot house and i am hoping to start some tomato plants in there this weekend. any other ideas on what we should grow in there? i am really wanting to have a community garden planting party in my backyard for part of my 30th birthday celebration in April, so i am wanting to get some things started to transplant by then.

of course, the watering of the plants led to other things... this is a picture of asher's creation. a lake, a river, a delta, the ocean and a swamp. after talking a little bit about deltas, he wanted to go do some "research" on prehistoric animals that lived in deltas. googling videos on this eventually led us to some clips of "River Monster's Unhooked" which just so happens to be his favorite show ever, right now. in fact, since checking out a River Monster's Unhooked DVD from the library last week, this show has been a part of our daily rhythm. ;)

Journey loves to get muddy. She even likes to do it while wearing pearls.

We got washed up and took Asher to gymnastics, where he is having a blast and learning more about what his body is capable of doing. He is a total natural at the core strength type stuff. I love watching his skills increase and his confidence slowly creep forward in regards to accomplishing new tricks that he has put some effort into practicing. Before he started practice, I asked him if he wanted some water to drink. He said "no. i just swallow my spit. that is how i am able to survive long periods of time without water." cool. there were a couple of thoughts today that made me smile. on the way to gymnastics, journey saw a herd of cows moving in the same direction as they grazed. journey: "look! cows that are migrating!" asher: "uh, journ. those cows can't be migrating because, uh, there's a fence there." good thoughts at breakfast... asher: "mama, guess what? the earth is more than just where we live and it is more than just another planet. guess what else it is?" me: "what else?" asher (in passionate tone): "it is a big ball of LIFE". and then, while driving to gymnastics... asher: "mama, guess what?" me: "what my love"? asher: "the earth is always changing" me: "yes, it is!" asher: "and so is the ocean. and sometimes, they change at the same time." me: "mmmhmmm" then he went on to explain to me how islands are formed ( "like Hawaii") from volcanoes that erupt under the sea. asher: "do you know where i learned that from?" me: "nope, i'm not sure. where?" asher: "from ms. frizzle. she knows EVERYTHING!" journey: "but YOU don't know everything, mama". me: "nope! you got that right!" :) asher: "well a lot of people know a lot about a lot of different things, so those people probably actually helped make the film with ms. frizzle in it". ha! up next...we just might try our hand at film making. ;)

just be yourself.

i am doing a poor job of taking photos during our days. i forgot to take a picture of the "swamp" that they made in our backyard but it brought up some good conversations about habitats. :) we had a wonderful day at home (the first in a while) a couple of days ago...where we cleaned, played, practiced writing and then prepared for our book club the next morning by reading a Magic Treehouse book about Mt. Vesuvius and Pompeii. I am beginning to understand a little bit better about how things are going to roll around here. I popped Kodiak in the Moby, stood in the middle of the room while i swayed him to sleep at the same time I read the book to Journey and Asher. Moments like this, though seemingly insignificant, bring about a great sense of accomplishment during these days of craze and adjustment. :) Yesterday we met with our home school group for a little book club activity. It was so nice because we met at the big park in our neighborhood. I love not having to drive because sweet Kodiak isn't a big fan of the seat. On our little walk there, Asher took note of our surroundings and stated "Isn't it just so beautiful, mama? See the mountains over there. We live right by mountains! Isn't that beautiful?". It was a great gathering. The kids discussed the book and one of the moms had planned out a wonderful lesson where they identified Italy on a globe and had print outs of where Mt. Vesuvius and Pompeii were. They played a counting game using Roman Numerals and then they made some volcanoes that "erupted". We have some pumice stone in our backyard and so later that day we talked a little bit more about pumice and did floating tests with it. Asher came up with some questions from the book. One of them was "How did some people survive when the volcano erupted?" and the other was "What happened to the top of the mountain when it blew off?". He always gets really involved in stuff that he can connect to his interests. I love witnessing that. Later in the day, we made brownies to contribute to a dinner for homeless people in the area. Journey helped me out with measuring and stirring and licking the spatula, of course. She also wanted to "make [her] horses magical" by putting star stickers all over their bums. ;) Love this girl.

I never, ever know what is going to come out of Journey's mouth. She is completely uninhibited. She both amazes and astounds me. ;) The other day she came into the room singing a song that she made up. The words that she kept singing over and over and over again were, "Don't be ashamed! Just be yourself!". It was awesome. I never want to forget that moment. I hope she doesn't either.

Today I overheard Asher explaining the cycle of water to his younger cousin. His excitement and enthusiasm over this knowledge always makes me smile. He is such a passionate learner. These children. They take me to my widths and breaths. They teach me more than I could probably ever offer them. I am so honored and humbled by their existence in my life. There are many times where I can let myself get worried about various aspects of education. There are times where I don't feel like enough for my children. During this time of experimenting with what works best for everyone as we sort through emotions and adjustments, it is easy to wonder what messages are coming through. This is a good practice for me in paying attention and in aligning our approach with our values and convictions. I am choosing to take rest in knowing that they are learning exactly what they need. They are learning to trust themselves, to know themselves and to find faith in their beauty.

life.

