"Everything is GROWING mama...see everything is growing?".
"Why is everything growing?".
Just as I, my junebug has been taking note of all the life around us. Greens and browns and bright blossoms of promise appearing on the sturdy branches of anchored life. It really is a change to witness all around...the earth transforming into spring. It is really warm here. Really, very warm. My children are stripping down to their bare nakedness each day in attempt to capture some relief (and the freedom feels just as nice I suppose)! They are naked jaybirds this time of year. Oh how lovely. Spring.
Great change is on the horizon in my life...I squint at it daily and hear gentle nudges of motivation to get things in order, to prepare.
Change is taking place deep inside my core...from the inside out. Which reaps epic proportions compared to the wasted energy of trying to reverse that motion. Perspective shifts and a whole new world is awake to the opened eye.
I am deep in practice of seeking truth.
Everything about it is lovely.
Even the hard stuff.
Because, when I press my heart to answer what I know of life...what else is there to do? I seek and I am beginning to understand gentleness in a completely intimate way.
Which echoes love and warmth and all things tender.
So, at first with all this change stirring about...I thought it was ideal timing for a new blog. Things are shifting...my focus is changing on what I write about...my life is cocooning and opening and drifting through that cycle so consistently.
But a new blog doesn't feel right anymore.
It is easy for me to move forward and move on and move.
It is a bit more difficult for me to stay put and re-create with what I already have.
This feels like the bravest thing I could do...stay put, make things new here, design life right where it is.
"Dogen, a great Zen master, said, "If you walk in the mist, you get wet." So just listen, read and write. Little by little, you will come closer to what you need to say and express it through your voice.
Be patient and don't worry about it. Just sing and write in tune."
~ an excerpt from Writing Down the BonesbyNatalie Goldberg
I read these words several weeks ago, and they have stayed in my mind ever since, initiating a relationship between my life and the picture they paint. It went beyond inspiration for my writing practice and soaked it's mystery into my own interpretation of what it means to get intimate with my own life...to walk in the mist and get wet from being there with my entire self.
I've gone forward through the past month really listening and practicing and writing out words. I have cut myself off from certain connections and I have been drawn closer to others. I have been observing and living...and trying so very honestly to find truth. I am meeting inspiration along the way, I am finding the depth of my courage each time I choose to accept a new challenge and I am doing my best to live out a practice of kindness, of thoughtfulness of consciousness and love.
I slip and stumble, I move forward and drift back...I dance in sideways motion and sometimes I even think that I fly. I begin to feel so comfortable in my skin, my surrounding, my situations, my life and there are faint tinges of the sadness and uncertainty that may always exist in my soul...but that keep me real and soft...wanting and curious...exploratory and open. I treasure those parts of my self. The ones that ache and show me truth. The ones that keep life a question with no real answers. The ones that guide me further down this road of doing the best with what I have and being gentle with all the rest.
I've caught flying thoughts escaping from my mind when meeting inspiration among my days. Thoughts that take note and try and record the moments through words to be later scribbled across journal pages or typed into a blog post.
But they have carried on further to the inscriptions set apart from any record of existence...deep into the heart of my being and away from any attachment of having to "know" what they were all about.
It all adds up to knowing that I am everything I am and everything I am not...and that the joy is in the discovery of what that all means for me.
I feel very comfortable...
And that is a really beautiful place for me to be.
i feel as though i am crawling into a slumbering room that hasn't held me in years. it is quiet and thoughtful and there is wide open air all around me. i don't have much to say. but then again, yes...yes i am sure i do.
i miss writing here. very much. i know that it is time to hop into that practice again after a nice steady break of letting it go...but to start after all this time has passed, well, it is a little intimidating.
so, i begin with not much more to say than this:
it feels good to be here again!
in warmth and gratitude, i open up this routine in my life without obligation or doubt but with a great amount of hope, realization and re-newed energy for writing out the stories. i've been honoring a new blog with intention but nothing has come out for me there just yet. perhaps it isn't time. i am navigating my way through the newness of it and it doesn't feel quite right yet to not be HERE.
i'll rest on some words and in the spirit of sharing, i'll visit here again tomorrow with a starting point.
or, i may just take it all one word at a time and see where i go.
thanks for checking in and holding on!