milks*

Journey just stopped nursing in February. I never thought that I would wean any of my children...I was much more inclined to let them initiate that departure. Asher weaned himself around 14 months and it was all in his own time. But Journey. She could nurse all day...all night...all the time. She LOVED it. And it was starting to become something that really interfered with sleep, for both of us. Which interfered with the rest of our time together. So... I somewhat encouraged the process along. But, it took a long time and a lot of questioning on my part. All that to say, she still has quite an adoration for my "milks", and likes to touch them as often as she can, without any regard to whether or not we are surrounded by complete strangers. Pulling down my shirt and searching her way through my bra is a comfort she won't deny herself. I love how she is taking her own fond memory of breast feeding and incorporating it into her play. She likes to nurse her babies. And she will ask me to help her put her babies in her "milks". Forget a sling, just use your shirt! It is something so sweet for me to see and it makes my heart happy to know that she remembers this in a delightful way...and that it is something that is very real for her.

And I love this last pictures. The essence of Journey: nursing her babe while being a T-Rex. I really love this girl.

it really is true.

i just got finished watching Across the Universe (again). i like to watch that movie whenever i feel the need for a little nudge into what really matters. and for some creative inspiration. really, just an all around heart tug. plus. jim sturgess? um. ya. pretty much a ginormous crush. honestly, it couldn't be any bigger. i have been feeling pretty quiet today. my dreams are on my mind. my relationships are on my mind. the world at large...is on my mind. i just wanted to share with you this beautiful part of the movie. because, i think we could all use this reminder. i could use it every morning (alongside my cup of jim, er i mean joe) hee hee.

spin it.

i've had this wonderful love for vinyl for quite some time now. i don't even remember when it started. but something about a record. yum. so you can imagine (or at least try) my disappointment when not one, not two BUT THREE of my record players were damaged beyond repair by my very own husband in the length of time i have known him. two were stepped on in college. and the third was broken on the day i received it as a gift. needless to say, i haven't heard the sound of a record in my living space for, well....years. today i decided to put an end to that fatality. and i looked on craigslist for a record player, and i found one that sounded just perfect. which had just been posted yesterday. hello universe! thank you for knowing my need for some vinyl. i made the connection, stopped by the bank for some quick cash, and brought home my gently used record player.

to help instill this love for spinning into my children, i grabbed the winnie the pooh record i have in my collection. they sat. and listened. and really enjoyed it. and i couldn't stop smelling my records. and listening to that delicious crackly sound as they spin around and around. and the sound of bob dylan on vinyl is just ten times more rich. and i am so happy to have a working record player in my home...

so very happy.

reclaiming.

so. i have been really trying to make things happen around here. i have all of these little projects in my mind for our space. a photo placed here. some paint over here. a little decoupage on this. some lights hung over that. except. none of it has seemed to be actually, um, happening. because there are piles. and i really mean PILES of laundry to be done. there are loads of dishes to be washed. there are naked children to dry off from splashing in the kiddy pool outside. there is said pool to be drained. and there is that cat who runs outside when draining that pool...and he makes this mama all nervous when he goes out, because, you know...he might not show up again for three days. he has a short history of doing that, and i don't want to make it a habit. he actually did leave the yard this morning though...and i just had to let the anxiety go. after i did that, whaddya know? he showed up at the back door, choosing the air conditioned sanctuary over the call of his wild. but i didn't really come on here to talk about my cat. i wanted to talk about today. about how i woke up this morning with those same longings of creating something, anything...just getting to a place of feeling like i had made life a little bit more beautiful around here. immediately upon rising, i tripped my way through the mountain of laundry on our bedroom floor (clean laundry that needed to be folded) in order to make it to the kitchen where i was being hungered for by two near STARVING children pleading for some relief in the form of chocolate milk. and i knew my day had begun. and i was swirling around my discontent over my time being everyone elses at the same time i stirred the sugar into my children's breakfast. i then caught that little girl scream from within. and i remembered some tools that i have acquired in listening to her and holding her and helping her needs be met. and i said to myself. this is YOUR life jessamyn. this is YOUR day. how do you want to spend it? and i walked through my day with that in mind. sure, i still had the same responsibilities that i have had. i still knew that there would be many mishaps throughout our day. i was still very certain that i wouldn't get each and every thing on my to do list accomplished. but i recovered my power...and that was all that mattered, really. and the day actually kind of flowed from that point on in a noticeable way. i decided to make myself a playlist on the computer in the bedroom that was keeping all of those clean clothes on the floor that were soon to be dirtied from everyone stepping on them over and over again. and i had so much fun constructing this confetti list of music i love to listen to. and i began my folding. and i didn't get through it until the far end of the day because of how many times i decided to leave it and come back. but the music played all day long. and the children decided to play hide and seek with each other...without ARGUING and without being prompted by me (such a fun stage they are entering with all of that). and journey took this fantastic 2 hour nap. and while she napped, asher wanted to show me all of the "museums" he constructed in his room and listening to him nearly brought me to tears because he is so freaking full of passion, it kills me. and then. then when i told him i needed to get back to nurturing our home, he asked if he could help. and he really wanted to help in a really authentic way. and it was awesome to hear that...i didn't even know where to guide him at first! all that to say. i noticed that once i drew back my power and remembered that this is my one wild and beautiful life...i was opened up to possibility. i put on a comfy hippie dress. i let that dread forming in the back of my hair just stay there. i dyed my duvet cover. i framed some art and photos and hung them. i put up some large colorful vases in my kitchen. i turned up the music and turned on the paper lanterns. i played with my camera and drank a LOT of coffee. i sat with my children as they practiced cutting with scissors, and then we pasted and colored. and we spent time with the bugs outside, and read 1/2 of our library books on sharks. the day had a positive current and i totally chalk it up to that moment of realizing that i can create it in any way that i want...even when there is a lot to do and a mountain of laundry and a couple of beautiful, curious souls wanting everything all at once. oh! and that mountain of laundry got it's bootie whooped.