It just so happened that our computer was struck down with a nasty virus the day after I wrote my last post. So, it was a week of no computer. No e-mails. No facebook. No bloggity blogging. No googling random things that we are curious about. None of it. And it was a FULL week of adventures and planned outing and meet ups and parks and craziness. By the weekend, I was in desperate need of some down time...and a chance to check my e-mail. It was a big realization of how much we use our computer for connecting and communicating and making plans and getting information on what is taking place in the valley for people doing home education. and can we talk about that term? i always struggle with how to label what we do. i like to call it life learning, because right now, my children don't separate learning from life. the earth is our teacher, we teach each other, the community teaches us, people throughout our lives teach us, the world, essentially, is our classroom. we go through periods of staying close to home and we go through periods of venturing out as much as possible. we aren't following a set curriculum at this point and we are exploring how best to approach writing and reading for each individual. but mostly, we explore what we are interested in. we let those topics take us on a ride and we collect information and inspiration along the way. community has become a big thing for me for the past several years on this journey. we have established connections with various groups that practice unschooling, earth schooling, homeschooling, etc. right now, during this time of big transition...i am doing my best to maintain a steady and healthy rhythm with these three in my care. but really, this time is a lot more about survival than anything else. we are all adjusting and learning and then re-adjusting and making space for high emotions and strong love. this past week, i realized how deeply i was trying to keep my older two busy, busy, busy by scheduling way too much for our little family in the midst of still absorbing the dynamics of what it means to be out and about FULLY (because there is no other way for my children) with mama and three littles. my body, in so many different ways, is telling me to slow down...to build rhythm in our home, to pay attention to the important lessons of this experience. right now, the lessons are in sharing our lives with another human being. and discovering the power of being positive. and exploring our big feelings in an effective way. it is life stuff. important stuff. the kind of stuff that reminds me of how much emphasis i think there should be on building the emotional and mental health of our little ones in this society. the kind of stuff that shows me how much can be learned from having FUN and playing and exploring freely. i don't underestimate the value of these lessons we are learning during this time of high transition. i take notice, i honor and appreciate this time and i see the beauty in what we are learning without even knowing it. the rhythms will change, they always do and we will always do our best to follow their lead. Since that last post, we have filled up our days with rock climbing, a library visit, art classes, the first couple of gymnastics classes for Asher, the first dance class for Journey, a day of exploring at the Arboretum, a yummy meet up day at the train park with dear friends, a trip to a local Aquarium with our homeschooling group, Asher's adventure to go see a National Geographic Live show about the Mars' rovers...and the more typical ins and outs of daily livin', growin' and lovin' around here. Not to mention a couple of parties along the way. Life is full. We are always growing.

revived!

i've decided to give new life to this old blog. i have been twirling around the idea of documenting our days through life learning for quite some time now. it is a HUGE part of where my energy lies and i would really love to be able to look back at these years and be able to *see* some of the growth through pictures and words. i am currently a very negligent blogger and so, the very idea of adding another blog to my realm of things to keep track of is somewhat insane. but hey! that is the way we roll. i will be working on reviving this space little by little. ideally, i'd love to bring it up to date by doing one big post about what we have done for the past several months. but, who knows if that will happen. ;) the past year hasn't been one where blogging held great priority. and a LOT has happened within that time. a lot of learning, a lot of growing, a lot of hurt and healing, a lot of work, a lot of love, a lot of change...a move, a baby. a lot of adventure. hopefully, i will be determined enough to post a little something quite regularly. we'll see what comes of it all. right now, the intent is to have a place to record and build up a library of adventuring. my hopes are that it will serve as a place for the kids to practice writing as well. :) at the very least, i'd love to post some images of our adventures and the every day things that take place in our world that help us evolve. the photo above is one of those. it is starting to become a regular scene in this home. in the mornings, as often as possible, we lay out on the floor for a little yoga session. i gave the kids new mats for winter solstice this year. it is something that is proving to be a really wonderful thing in our rhythm, when it happens. although asher will try to convince everyone that he doesn't like yoga...his mama knows better. he will watch from afar, practicing the poses quietly by himself and then, still whining about it, will come participate. by the end of the session, i see him having FUN. or, at the very least, i see that he has reached a place of calm that he doesn't often visit. i sneak peaks at him throughout the session. sometimes i catch him smiling and other times i see him with eyes closed...at rest. this isn't a sight i behold often with him. and so i know, the resistance probably comes from feeling like when he practices yoga, he visits a space within that is kind of different...kind of peaceful...kind of new. i have been hoping to instill within him an understanding that this can be a tool when dealing with the very BIG emotions that he does. it can be something he uses when needing to work through all of that passion coursing through his being. alright, baby is howling. until next time...

open further

please do join me in my new space www.womanwander.com

beginning...again.

