We made this fort yesterday...mostly because asher loves to hide. I have been wanting to set up some kind of permanent "safe spot" for him in our home, and haven't discovered the just-right spot yet...and so...I thought a temporary one outside would do for the time being. We also made it because the mama of the house was feeling a bit sad...and there is nothing like a fort to help you feel safe and cozy. I have been processing a movie that I saw recently. One that touched me in a way I was unprepared for. One that left me searching through thoughts about life and death...and the "mistakes" we make...and whether or not there really ARE such things as mistakes at all...and my feelings on family and what it means to have a true love...and sadness and loneliness. I was sent into my own fears of having regrets and into facing regrets I do already have, and I was reminded of how much I want to be bold in this lifetime...to have confidence in myself and my decisions. My mind would settle in on the people that I know...and even those I haven't yet met...who are enduring different struggles in their lives. And so...it seemed like a fort would be a nice place to sit with all of that...and forget about some of it and just trust the process of life with my two babes...who so instinctively do that in their own lives.
And it looks like we will be spending a lot more time in this fort in the next few weeks...trying to keep Asher still and "hiding" from the constant desire to run and jump and play hard. Asher sliced his knee last night after falling down directly onto a metal brace that was connecting a pole to the concrete of the patio. It was a really deep cut...and after looking at it...I immediately knew that we would be making a trip to Urgent Care. It was a horrific experience for me...and for Asher. And I won't go into great detail, except to say that I was denied my request to have Asher sit with me through the ordeal. Instead, I had to endure a clinging, crying child being pried from my arms by forceful, though well-intentioned hands...and had to watch as he was velcroed into a tight cocoon with his arms pinned to his side...screaming and pleading for them to let him out. The experience in it's entirety was so traumatic...and I did not enjoy being robbed of my choices...I can't imagine what Asher was feeling through it all. It was the hardest thing I have had to watch in terms of one of my children going through pain and fear and heartache. I always wish that in those scary times where it is really hard for a child to understand and trust what is going on...that they would be met with a staff of people who understand their sensitivity and perspective. And maybe...it just doesn't happen that way for efficiency sake or whatever...it just feels invasive and aggressive...and I wasn't even the one going through the ordeal! But, despite my discontent with our experience there...two hours, six stitches and a knee brace later...we were walking out the door (some of us)...and on our way to get some yummy ice cream.
So now today we are visiting our pediatrician to get a tetanus shot...something I am not looking forward to for several reasons...and I don't know exactly how to go about preparing Asher for the experience.
I just want to get it over with...and come home and crawl into our fort together.
First things first, as soon as one exits the car and gets a good sniff of that beautiful pine air...a few things might take place. For Journey, it seemed that it sent an irresistible urge through her to go gather as much dirt as she could with both hands and devour it without a trace....well...maybe she left a little trace. Her face looked like this the ENTIRE time we were up there...no kidding. For Asher...the air seemed to do something a bit different...but in terms of discovery...they were both just trying to feed the same hunger. Asher started to climb hills...and trees...and find sticks...and throw rocks...and search for ants...and slide down dirt "slides"...and dream out loud about animals and dinosaurs and other little bits of this boy's heaven. As for me...I just did my best to soak it all up. Above is my view from the hammock that awaits the arrival of tired bodies in the front "yard" of the cabin. When I think about these little road trips...I always picture rest and respite...but the truth of the matter is...with small children around, there is always a reason to be alert...and sometimes the best you can get is just to sit still and look up...if only for a few seconds. Trees of green, clouds of white, skies of blue. It IS a wonderful world. Especially when someone like this is waiting for you as you shift your focus back down to ground level...where there is MUCH going on and great big adventures awaiting your presence.
But, I don't live in this town anymore...I have fallen away from that ease and comfort...and being conscientious about my lifestyle choices here is always contraindicated by the pull of "convenience". It takes more active seeking and researching and all too often, I fall short of following my intuition on what I "should" be doing. It is easy to turn a blind eye to what is going on globally when you live in a fast city...where the disconnect is great...where everything looks the same...where corporate domination stares you in the face...and every time you leave your home, you are prodded to buy this and own that. It is harder for me to find my voice.