some really good things.

this motherhood thing. wow. just when i think that things are flowing in a certain direction, i am met with a new stage, new questions, a new course to flow along with. i have been watching my children lately. i have been seeing them grow in some really intense and significant ways. i have seen how journey instigates and challenges and blazes her own trail. i have seen her warrior come out to fight reason in the name of having her own way. i have noticed how confident and certain she is... and how she will maneuver her way through her longings and bump up against frustration over and over and over again. i have seen how she opens her heart wide to soften herself and meet you with a tender kiss and a sigh and a stable look into your eyes. i have seen her need for laughter and crazy fun...and how she wants to know just how far she can go. and asher. i have noticed he is really exploring relationships and the roles that we assign one another in this society. and this mama has had to really trust him with it all. because her world view sometimes clashes with what society seems to speak...and she stumbles a little when her son reminds her of what social creatures we really are...and how he needs to navigate and discover his own understanding of the world in order to find his place there. and sometimes, he might have a different opinion than me...and that is ok. ;) but i see in him the same intensity that i always have. i see in him that same brilliance. the magic of childhood. the struggle that occurs when humanity meets that brilliance in a way that most of us don't experience. he works his way through his questions. sometimes without answers. and longs for connection of a deeply organic form. this is why you will always see him noticing the birds. and spotting any lizard within 25 feet of him. and he can hear sounds that fade into the white noise of my life. and he can create a story from the white walls of our world. and he loves to love things with his entire being. almost becoming it himself. in a way so wildly pure...it cuts me deep all the time. he creates deep friendships with little critters. and cares about mother earth in a very raw way. and once again i am reminded of how we all need each other and how we ALL have something to teach...no matter what restrictions we may put on one another.

finding myself in nature.

it never takes me long to rest in the comfort that being in nature brings to me. for some reason, i am always brought back to myself. to what is important to me. to where i have been letting city pace take charge and navigate my rhythm. when i am with nature, i can remember the calm. i can hear the song. i can smell the scent of simplicity...and i feel so much more certain of the whispers to crawl back to my center. it is like one huge breath... filling me up with life.

there are times when i hit a block in my journey to bring my inner landscape OUT. it usually is subtle and inconspicuous...but each block thwarts me into a drift on walking through each day, not paying attention to my integrity. each action counts in my life. i believe this. and sometimes i just don't pay as much attention to the little tiny actions that make up the energy of my life. my focus shifts and i tend to lose sight of the values and commitments that matter most to me. i don't create because i don't have the time. i don't sit with my children through that one book because there is always later. i don't choose to let go because i am afraid there isn't enough. and so on and so forth.

but nature. she speaks truth. and she reminds me of who i am at my core. she brings me back in alignment with my values and life vision, because, well...she knows. i feel understood here. i feel in tune here. i feel full-fledged freedom. and i am nudged ever so gently into action, because all around me is the beauty of creation.

soaking it up*

what do you think of my shiny new rain boots? i think they are delightful. and it just so happens that we have had a little bout of spring the past several days here in the valley of the SUN. and that has been just as delightful as my shiny new rain boots.