{blog friendship box with my desert love addition on the bottom}

I'm not sure what number attempt this is to "get back in the swing" of blogging again. Whatever number...here we go again! It is very apparent to me that writing is a very important outlet in which to better express myself. Sometimes I struggle to let it all out, and in writing it just all comes so easily and fluidly (for the most part). ;) Like I mentioned before (nearly 3 months ago), I have been working on a new space. I haven't really been working. I have a new space, where I have done little work, but have big hopes for. I know it will all come together at exactly the right time. I am just assuming that right now, right here is a good place to be. One thing that I have been meaning to post about for what seems like EONS is the blog friendship box that Boho sent me late last summer. She wrote about it here. The origins and travel diary of the box can be found here. The luscious creator of the box is the beautiful Teeni. I held on to that little box for way longer than I was supposed to. Perhaps it was just what I needed as I journeyed through a tumultuous several months in my life...a little token and reminder of friendship and lovely energy. It sat on my nightstand, reminding me of the journey and the messages it had taken. Every time I glanced at it, I thought of the women whose hands had held it who I will probably never meet but had already crossed energetic paths with. After a long and rocky 6 months, I was finally motivated to send it on it's light and beautiful way. I couldn't think of anyone more strongly to hand it off to than the wonderful Jenica. And so, it has left my home. The treasury and the sense of belonging bestowed on me through it's time in my care will forever be held dear. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of such a rich circle and for understanding my deep, unconscious need to be stingy and untimely in my passing it on.

after The Plunge

I'm sitting with a lot of awareness after going to the Mother's Plunge. I think it is because I practiced paying attention all day long. I came back to my breath, to my life, to the moment and remembered that there is nothing but love there waiting for me. Maezen herself would say that there was nothing she talked about that we each didn't already know. Truth works like that, constant and patient for us to return. I was reminded of the life that is front of me. I was reminded of the work that is mine. I was reminded to sit, to walk, to listen. To be. Part of me is fighting this urge to hold onto every nugget of wisdom she carried with her that day. I want to encourage my mind to remember the details of what she said. I want to write them down so that I can revisit them and remember the way I felt when I heard them. The truth is, they are written down. Not in my mind, but in the center of my universe. They are here, with me, always. I know that what I need from our day together will always be here for me. I know that the faint remembrance of her voice, of her laughter, of her words will filter into my consciousness exactly when they are supposed to. I trust, without knowing how or why, that I gained everything I could possibly have gained just by allowing myself to step into the field beyond right or wrong. I am excited for my practice. For my life. For coming home.

in the raw

I come here with a myriad of thoughts hoping to escape. Each of them tugging at me for attention, hungry for release. My mind is both full and empty. My heart, the same. This is the first time in quite a while where I have answered the call to write. I know little of what to actually create here in this moment, but I am here none the less and believe that in doing so, I am doing something. I had a session yesterday with my life coach in which I was able to spend some time in that gracious space of communing with my higher self...with that inner wise woman and endless source of love. After my session, I was thinking a lot about ways in which I have been denying myself release. Writing...this beautiful medium of expression, has certainly been one of those things. I am not acknowledging this in a hurtful or blaming way. I am gentle with myself in knowing that the past little while in my life has been full of twists and turns and unexpected curves. I have been traveling with heavy hurts and have spent a great majority of my time in survival mode...trying to keep afloat. But I also know that this expression for me...this is something that heals me. It always has. It takes me into deeper processing and also allows me to spend time with my inner space in a way I am not always taking time for. Last year, for the New Year of 2009...instead of making resolutions I chose to hold in my consciousness a single word. One word that would guide my thoughts and actions into the new year and beyond. My word last year was "integrity". It was a year of really stepping into my own power and owning my thoughts and actions to fully represent my life vision. For 2010, my word is "action". One of the key truths that was uncovered in my session yesterday was this: I am the ONLY person responsible for my own happiness. My authentic self is not dependent on my relationships or circumstances. Pretty profound, huh? ;) But really...truly... it actually is when this truth settles into the depth of my being. It is deeply profound. For me, this means that I can always be the person that I want to be. In every moment of the day...if I so choose. I can take action to create my reality into a living representation of my inner truth. I can learn to love myself more deeply...and in doing so, learn to extend myself to my relationships, community and the world in an even more intense and beautiful way. There are so many small actions that come to mind when I think of how I can be deliberate with this truth. And so, I am committing to make this a year of action. I am taking *action* in order to live 100% fully alive and in deep integrity. Really, I have nothing to lose. So, one of my intentions is to start writing again. Writing about this journey. Writing with greater trust and courage. Writing just to write, to take action on what it is I know I am being encouraged to do by that inner wisdom. To share myself in the raw. I have an on-line writing space waiting for me. I envision it to be a place where my heart spills open, freely. I am working on it now...trying to create it in a way that feels inviting and good to my soul. I will be signing off in this space within the month...but until the new one is ready for residency, I'm hoping to occupy this place much more frequently than I have the past several months! I have so many longings that need to be offered a voice. Sometimes I shut them off for fear of just adding to my list of things that I have started and never quite get around to finishing. But I am no longer believing that story I tell about myself. I no longer think that I am not enough or that I fail if something doesn't quite reach some imagined end result of completion. Instead, I believe I am a woman of wander and wonder...making her way through life the best she can and learning to love wholly along the way. Truly and deliberately becoming the change she wishes to see all around her. I wanted to share a couple of links here. These are just a few of the beauties who are currently (and continuously) inspiring and encouraging me on my life path. Dancing Mermie and her creative assignment every day Beautiful Boho and her courage in cleansing Maggie Ann and the courageous way in which she shares her evolution and transition into motherhood...and how deeply she experiences life MB and her utter, absolute magic ~ lasting peace to each of you~

