this motherhood thing. wow. just when i think that things are flowing in a certain direction, i am met with a new stage, new questions, a new course to flow along with. i have been watching my children lately. i have been seeing them grow in some really intense and significant ways. i have seen how journey instigates and challenges and blazes her own trail. i have seen her warrior come out to fight reason in the name of having her own way. i have noticed how confident and certain she is... and how she will maneuver her way through her longings and bump up against frustration over and over and over again. i have seen how she opens her heart wide to soften herself and meet you with a tender kiss and a sigh and a stable look into your eyes. i have seen her need for laughter and crazy fun...and how she wants to know just how far she can go. and asher. i have noticed he is really exploring relationships and the roles that we assign one another in this society. and this mama has had to really trust him with it all. because her world view sometimes clashes with what society seems to speak...and she stumbles a little when her son reminds her of what social creatures we really are...and how he needs to navigate and discover his own understanding of the world in order to find his place there. and sometimes, he might have a different opinion than me...and that is ok. ;) but i see in him the same intensity that i always have. i see in him that same brilliance. the magic of childhood. the struggle that occurs when humanity meets that brilliance in a way that most of us don't experience. he works his way through his questions. sometimes without answers. and longs for connection of a deeply organic form. this is why you will always see him noticing the birds. and spotting any lizard within 25 feet of him. and he can hear sounds that fade into the white noise of my life. and he can create a story from the white walls of our world. and he loves to love things with his entire being. almost becoming it himself. in a way so wildly pure...it cuts me deep all the time. he creates deep friendships with little critters. and cares about mother earth in a very raw way. and once again i am reminded of how we all need each other and how we ALL have something to teach...no matter what restrictions we may put on one another.
it never takes me long to rest in the comfort that being in nature brings to me. for some reason, i am always brought back to myself. to what is important to me. to where i have been letting city pace take charge and navigate my rhythm. when i am with nature, i can remember the calm. i can hear the song. i can smell the scent of simplicity...and i feel so much more certain of the whispers to crawl back to my center. it is like one huge breath... filling me up with life.
there are times when i hit a block in my journey to bring my inner landscape OUT. it usually is subtle and inconspicuous...but each block thwarts me into a drift on walking through each day, not paying attention to my integrity. each action counts in my life. i believe this. and sometimes i just don't pay as much attention to the little tiny actions that make up the energy of my life. my focus shifts and i tend to lose sight of the values and commitments that matter most to me. i don't create because i don't have the time. i don't sit with my children through that one book because there is always later. i don't choose to let go because i am afraid there isn't enough. and so on and so forth.
but nature. she speaks truth. and she reminds me of who i am at my core. she brings me back in alignment with my values and life vision, because, well...she knows. i feel understood here. i feel in tune here. i feel full-fledged freedom. and i am nudged ever so gently into action, because all around me is the beauty of creation.
what do you think of my shiny new rain boots? i think they are delightful. and it just so happens that we have had a little bout of spring the past several days here in the valley of the SUN. and that has been just as delightful as my shiny new rain boots.
i'm mending the bits of my heart that broke off after having met this little love of a pup, welcomed her into our home with great hope, and then returned her to her rightful family at the end of things.
it all works out as it should, i suppose. she showed up in my life rather giftedly. just wandering about. we met by both of us being in the right place, at the right time. i fell for her immediately. and i named her. *GYPSY* because she was my wandering gypsy girl. and i totally dug her and new she had that soulful vibe. my children fell for her too.
following my integrity. i knew that i had to search the neighborhood in which she was found just to see if someone was looking for her. and, sure enough. OF COURSE someone was looking for this love dog. of course. i cried on my way home to gather her up. my children cried. telling me that she had already come "home" to us. i knew what i had to do, but it wasn't easy. and i remembered the wise words that i heard at one point from my life coach: "it is all ok in the end. if it isn't ok, then it is not the end". and sure enough. when i returned to their home, they were waiting on the porch...so anxious for her arrival. and the cherry on top of it all is that Gypsy's mommy and daddy (the canine kind) live in that same house as well. and when they came out to celebrate her homecoming. great peace settled into my soul. home. wherever she would lay her head, she might call home. but i think she is in the right place on her journey, this is where she wanted to be. and today i have caught myself thinking of her. and i whisper myself a phrase that my loved friend introduced to me though this experience: "o lungo drom" *the long road* and i roll the rrrrrrrr in a gypsy way and i hold the mmmmmmm as if i just ate a scoop of mint chocolate chip icecream. and i sigh. knowing that she is on her way, and is finding comfort where she be.
i live for those expansive moments. the ones that make you breathe deep and fill your lungs with enough oxygen to last for days. i never know when i might journey into those, but i am always so comforted when i meet myself there. i met one at the beach last week. i saw a quiet opportunity to venture down the shore as my wee ones played with their daddy in the surf.
i began looking around for treasures. small trinkets of truth that tumbling around in wild waves of uncertainty softens edges over time. and there i found myself, just looking down at my feet taking one sand soaked step at a time. i wasn't looking forward, but i was convinced to keep moving. and i thought to myself, "how do i know when to stop?". and i turned that question around in my mind and i realized that it wasn't just about a walk on the beach. it was about my constant urge to move beyond. to go somewhere. to reach some place off in the distance. and even though i focus on the steps... when do i know when to just stop and rest in what IS. it was about that time that i decided to turn back around. to what i know. to what is love. to what exists. to what is. and on my way back "home", i discovered my treasures. some softened sea glass. rocks as smooth as silk. and a little shell that told me a story.
a story of adding what IS to your life in complete embrace, in a way that recreates you as a beautiful new creation. adding layer upon layer of experience... and solidifying that experience into your existence. and it reminded me that sometimes, when you venture back to what IS... you find a whole lot of beautiful along the way.
i can't quite figure out exactly what has been keeping me away from this luscious little space. is it because i am dirt tired by the time night falls, and that is really the only time i have to collect enough thoughts to write something? is it because i have been exploring so much of myself that it feels a bit too tender and vulnerable to share any of it here? is it because i am still mid-cocoon and the shifts are all encompassing to a point of leaving little energy for expressing the process? whatever it may be...i think it is changing. i feel a longing to be here. i feel a big desire to be writing. i feel a sense of needing to create it into a practice somehow. i have really been encouraged on this very subject from several different bloggy beauties out there. some of them reminding me that i don't need to have anything brilliant to say in order to share. some of them encouraging me to write with deep integrity and honesty...honoring the hard parts of growth and metamorphosis. some of them inspiring me to share all the different parts of who i am...the silly and the ordinary.
i got on here earlier tonight and typed out something that i have been wanting to share. a story that i have been aching to re-tell. i was floundering a bit, because, well...it has been a while. but i finished it. and i was fairly happy. and then blogger lost it. so i squirmed. and then thought "ah, well...that isn't the way in which it was supposed to be shared". and that is the way i am looking at the past 5 or 6 months of living without much sharing in this space. it just wasn't the way in which my moments needed to be shared. so i am going to just pick up where i left off. bringing to the keyboard the woman that has lived and changed and shed and grown for the past several months with the honesty and integrity that i have gathered around me. i look up. and reach out.