i am off to nurture my love for spring weather with a weekend in the mountains. shiny new rain boots are coming along... as is my adoration of thunder storms. and mud puddles. it should be full of fun! *see you soon*

the long road.

i'm mending the bits of my heart that broke off after having met this little love of a pup, welcomed her into our home with great hope, and then returned her to her rightful family at the end of things.

it all works out as it should, i suppose. she showed up in my life rather giftedly. just wandering about. we met by both of us being in the right place, at the right time. i fell for her immediately. and i named her. *GYPSY* because she was my wandering gypsy girl. and i totally dug her and new she had that soulful vibe. my children fell for her too.

following my integrity. i knew that i had to search the neighborhood in which she was found just to see if someone was looking for her. and, sure enough. OF COURSE someone was looking for this love dog. of course. i cried on my way home to gather her up. my children cried. telling me that she had already come "home" to us. i knew what i had to do, but it wasn't easy. and i remembered the wise words that i heard at one point from my life coach: "it is all ok in the end. if it isn't ok, then it is not the end". and sure enough. when i returned to their home, they were waiting on the porch...so anxious for her arrival. and the cherry on top of it all is that Gypsy's mommy and daddy (the canine kind) live in that same house as well. and when they came out to celebrate her homecoming. great peace settled into my soul. home. wherever she would lay her head, she might call home. but i think she is in the right place on her journey, this is where she wanted to be. and today i have caught myself thinking of her. and i whisper myself a phrase that my loved friend introduced to me though this experience: "o lungo drom" *the long road* and i roll the rrrrrrrr in a gypsy way and i hold the mmmmmmm as if i just ate a scoop of mint chocolate chip icecream. and i sigh. knowing that she is on her way, and is finding comfort where she be.

finding what IS.

i live for those expansive moments. the ones that make you breathe deep and fill your lungs with enough oxygen to last for days. i never know when i might journey into those, but i am always so comforted when i meet myself there. i met one at the beach last week. i saw a quiet opportunity to venture down the shore as my wee ones played with their daddy in the surf.

i began looking around for treasures. small trinkets of truth that tumbling around in wild waves of uncertainty softens edges over time. and there i found myself, just looking down at my feet taking one sand soaked step at a time. i wasn't looking forward, but i was convinced to keep moving. and i thought to myself, "how do i know when to stop?". and i turned that question around in my mind and i realized that it wasn't just about a walk on the beach. it was about my constant urge to move beyond. to go somewhere. to reach some place off in the distance. and even though i focus on the steps... when do i know when to just stop and rest in what IS. it was about that time that i decided to turn back around. to what i know. to what is love. to what exists. to what is. and on my way back "home", i discovered my treasures. some softened sea glass. rocks as smooth as silk. and a little shell that told me a story.

a story of adding what IS to your life in complete embrace, in a way that recreates you as a beautiful new creation. adding layer upon layer of experience... and solidifying that experience into your existence. and it reminded me that sometimes, when you venture back to what IS... you find a whole lot of beautiful along the way.

up and out.

i can't quite figure out exactly what has been keeping me away from this luscious little space. is it because i am dirt tired by the time night falls, and that is really the only time i have to collect enough thoughts to write something? is it because i have been exploring so much of myself that it feels a bit too tender and vulnerable to share any of it here? is it because i am still mid-cocoon and the shifts are all encompassing to a point of leaving little energy for expressing the process? whatever it may be...i think it is changing. i feel a longing to be here. i feel a big desire to be writing. i feel a sense of needing to create it into a practice somehow. i have really been encouraged on this very subject from several different bloggy beauties out there. some of them reminding me that i don't need to have anything brilliant to say in order to share. some of them encouraging me to write with deep integrity and honesty...honoring the hard parts of growth and metamorphosis. some of them inspiring me to share all the different parts of who i am...the silly and the ordinary.

i got on here earlier tonight and typed out something that i have been wanting to share. a story that i have been aching to re-tell. i was floundering a bit, because, well...it has been a while. but i finished it. and i was fairly happy. and then blogger lost it. so i squirmed. and then thought "ah, well...that isn't the way in which it was supposed to be shared". and that is the way i am looking at the past 5 or 6 months of living without much sharing in this space. it just wasn't the way in which my moments needed to be shared. so i am going to just pick up where i left off. bringing to the keyboard the woman that has lived and changed and shed and grown for the past several months with the honesty and integrity that i have gathered around me. i look up. and reach out.