awakening.

It has been a while, yes? I have been rather busy lately. With life. With photo sessions and editing. With kids and homeschooling. I haven't felt very present. It feels much more like I am on a bit of a swift ride, just barely managing to remember all the bits and pieces of what it takes to journey from here to there. I am stopping in these spaces that are full of questions. With photography, it goes something like this. "Is this for real?" "Do you think you are good enough to be getting paid for this, really?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your pictures and sessions?" With my children and homeschooling, it goes something like this. "Are you SURE you are cut out for this?" "Do you really think that you are smart, patient, kind enough to be their mother?" "Shouldn't you know more, do more, BE more when it comes to your children and teaching them?" In life coaching, we call those nagging, negative, self defeating questions, those voices... "the gremlins". These voices don't do much in serving growth. Unless of course you account for the courage and mindful discipline it takes to keep on doing what you believe in even when the gremlins are loud and obnoxious. I think it is just all a part of that endless journey of fully occupying my own. It is all a part of finding, hearing and using my own voice. Trusting, truly trusting that inner guidance and permission to be exactly who I am. Sometimes, that inner knowing might lead us on paths that look a bit different to others. We might not get that external validation that we, as human kind, often seek and yearn for. And better yet, we might never get to THAT place that we have in our minds of where we "ought" to be. For a while now, I feel as if I have been waking up to the realizations that these are untruths. These questions that infer that there is one right way to do things or one perfect example of what to BE. That the end result is perfection and completion. I am beginning to understand deeply about what it means to really JOURNEY through life and to be comfortable with the imperfections...to, in fact, embrace them. The imperfections become less of something to "overcome" and more of something to travel through. They are our teachers on a path of full existence. I guess what I am better understanding is that the gentleness is key. Honoring my inner wisdom is my compass. Taking all the small steps is how I will move. All of it this coming to mind and is compounded when I think of transforming my hair into dreads. I've decided to get them done professionally and my appointment is set! I think I am in preparation mode for the change. It is funny because, like I was telling a dear friend of mine, on one hand this change is so very fun and light. True to myself, I am a girl who loves change. I like to try new things. I am fairly comfortable with being outside the box. I crave experiences that are a bit different than what I am used to. I am drawn to creativity and expression. So, in many ways, this is just another way in which I can explore. I think it is fun and creative. It is something I have never experienced. It is also just one of those "things" that is on my life list. We all want to cross stuff of the life list, right? On the other hand, it is symbolic. I think it is a bit of an expression of a deeper transformation and unleashing, perhaps a small part of a greater journey in unveiling my own voice. Regardless of what hand I look at though, some people in my life do not understand this desire of mine. They might have some difficulty in accepting it. They might judge it, dislike it, even go to the extent of being hurtful about it. And that is ok. It is just hair. It isn't a permanent state of existence. It is an expedition, just like any other adventure. Like any journey, there will most likely be some bumps along the way and, in all honesty, I don't know what to expect! So with this, as with many things in my life lately, I take an attitude of genuine curiosity and say... "we'll just see how it goes!". I did see this collage on a blog several months back and now I can't remember where I got it from. At the time, I saved it to my computer and I have been looking over it the past couple of weeks. I think she gathered different images from the web and put some of her favorites together. I am loving the dreads of the girl with the Nikon in the upper right. Yum! ;)

I also have been reading this small excerpt from a poem featured in a book I am reading. "oh woman remember who you are woman woman it is the whole earth" ~Joy Harjo